my h and son gave me necklace

[rysmom]

Yesterday i had a lot of work for my business and i was in a rush to get to psy. appt. i was speeding and the cops had a speed trap set up and stopped me. I gave him my PBA card, ins. and registration but i couldnt find my license. He kept the pba card but let me go with a warning. I text h and asked if he could get me another PBA card and he said sure and ill get you the velcro for your ez pass too. i told him i got stopped and he was very supportive of me. I miss his support so much.

[MrBond]

rysmom,

You didn't address the question of what did the psychologist talk about concerning YOU? Not your marriage. Have you told him how you feel?

Your comment about the cops pulling you over and how much you miss your husband...are you reading your own posts? On the one hand you tell him he's wasteful and a sinner, then you say how supportive he is.

Get help!

[25yearsmlc]

I don't know what else I can say. I don't think you read these, or if you do, you have a very selective response. Many of us are trying hard to reach you and get you to awaken, but you seem to want to be stuck in this dark place.

I have taken ADs and I know they can help. So can a good T or psych. Please get help so you can change your life.

Not sure if anything said here will reach you, so all I can do is pray you will get help, and that your son will be fine. I really hope he will be, so God bless

[verycrazy]

You know, rysmom, I have been reading all our posts, and one thing I have realized: You remind me of a somewhat long ago poster, contyankee. He seemed to be "stuck" in his situation, and no matter how much advice and tough love he got, he never got near a resolution. He seemed to want to remain stuck. Many tried with him to no avail, including myself and 25yearsmlc. Please listen to those who are giving you great advice here, obviously it's better than the counselor you had. We know you love and miss your H. We know how you feel about ow. We know you hate all the sinful things your H has been doing. But what can you do about any of it?
If you want something from the Bible to read, then read Philippians 4:8. It helps to think on those things, rather than the things you hate, that keep the instability and resentment seething inside of you.
Put that child of yours first. He needs you now more than ever, as he becomes a young adult. I will say that from my own experience, that putting my son ahead of everything, concentrating on his needs, made me come out of my depression, and made me able to look at the world around me, and see the things that were still good. Someone needed me, and that was so important, as your son needs you. No more discussing the sitch with him; he is a smart 17 yr old, and knows all about it. I think if I had dwelled on it with my son and kept him from moving forward to forgive his F, then maybe this year at his HS graduation, he would not be graduating with honors, because I could have held back HIS progress in his life.
And my H, who unlike yours luckily for me, never left home, would never have stuck around a depressed negative lady who constantly ripped him a new one for all his sins, like my H's "secret" stash of porn downstairs. I know it's there, and one day when we are very old, and if he dies first, then I will burn it all, but until then, or until he gets saved, he can keep his sin down there where I don't have to see it.
If you want to have any chance at all of getting him back, you have got to change yourself from the inside out. I know what he is doing is wrong, everyone does, especially him,but the constant recriminations aren't helping any more now than when you first posted. Please help yourself, go find another counselor. You could talk to a priest, but maybe they sometimes keep you stuck in the whole "sinful husband" zone.
Be pleasant to your H always, no more negativity, you can't do a darn thing about who he is with, and you will alienate your S, by making it so difficult between them.
Sorry, if I rambled on so long, and don't take what I say wrong; I do it out of love for a fellow poster who is suffering the way I was.
I am still not 100% sure of my M, and my H, but I am pretty close to it at this moment, and being a more positive person really helps more than you know.
vc

PS did you get that little book I told you about that you can carry around with you, and peek at the advice in it whenever you need it? It is small enough to put in your pocket or handbag, and it helped me so much. My preacher's wife suggested it to me. I still have it and I will keep it, and I scribbled in the blank spaces advice I got from other places. vc

(((Hugs to you rysmom)))

[rysmom]

i really appreciate everyones post. If you could continue to be there for me i really want to do things different.

Today i had a good day. I tried not to think about situation. i went to work part time, and then i went clothes shopping, which i don't do very often. then i went to the monastery, and read my bible. My friend called and asked if i wanted to go to the movies tonight it was a comedy so we did that. I am very grateful i have this new friend i have not bad a good friend in 25 yrs since i met my h, but now i do so this is progress.
Tomorrow im playing tennis with a male friend so im looking forward to that. My son went out with h today, i did not question him about what they did
which is really good for me and good for son too.

[rysmom]

I am going to order that little book and the book that 25 recommended too. Thanks for suggestion.

[rysmom]

Counselor said to focus on my life, and get stronger and happier with myself. Even if h ever comes back i still need to do this. I know this but have to take the action, and have the courage to do it. He suggested that i write a letter to h about my feelings, but not send it but bring it next time i go there. To get more in touch with my feelings about situation.

[rysmom]

He is sinning but he has many good qualities too.

[verycrazy]

Then stop focusing on the sin.

[25yearsmlc]

what she ^^^ said.

You have enough to work on in yourself to stay busy. Stop spending nearly all your mental energy on HIM. Do you still not have 180s? When did you first read the DB books?

My biggest regret in looking back, is doing what you are doing, which is Spending energy on HIM, asking 'why??' all the time, staring at HIS flaws & the injustice of it all.

INSTEAD, I could have started the inner work I needed to do to work on MY OWN LIFE, & MY FUTURE and our CHILREN's lives, if I had not been so preoccupied with my "martyrdom and suffering".

[b] I could have moved on sooner and been happier faster (and ironically, probably gotten him back home faster too)...If I had let go earlier.


What do you think your son's memories of his high school years will be like? Be honest. And do NOT blame your h for how you react or behave with your son. That's solely YOUR responsibility. Think about this before blurting out a non-responsive answer. What are you showing your son, about dealing with a heartbreak? 4 years...HIS High School years!!

Will his recall be of You being stuck in the anger and depression, cycling through it over and over, as if you have no control, for years.

There's no "secret" to this. I got sick & tired of feeling like crap. I was tired of being stuck.

But It seems as if Your capacity for misery knows no bounds and that, my friend, in on you, NOT your h.

Find a therapist/psych or whatever, who helps you to be UNstuck and move forward. And get a L for legal matters. It's not going to hurt to find out whether you'll be financially secure. It'll HELP you to know your rights. You don't have to tell h, or file anything. Just get the darn information to protect yourself and your son. I KNOW your h is being reasonable at this point but that can change fast. Very fast. He'd probably respect you more anyhow.
The "do nothing" approach has not worked well.

I could say more but so far, nothing I have said here has made a difference to you. That gets frustrating. I guess you'll move forward either never, or whenever something in you says "enough".
Good luck