Detach Dog

[lovehurts2]

* to my

[ninelives]

Another day, she texted me once about getting some clothes back from my best friend that the kids left there last trip. Nothing other than that. NC from her and thats just fine with me.

I have been chatting with a girl on a date site and I know this is going nowhere because she is 5 hours away, but i have a date with her on Sunday. I will visit my parents Fri, Sat and most of Sunday , then I will go on this date. She is beautiful and very funny. Just a little ego boast that a girl this pretty is interested in me. I guess I need a little shot.

I wont tell my boys as I will have them stay with my brother. Maybe a mistake but it has taken my mind off my wife. I talked on the phone with her for 1.5 hours and it went really well. I think I am willing to go on this date because of the likelyhood of this working out is slim to none.

I am still in a place of peace with my ex at the moment. The OM creeps into my head from time to time but I seem to be of the mindset that if she wants to step down and be with him, then it will seriously be her loss down the road.

I did talk to my oldest today about his schooling and why he is so down. He opended up a little, Its not just because OUR family is broken up, but the entire extended family is not close anymore as we used to share all the holidays together and were around each other alot. He said he misses that and that only one person can fix this. (his mother)

I didnt say anthing to that. Just told him I understood how he felt. Things will get better I told him. Just concentrate on your school work.

WE have to leave from here right after school so i have to pack everything and finish laundry.

Things I used to take for granted to be sure. Not that hard really, just different.

9

[ninelives]

BTW, my boys love staying at my brothers cause they get to see their cousins. My brother and I often dissappear to his restaurant during that time so my absence will not be out of the norm. LIke I said, just want to have a drink with a pretty girl and nothing more. I am not coming back that way for another month or so. I know many will disagree but I think this distraction is harmless.

9

[~ kd ~]

Nope... Don't disagree at all. Have fun, 9!

[25yearsmlc]

Don't sweat the small stuff 9,

OM is small stuff. I swear it's ironic you get so bugged about him when that LONG post I sent you (I SO hope you'll read it again) discusses the fact that he's a symptom, not a cause. You know this, but it's simpler to blame him I think.

ANYHOW, let me remind you that it is NOT preferable for the OM to be a "winner" -some tall, dark and uber handsome SMART guy with 2 PhDs, earning big bucks and stock options, and showering her with bling and vacations and cars, and giving your kids cool toys and trips and offering to pay for their college and sniffing that "you can help if you want..."

and he's also a published famous author, and athlete, a celebrity!! And He LOVES HER SO MUCH he treats her like a queen...everyone loves HIM and understands her choice...so obvious, they are soul mates...

9, would you really prefer that scenario?

I suspect your thoughts are more like "geez, if a loser like HIM is appealing to her, wth is wrong with ME??" But that's about your ego, some, and HER ego a lot, b/c she wants to have the emotional upper hand in the R. So she dates "down". Make sense?

ALSO, your w has a crazy (as in mentally ill and dysfunctional) family and emotional problems galore -which your son is forgetting as he idealizes the "Walton Family Times" he misses...Maybe get him around YOUR side of the family, so he learns what normal people do with conflicts and DROPPING matters after numerous discussions...or do they re-hash things too?

A whole bunch of what you spend your energy on, keeps your boys focus on that too. That's too bad. Your w needs help and I hope she gets it. But you simply must take things less personally and just be the best man you can be, and leave the results up to HIM...and let your boys know that you are doing that. I pray they won't keep having thoughts of you in their heads when they are trying to have fun at a concert...that's sad. Try to reassure them you don't need their pity b/c you are SO GAL and moving forward and figuring out all the positives in your life, okay? I mean, that breaks my heart.

I am not judging your choice to "date" or whatever. But it does seem needy. Then again, Your timeline is confusing to me b/c your reply was confusing when I asked you when everything started and why DBing seemed "new" to you. You kind of jumped around with dates and your signature block has different ones and all that.

Regardless- you have to be honest with other people (OWs) or you're just using them and that's not cool. But if the OW knows the deal, and IF YOU can handle things not working out...or working out, for that matter, then what's the harm?

Be careful with her heart, and yours...and your boys'-NO introductions please. They'll reel from a new woman in your life...

[ninelives]

As always great advice. The OM? Yes it is MY ego for sure. Something Im working on with varied success. I have made some babysteps in that dept and i will get over that eventually.

YOur advice doesnt fall on deaf ears even if that is the perception by you. I read EVERYTHING you post and try and apply it. I WILL get there thanks to you in large part.

I DIDNT want my boys to feel guilty at the concert. They cant help how they feel. I think its normal for them to want US to experience things like that together especially since this is only their second concert and the first one was last Augest where we went as a family.

They are seeing a new dad that is not down in the dumps anymore, that time is over. I still get down but not infront of them.

Id say that things are ok right now, even found myself singing to myself while getting my banking done yesterday and still strangely have more money at the end of the month than I did when we were together with her income.

The girl loves to spend.

Looking forward to taking new car on long drive and seeing my parents. Dont know how many visits I have left with them. My father depresses me though. Love him , and I have forgiven him, but he did RUIN my mother's life with his constant cheating and pissed away all family money on his bimbos over the years. Parents are basically on Welfare and live paycheck to paycheck with no savings. They had money. Its a long story.

All my dad doesn now is lament over his choices in life and has MS really bad. Is bedridden and a shadow of the man he was.

But I only see them a few times a year so I try and make the best of it with them. Wife hated the visits and even stopped coming down near the end.

9

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I am not judging your choice to "date" or whatever. But it does seem needy. Then again, Your timeline is confusing to me b/c your reply was confusing when I asked you when everything started and why DBing seemed "new" to you. You kind of jumped around with dates and your signature block has different ones and all that.

Regardless- you have to be honest with other people (OWs) or you're just using them and that's not cool. But if the OW knows the deal, and IF YOU can handle things not working out...or working out, for that matter, then what's the harm?

Be careful with her heart, and yours...and your boys'-NO introductions please. They'll reel from a new woman in your life...

Nine,
I agree with 25,
If your not completely ready to move on without your W then dating should be off limits.

I will tell you though, once I started to date OW, my W did realize I was moving on without her. I truely was too.
It did make her reevulate her decision to D.

Humans crave what they cant have. They also hold value to things and people when other people give them value.

Becareful with other peoples heart. Be honest and up front.
We know the pain of being dumped, don't go into a R if your intentions are just to have a good time ~ sex.

[ninelives]

Thanks for the Input Gr8.. I do try and follow 25's advice best I can. Had some backslides but she has helped so much as have all people on this board.

I would not play with somebody's heart. We have talked about keeping this light and one night stands are not in my vocabulary.

I did have a brief fling recently and it was a disaster, especially after the sex. This girl was local but this date is with a girl 5 hours away. Im pretty sure nothing will come of it , I have been very open with everything and I will continue to do so. I was actually shocked she gave me her phone number to tell you the truth.

I dont even want my wife to know about this really. Its not a ploy to get her back. I told her about the one girl I dated back in last May, but I didnt tell her who the girl was although she wanted to know.

Actually, it seems that my wife has moved on with her life and is heavily into a relationship now. I wouldnt even call it an affair or the OM. She doesnt appear to be too interested in what I am doing anymore so I think she is trying to live her life in the next chapter. This makes it a little easier for me to GAL.

Still have some bad days over it but hopefully the vallies will be further apart as we go down the road. Im just looking forward to being on the road, getting off the "rock" as we call it and yes, meeting a pretty girl.

There will be no sex, and if there is , it would be the best 20 seconds of her life, ( its been awhile) Just kidding.

9

[islander]

9,
Our sitchs continue to follow one another.

However, there is nobody in the pic for me right now, but I am open to it.

It sounds like you have, just be very honest with whoever you are with. Don't get caught up in the moment and say something you don't mean.

My W appears to have moved on, and inorder for me to really GAL, I need to do the same. This is for me, and I thi k that is why you are doing what you are doing.

I was thinking about it today. I thi k I have causes myself more pain lately by trying to hang on to something I don't, and my never have again.

Remeber what you have learned, how you have grown, and don't change for
somebody else.

If your W sees you moving on, maybe she will have a change of heart, maybe she won't. At this point, I wouldn't be doing things to get a reaction out of her. Do things for you. This is your time.

And tbh, even though I feel that I am finally moving on, if my W came back and started to make changes for us, I think I would have to give it a go. BUT, I realize the more time that passes, the less likely that is to happen or I am likely to want my W back in my life.

The farther down that road we go, the less likely I think we are to want our W.

But we have to go down that road.

A couple months from now if my W wants to R, I could see that happening. A year from now...if I was in a new R, I would not want to hurt somebody the way I was hurt.

Go slow, be honest, and have a good time, for the right reasons. And I will share a quote with you that applies to all of us:

"Failures do what is tension relieving, while winners do what is goal achieving." 

[jbnati]

At first glance, this sounds pretty dangerous. On the other hand, it's hard to blame you. You can really crave the female companionship if nothing else if it's been a long time.