Cant sleep, so I am journaling my thoughts and current revelations:
I have been reading Codependent no more and it has taught me that I have definitely stuffed my feelings down far too long while H was here & drunk. I lost myself... I need to find the old me back.
It suggests to feel your feelings and then to think about what you can do about them. Then Act on them or not: -I feel fear of a D, so I need to start preparing myself for it. -I feel lonely, so I need to fill my life up even more than I have with GAL and finding a new career (must focus on career)!! -I feel rejected, so I need to remind myself that H is a raving alcoholic that cant think straight (& never let him back if he is not sober to aviod the cycle he keeps spinning). -I feel sad, so I need to count my blessings everyday. -I feel angry, so I need to release that in private and learn how to control it by using "I statements" calmly and by reading as much as I can about alcoholism to gain compassion for H. -I feel ignorant to reality, so I need to open up my eyes to his abusive ways, his anger, his lies, his unfaithfullness, his lack of commitment, his manipulation, his controlling, his lack of support, his egotism, his irresponsibility, his unhonorableness, his selfishness, his pervertedness(porn-addiction), and his demeaning ways towards our family & friends. (I need to face these facts cuz they are true - I am not trying to put him down). -I feel confused, so I need to let go and let God...Trust that God will bring me happiness in my future endevors no matter how I respond to my H and no matter what H has to say to me. -I feel guilty for enabling H, so I need to stay sober and let him fall on his own while I get healthy and go to alanon. -I feel unlovable, so I need to find the old tipper back again (full of happiness, peppy, confident & strong). -I feel craziness, so I need to look for the reality in every situation more clearly and keep the focus on me - not him. -I feel heart-broken, I dont know how to change that (not sure if that is possible) but I think time will tell and help.
Not so sure I am much up for DBing any longer. I feel I have often misinterpereted the advice,and have tried everything, only to find myself going through it again and agian. After my H and I have our little Rel. talk, I think I am just going to go black.I'm not one to give up but I cant take it anymore. I am starting to feel like I would be better off without H. TIPPER
