Thanks for stopping by....and you didn't hyjek. Yes, create a thread we can go to and check in etc.
It's not so much not knowing the exact date that sticks in my craw. It's the "I can't remember" stuff that feels so conniving and deceptive. It's that feeling of continuing to do smoke and mirrors to protect me (?) hope I drop it (?) keep me in the dark (?) that doesn't feel fully transparent. Know what I mean? It's getting less important as time goes by.
A year ago today I pulled my first 180. I think the details are in MLC section and the thread's name is Piecing via Shoots & Ladders. FYI....if interested.
May 20, 2010 I just had this awful feeling. 1st feelings of panic and uncertainty. H had confessed about an EA with OW and vowed to end it. I was beginning to wonder if H was having a PA and was he really where he said he was. I made the decision to act. Went to find him and he was where he said he was. I met him in a parking lot and he could tell I was really upset. I told him I didn't feel right and that I was scared. I had never really showed him my emotional worry about OW (DBing) and was ccc up to that day. However, on this date I just broke down and sobbed like a child, hyperventilating and the whole show. I was really worried he'd be mad that I came to find him and do this. It's only then that I discovered this was the 180 I needed to do. He was so happy I came for him and as he held me me said, "Oh my God, you do really love me and care. You actually came for me."
An e-mail the next day (I later discovered in June) would indicate that at work on 5/21/10 she broke down crying and left the office. Maybe she sensed something, that we were reconnecting. He then went to her house and picked her up to take a drive and "talk" about their R. The e-mail would indicate that confessions of undying love were exchanged. "I can't stop being your friend and I can't stop being your lover," he wrote. H tells me now that this was when he knew he really wanted to end it. Said he wanted out as early as 2/10, but didn't know how to get out, didn't want to hurt her, the 2 of them working together everyday etc. Things got really messy for a few weeks. It was an intensely painful time.
BUT, here we are 1 year later and she is gone, moved way far away. My freakin PTSD still has me hypervigilant and wondering if they still talk long distance. I just have to keep telling myself that if he is, "Shame on him" and ya know.....I really don't want to be with him if that should be the case and perhaps I'll find out....? I don't think they are. At least he keeps telling me it is done done done. What messes with me is that I'm very intuitive and I'm usually right....What to do with that?!
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
