I am not sure about this, but I think the being so angry and hateful is that they feel guilt about what they are doing. But they also feel compulsion, and the conflict between what they think they want and need, and how they are feeling about what they are doing makes them lash out at others.
It is classic stuff. The person you wrong is the one you lash out at. The wronged person can forgive, but forgiving yourself for being horrible is a tough one. Weird, but true. So he is nasty.
He doesn't hate you and it isn't personal though it feels that way. They don't just wake up one morning and decide to be horrible people. The pressures have been building for a long long time. From what you have said your xh has an alcohol problem? A sure indication that all is not well, and hasn't been for a while. People drink heavily usually to block their inner pain.
