Did not think it would go that way. Therapist told me what I had already known , things I learnt from DB. H was impressed as he never read a book before.
But therapist gave us advice to NOT be together. She figured that since H is adamant to not make things work,that I should let go. That I deserved to be loved back. I was gobsmacked but what she said made sense. H agreed and was happy that therapist agreed to what he was thinking. It broke my heart because reading DB and DR give you the sense that if you GAL/180 things might turn around and a WAS may come back? But this lady was telling us that since we have broke up many times before, that this needs to be it. And for us to tell our friends that if we get back together to stop us.
She described the break ups in our relationship like a dogs tails, in reference to dogs who get their tails snipped off. There are dogs who get snipped off at the base, it's painful but it's a clean cut. And there are dogs who get their tail snipped off bit by bit. You hurt, you heal, you hurt, you heal. She said we are at that last stump and if we snip that off, there is no more.
She said in her own words that if we got back together " it'll be a sh*t fight up hill" and you might just roll back down. She didn't even explain why we keep fighting the same issues or explained our behaviours in why it went sour.
I am disappointed that C did not go the way I hoped it to go, if anything it pushed H further away.
H isn't even wearing the ring no more. He mentioned at C that even when we got M it didn't feel right and we were separated he was do happy . My heart is broken in a million pieces. It's over and I feel like a fool cause i was holding onto hope.
I've given up. It hurts so bad.
Me: 28 H:30 M:19/03/09 Renewed vows in home country: 19/03/10 Together: 7 1/2 years Married : 2yr 3 months S:26/06/10 reconciliation started: 1/10/10 Separation 2: 4/5/2011
LH, I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. Frankly, I'm shocked that your C said the things she said! If it were me, there's no way I'd ever go back to that C.
One thing to keep in mind is that it isn't over until you say it's over. Yes, DB does give you the sense that you can turn things around in your R, but the underlying point is that this is a side effect of the real purpose, to make a better YOU, one that only a fool would leave (credit to 25 (I think) for coming up with that phrase).
It sounds like you've been doing the 180/GAL but reverted to previous ways. I think the only way these techniques work is if they become ingrained in us so that they become second nature. You 2.0 so to speak. Again, they're for your benefit with the side effect of possibly reigniting a new R.
Yes, feel your sorrow and pain, but then get back up and put them aside, a minute, 5 minutes, an hour, a day. Hang in there!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
"For the last 8 years with every argument, i was always the one fighting for this relationship, having to explain why it was worth being together and it saddens me as i as myself..
Isn't my love worthy to be fought for?
______"
Yes, it is. My H could have written that because that is what would happen in our M. For me, I was in such a fog of self destruction and denial it seems I couldn't focus on anything but myself. If your H isn't willing to acknowledge his role in all of this and deal with some of the things that he has going on, I don't know what the future will hold.
Right now he is trying to push you away so he is saying hurtful things to get you to leave. Who knows, maybe he wants to be able to cry and say you left him? Make himself out to be the victim?
I still say go to counseling regardless.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
I wish I would have found your sitch sooner I am 27 myself so understand some of what you feel. Here are some thoughts.
Ok so I bet that most of your friends and relatives and even your mc (shame on her!) are telling you that you are young and that you have your whole life ahead of you and blah blah blah. I hear this all the time too, and I think it's sad. Its indicative of society's willingness to throw things away when they get too hard, and our inability to find happiness and fix what we do have.
Only you can decide if your M is worth fighting for. I had to make this decision for myself despite all the people that think I'm young enough to find someone better. This notion that only older marriages are worth saving is illogical since surviving a young marriage is necessary to have an older marriage. Does that make sense? Additionally I also believe that our generation is poorly equipped to handle the rigors of marriage. In an age of disposable cOnsumer goods it is no surprise many young people treat their relationships as disposable. Kudos to you for rising above that.
Now all that being said you have your work cut out for you. As you have mentioned you have a lot of bad traits to work on. I suggest you seriously put a lot of effort into these traits, because no matter what the traits you have now you WILL carry them over into your next relationship. Whether that R is with your H or someone else. That means that you might as well fix them now, or risk messing up your next R. I'm sure you don't want that.
That's why the key to DB is self improvement above all else. If he decides not to reap the benefits someone else will. If you don't fix yourself you'll just hurt your chances in your next R.
Now about that counselor, she saw some pretty stubborn traits in both of you and rather than help you both become better people she said it would be better to just end it. How ridiculous! Would you trust a watch repairman if you took a family heirloom watch, and he said you'd be better of just tossing it and buying a digital watch? You went in for her to facilitate the healing process not to speed up a D. You can destroy your M for free.....
Keep doing your 180's not for him but for you. You deserve to have a stress free relationship, if you don't get over these hang ups you will just make yourself miserable.
Let me tell you from a guys perspective if you don't fix the nagging and jealousy, you will scare away the next guy. No guy likes it when his girl takes out the anger she has for her ex on him. It's just not fair.
That being said if you will put all that effort in fixing yourself might as well fix your marriage too. See the logic?
1. Fix yourself 2. Fix the marriage 3. If the M does not get fixed, fix yourself to ensure you don't ruin the next R before it even starts.
Right now he is trying to push you away so he is saying hurtful things to get you to leave. Who knows, maybe he wants to be able to cry and say you left him? Make himself out to be the victim?
I still say go to counseling regardless.
My W admitted she was trying to get me to leave her at one point for just this reason. Thankfully, that phase didn't last too long for us (not that limbo is all that much better). Maybe it won't for you either. Time will tell.
I agree, still go to C, alone if you have to, but you might want to think about a different C, one that's more pro-marriage.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
My second IC said to move on and don't look back, my H wasn't worth it. The last few sessions she believes there is some hope and I see changes more and more everyday.
Its still an opinion that they give, I sometimes think its a test to see just how much we want to try to make it work!
Its going to be more than a battle, more like war, are you up for the challenge alone?
H:41 W:44 D1:19 D2:17 S:13 D3:7 T:20 M:18 Bomb:1/5/11 Sep:2/18/11 No D filed yet; just threats
I am shocked by what your C said and I don't think I would go back to her either.
Your M is worth saving, but it has to be both of you. You can't carry all of it on your shoulders. Continue to DB for YOU.
"1. Fix yourself 2. Fix the marriage 3. If the M does not get fixed, fix yourself to ensure you don't ruin the next R before it even starts."
I couldn't agree more with this statement. A lot of times people leave one R and jump into another one thinking that all the previous problems/insecurities/issues will disappear along with the relationship. I have learned first hand that nothing could be further from the truth.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
DG, i will plan to still go but by myself and definitely with another C. I've been hurt for all these years i need some insight on why i have put myself in this sitution.
Originally Posted By: greenblue90
Lovehurts2
Ok so I bet that most of your friends and relatives and even your mc (shame on her!) are telling you that you are young and that you have your whole life ahead of you and blah blah blah. I hear this all the time too, and I think it's sad. Its indicative of society's willingness to throw things away when they get too hard, and our inability to find happiness and fix what we do have.
Your right there, they all believe that i since i still have my whole life ahead of me that its ok to cut my losses now. And that "young marriages" are not as worthy as fighting for "older marriages" Even the MC said that to me. Your right, her way of counseling was probably not the best option for us. Yes what she said was somewhat true, but she didnt touch base on how we could of resolved things. I didnt need to pay good $ to make someone tell me its over.
LG,
yes i think i will need to find someone who is more pro marriage. But what is the point if its over? Should i be going to a MC even though we are broken up and he doesnt want anything to do with me? Wouldnt a Pro marriage C give me some kind of hope when there might not be?
Originally Posted By: Timetotry
LH,
Its still an opinion that they give, I sometimes think its a test to see just how much we want to try to make it work!
Its going to be more than a battle, more like war, are you up for the challenge alone?
Yes it was an opinion she gave, and when she did give i couldnt stop crying. She obviously knew i wanted to make it work, and countless times H would say its over, i dont want it to work.
I can go C on my own and a small part of me does not want to give up but when the time comes and H has OW, then i will be devastated.
Everyone is absolutely right, to GAL and fix my own issues as i never want to carry it around like baggage. No one is going to find a nagging jealous girl attractive.
Yes ill concentrate on fixing myself but i know it wont fix the marriage because even if i do get my crap sorted H has his own demons and insecurities that he will never tell anyone let alone a C. ( He even said to me before C "you better not say anything about my insecurities or im walking out on the session" He is definitely having a MLC, as he is now talking more care of himself.
I also, made the big decision to move out this weekend. This mean we will be 2 hours apart in different cities.
Me: 28 H:30 M:19/03/09 Renewed vows in home country: 19/03/10 Together: 7 1/2 years Married : 2yr 3 months S:26/06/10 reconciliation started: 1/10/10 Separation 2: 4/5/2011
As many have said it's not over until you say it is.
Contrary to popular opinion, divorce is mutual. Both parties have to give up in order for the resolution to be complete. Now were not saying to get obsessive and stalkerish, but you'd be surprised how many marriages have been saved from the brink. After reading my sitch I'm sure you have seen how close I have been to the brink. Just keep plugging along and make yourself better. Close the door lock it if you must, but leave a key hidden in a spot you know he can find it.
