Won't stand for a broken family

[Timetotry]

Hey, I just posted a great turning point text conversation that I hope doesn't get missed above the one I just sent to respond to 25's points.

I hope whoever reads my sitch sees the one sent above the last.

I may be turning the corner! Maybe there is hope to save my M!

[Timetotry]

Journaling:

Felt like I had a pretty busy week, GAL'ing and yet saw H quite a bit. Lots of contact; all good.

Tuesday he invited me along for dinner when it was his turn to take the kids out for a bit. We had a nice family dinner. D1 said he was watching me the whole time and took interest in everything I said. Gave me some complements, I returned some. Most important to note was when he replied "Thanks Dear, means alot to me". Felt great!

Wednesday D1 was with MIL and MIL told her that H has expressed interest in coming back. She said that he is thinking on selling the puppy he just bought since D3 seems to be allergic to her and knows if he comes back its an issue. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! MIL may have undermined H's plan on working his way back in.

IC appt Wednesday had C saying that I am now steering the ship since I set a time boundary on Sunday. She said his inital defense when up on Sunday and that was why he first said he still wanted a divorce. Then, as he thought about it later in the day he changed his stance. She said he will now start to come around. I dunno, I want to believe that but I am remaining patient.

Constant texting all nite and day and it seems as if he wants to come out to say he made a mistake but hasn't. One text said: Ever just want to curl up and cry, guess I am tired or just having a bad day". I said "What happenend?". He replied " I don't know, just how I feel I guess". I tried to make him laugh and he thanked me.

He invited me to meet him for a drink or two last night. I made sure we took separate cars so that if something goes wrong, I am in control of my own actions. Conversation went well, no negativity and even some laughs. H walked me to my car and reached in saying thanks for meeting him and gave me a kiss. That was very strange to me...but I'll take it! H text me ten minutes later thanking me again and enjoyed spending time with me. Of course then it led to flirting texts but I tried to divert and eventually he said goodnite.

Today we exchanged even more contact and he expressed interest in coming over after an after work happy hour. A friend of mine came over and she brought the movie Fireproof over for me and her to watch. Her boyfriend had a copy and she heard how good it was too, since she was divorced a year or so ago. Very inspiring!! H called around 8:30 and said maybe in an hour or two, if "I wanted", he can come over, just to call. I text an hour later but his SB called him to meet up for a drink so he apologized and I said it was ok. So that means no more contact for tonight. It's ok though, will see him tomorrow at D3's game and he wants to open the pool Sunday.

Wonder how the weekend will pan out...

[~¤DG¤~]

Wow...these are very, very positive steps in the right direction!

I am very happy for you!

I am sure you know this, but tread carefully, you don't want to jump into anything too fast.

[Timetotry]

Thanks DG!

I completely agree, I keep catching myself in thinking we will reconcile and he will come back soon. I don't want to rush and I want to make sure changes stick and we don't end up in this mess again.

I am actually questioning now what has he done to change or improve? I hope that he catches up because I don't want this to be all one-sided.

I am sure I will have a few steps back anyday now.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks DG!

I completely agree, I keep catching myself in thinking we will reconcile and he will come back soon. I don't want to rush and I want to make sure changes stick and we don't end up in this mess again.

I am actually questioning now what has he done to change or improve? I hope that he catches up because I don't want this to be all one-sided.

If your changes are real, then the R has to change b/c it has 2 people in it. One person reacts differently, then eventually the other one does too. Your fears that it'll happen again, are understandable. But the BIG LESSON here is that we only control ourselves. IF he makes it clear he wants back in (as opposed to using his mother to tell you, or other probing methods)...

You need him to be needs to be very clear about what his reasons for returning are, and what steps you can both take to keep the "new & improved" m going safe and strong. NO blaming, no anger and no waiting for the grand apology. He does not have to see the marital history the same way you do. What matters is "today, from this day forward"...

Don't let your fears control you, and remember that You're stronger than you knew.

I am sure I will have a few steps back anyday now.

[Timetotry]

Thanks 25.
I will definitely take that advice, IF he decides to say he wants to return.

[Timetotry]

So many ups and downs yet again but I am getting a bit more prepared for them (although they still are depressing).

Didn't like his one comment when he called me Sat morning by saying "Women are just drawn to puppies, he had 3 women at his cart just now. When we, I mean if we, ever get divorced, you can just borrow the dog if you want." MADE ME SICK! I didn't say anything and quickly changed the subject. Not sure if he was trying to throw me off or if he was serious. He remained upbeat (as I tried to remain too) and ascted as if it was nothing special to say. Met him at D3's game, nice as can be, carried everything for me, talked as if we were still married and all (neighbor thought the same way too). We came back, I had to goto a family party and he complemented me on what I was wearing and started flirting, etc. Said he will be waiting for me to come home, etc. Texted me, even called me several times while I was out which eventually I stopped answering, I WAS OUT GAL'ing! Came home and he stayed around for a few extra hours to make sure we had ML of which even after he wanted to kiss me and be around me. Made me think he was having a change of heart/mind.

Sunday he came over early morning, wanting to have breakfast with all of us and worked on the pool. He slipped in a 'babe' once, (amazing how I pick that up now when it was such a common word before). We just hung out as a family and he even met a new neighbor with me and talked to her about "WE" "Our" kids, house, etc. Seemed again as if he was moving ahead. Left later and was texting more. At one point he said how he misses the couch. I said "Why, you hate this couch?" He responded" Yes I did, I like it now". Still not missing "me" yet but I do know I'll be the last one!

Later on that night I asked D1 if he has written anything on his wall lately (VERY dumb move). He made a weird post at 11am Sat morning AFTER the dog phone call: “Just one day, just one I want no drama, no worries, no sorrys, just laughs and smiles…is this too much to ask for?” I was like OMG, who is creating the drama here. I never even lashed out or commented at all when he made that stinkin comment but I also thought it could be work since he has alot of pressure/drama there too. Its as if he creates this whole other world or he is trying to so that people give him sympathy I guess.

Found out Monday from H's StepMom that his half brother who he met up with late Friday nite thinks he is going thru a MLC too. He just got a degree in Human behavior and said even from what he has studied and from talking to him, he signs. Duh. He said that it seems as if he regrets leaving but doesn't know how to come back. Wish I would just hear this from H so we can start "From this day forward".

More communication on Monday and some Tuesday. Met him at D3 game last night, nothing special but we talked some. He came back to the house and worked on the pool and I just tried to stay inside. I finally came out and he asked me if I said something to my neighbor. He said that the neighbor's H asked if H was getting rid of the dog and H said he wasn't. I said "I didn't say anything, didn't think he was getting rid of the dog but we were concerned about D3's new allergies." No response and I quickly changed the subject. Not that he seemed mad but didn't seem to be in a good spot. Didn't hear from him again for the rest of the night. Ugh. Feel as if that was a step back but it was out of my control! I can't change what H processes in his mind; I can only focus on myself and let things play out.

Today he emailed asking where does D2 want to go out to eat tonight for her birthday; we are meeting him for dinner. I know this will be ok time together, just gotta try to be very upbeat even though I am very tired today.

I wonder if he is using me or really is trying; I know that is against DB'ing and detaching..can't worry about what he thinks. Its just so hard; everytime I think its going in the right direction, something brings it back down it seems.

[25yearsmlc]

sorry but I don't understand the significance of the puppy comments. That sounds like a clear attempt at a joke to me. Why the big reaction from you? What am I missing? (or what are you creating?)

[Timetotry]

25, not sure which puppy comment so I'll comment on both.

He wasn't joking when he was saying on the phone on Saturday that women go right to the puppy and its an easy way to pick up and he used the "D" word. I didn't respond with any reaction so that one he couldn't hold against me.

As for the neightbor saying about having to get rid of the dog, its just a manner of him not controlling a decision I think and the fact that I spoke to someone about what is going on with 'us'. In the end, it hasn't been brought up again so I guess its ok.

Journaling:

Yesterday we all went out to dinner as a family and had a good time. Came back and he stayed around for an hour or so before leaving.

Today and even yesterday his communications seem to be a bit distant again, but not confrontational. Its just only about him though, no asking how I am, kids. etc. I dunno if its from my IC and two daughters now heightened awareness or me just realizing that its his new personality. D1 last nite, who was always the closest to him was furious with him. She says he is now selfish and even went as far to say she doesn't know why I would have married someone like him cause now she sees him for what he is presently, an alien. I tried to defend him but there was only so much I could do.

IC today says I have to stop carrying his burden and just live for me and the kids. He has to figure out his own issues. While he is at the house Sat and Sun, I will goto the shore and stay at my sister's. I will do my best to stay dark because I know he will text and call the whole time. I hope I hold to my word on this. I want him to see what its like at the house, with kids and maybe realize he does miss me, not just everything else.

I really didn't like how my D1 was feeling, it breaks my heart. I really thought there was progress, now I am thinking no progress, being used in a sense and not knowing it. Used to fill time void or something. Not a good feeling at all tonight.

[25yearsmlc]

the first puppy comment was obviously a joke. Tactful? Guess not but I would not put energy into that.

More later