I keep wondering exactly why I still hang out on the DB boards, when I am actively seeking a divorce. I really do want out of my marriage, but I just don’t know of any other support groups that aren’t all caught up in being angry and toxic. There may well be some other group that is really into some strange idea of healing through divorce, but that just doesn’t make sense to me. My heart goes out to everyone who has been LB, because I’ve been there. It was horrible to be left and there is no amount of compassion or love that my husband could have expressed that would have made it better. I also reached the point during my H’s attempt at divorce, where I was detached and could love him in spite of what he was doing and it was a growth experience for me. If you can’t save your M, then at least I know that DBing can give the LB some peace of mind.
So I’m here for three reasons. First is the fact that I know DBing works and I share the opinions of so many people here who think marriage is something worth fighting for. I fought for a very long time. Second, I know DBing can give the LB spouse some peace of mind and I believe that there’s something for WASs to learn here too. Finally, when I was the LB spouse one of the keys to obtaining peace of mind was understanding in some small way the pain that my WAH was feeling. Now that I’m the WAS, I have an even clearer idea of how hard it was for my husband to leave me all those years ago; and maybe even how hard it was for him to go back to me. I hope that people who read my rantings and angst can glean that leaving someone is really very difficult and painful. IMO the confusing things that WASs do and say, the anger, the indecision, the vilification, the sentimentality and all the other stuff that doesn’t seem to make sense come from living in a special kind of self-imposed hell.
I can’t maintain that I’ve got the inside track on what all WASs are thinking. I’m sure there are lots of reasons I’ve not thought of – justified and unjustified – for why people give up on their marriages. I can only say why I’ve chosen to leave, and why I feel that there aren’t any other options, and why it totally makes sense to me that some WASs run hot and cold, while others are all cold all of the time.
So, I’m here for now to vent and reminisce and explain and commiserate, because we all know divorce bites.
