I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[Daybreak]

No, you didn't want the divorce but you do want this done so that you can get on with your life and your healing. It's not a matter of she wins and you lose, it's a matter of getting done what needs to be done. You don't have to like it but if it has to be done then do it and get it over with. Btw, you have no idea what she is going through just because she doesn't share it or show it to you. As you said on my thread, you never know what's going on in another persons head. Don't presume that you do. Her pain is her pain and yours is yours. If she can't or won't go to court then you go and get 'er done.

Amen...

[mishka422]

I'll second that Amen!

[awest1217]

CTH, I know in my case, if there is a hearing both parties have to be there, and it is all up to the judge if we have to have one or not. We had a waiver of hearing that we both signed that if the judge agrees that is what will keep us from it.

I know all states are different, but you both may end up having to be there, which is horrible. I don't want to do it either, but if it has to happen, I know that I was there when it all started and so was he...we will both have to be there when it ends to say we both agree to the end.

It is all finality. You want to persue church_31, but it can't happen until the D is final so why not get the D final so you can move on even if it means you have to be at the hearing just to say you agree.

[ClingingToHope]

Great time at church group last night -- and church_31 was not there -- instead it was just five regulars, none of the new people so everyone was willing to share.

A guy in the group is divorced and getting remarried to another lady in the group. I've become really good friends with both.

He was married years ago and was largely absent from his daughter's life. She graduated high school last week and is going to Iowa.

The graduation and the fact he's getting remarried really shook him up. He's dealing with anger and depression issues that he's buried for years.

He said he envied me because I spend so much time with my girls. He missed that and he apologized to her for being angry during so much of her childhood.

I mostly talked about the up-and-down week I've had and how I just want to keep things simple, live unafraid and without anger.

When it was over I felt much better. Interestingly, the group questions centered around trying to change by yourself versus trying to change with help.

Trying to change myself didn't work for me. I tried to save the M by myself. I never reached out.

Having these people on Thursday, the divorce classes on Tuesday and even this site have really helped.

BTW, one of the people in the group does family law and explained to me why someone has to be at the "Prove-Up." Someone needs to be there to say, yes, I am a party in this action and yes, we have agreed and yes, we want a divorce."

The person in the group said really it's in STBXW's best interest to be there since she doesn't have counsel.

I hope she goes. If not, I will because I need this to be over.

[ClingingToHope]

A new anniversary date. The "prove-up" date is June 10 at 1:30 p.m.

That's an interesting day. It's the last day of school. I may be out of town working that day and not able to go anyway. That's a convenient excuse.

We'll see how it plays out.

I have reads lots of different stories here. What was the "final" day like for you?

[desert_rat]

Went to the courthouse. Answered a few yes or no type questions, the most significant being was the marriage "irretrievably broken" or some such. Signed a few bits, picked up a pile of paper. Took a copy to XW, then went a watched Harry Potter 6 at the cheap theater. For me, it was only as "bad" as I chose to allow it to be.

[ClingingToHope]

Another up and down weekend.

Because of special events at church, I was there a little bit Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

I get so caught up in the message and in growing and improving and then ... the fact that I'm feeling this way after the M is over brings me back down.

Out Friday for a couple of hours and then Saturday I was having a good time until one of the guys asked me what I'd do differently. He's 28, married about 10 months and has a wife at home pregnant.

It was a good discussion for a while, but I was getting agitated and then all of four of us were arguing points and I ended up just leaving.

I felt bad about it in the morning. I really am tired of talking about this stuff though. I just want to let it be.

Sunday -- I had tickets to both of D12's plays today. Since STBXW is a volunteer D8 ended up spending most of the day with me.

It was good.

Down moment though. The tornado siren went off midway through the first act and everyone had to go to the basement. I ended up spending about 30 minutes near STBXW.

It's just so awkward. I was thinking all through the play of the freedom I'd feel to just let it go. But today I couldn't.

[ClingingToHope]

I can see why ex-husbands get distant from their kids. If you are the LBS, it's so hard at times to have to spend so much time around the WAS.

I had to sit with STBXW last night at D12's school performance. Today, there's a 1 p.m. meeting about D8 for next school year. And Thursday is D12's sixth grade graduation.

That and I had to shell out $313 for two new tires, which bites into the summer budget a bit.

Yesterday, I tried to focus on a conversation back in February 2009 when STBXW was trying to convince me I needed to move out. She wanted to see if it was me that was making her unhappy even though something "inside" of her was telling her she was "making the biggest mistake" of her life.

She did make the biggest mistake of her life. My life marches on.

[ClingingToHope]

IEP meeting went fine. There was one interesting point. The school psychologist did profiles of D8, STBXW and myself. She said D8 "does not want you two to divorce."

I didn't look at STBXW. She didn't flinch though in my periferal vision. We soldiered on.

D8 has more than ADHD issues. She also is suffering from anxiety and depression.

Lord, she's going to need all the help she can get and ... it's going to affect D12.

Since her parents aren't together, they are always together. Neither one gets the individual attention they need and deserve.

But STBXW is determined to go down this path.

Thursday is D12's graduation ceremony. Oh joy.

[awest1217]

I know being around STBXW is hard, but it is important for the girls that you make it as pleasant as possible because that will help with some of their issues. If you can at least be cordial like you are to an aquaintance at work you don't particularly like, then it will help the girls.

As they get older, there are going to be more and more ceremonies or events where both of you will be at so it is important that you can at least be pleasant.

I know you have come a long way, which is awesome and hopefully once everything is final that will help even more.