Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

I think there are a lot of things going in your favor, most of all the fact that your H is consciously wanting to improve the sitch and also knows that he loves you!

Thanks for stopping by Angel. But I think a big part of H's problem is that he DOESN'T know if he loves me. He's flat out said it. *I* think he is mistaking the "infatuation" love that we feel in a new situation with real mature love. I know that in some way, perhaps not romatically, he DOES love me. I can see it in his actions. I saw it in his actions even when he was with x-OW. He's stated that D was his tether to not leaving altogether. But he texted me and IM'd me a hell of a lot more than he did D. But he is so caught up in confusion and despair that I don't think he has room to feel romantic love for me right now (and at least recognize it as such).

The moving in situation has not gone well. He's had anxiety attacks nearly every night. He's initiated sex several times and just as it was about to get good, he said he felt weird and just wanted to snuggle instead. Fortunately I don't take it personally. But I feel bad that he's still struggling so much. Yesterday was his birthday. We kept it low key since he seemed to not want to make a big deal. But at the end of the night it was clear he was majorly anxious. I said goodnight at about 11 and he said he'd be in shortly. I awoke to an empty bed. When I got up, I realized he wasn't home. So I assume he went to a hotel overnight. It's something we've discussed as an alternative, so I wasn't mad or anything, it's just worthy of note.

He came back home in the afternoon and apologized that he was so crazy. He's rethinking his decision to move back yet again. Currently, our house is jam packed full of his furniture. I haven't yet found a space for all of it yet. So this evening, I asked him if I should try to find a space or whether he plans to just find his own place. He had an immediate anxiety attack. I didn't mean to be confrontational, but the house is approaching looking like a hoarder house right now and the stuff needs to get either put away or taken away. He knows this. He asked if we could talk about it this evening after D went to bed.

So that's where we're at. Certainly not the dream homecoming I imagined a year ago. One day at a time.