The big punch

[alamo76]

When I re-read '5 Love Languages' I realized that BOTH my wife and I had not been appreciating/respecting/stoking each others' Love Language. Glad you finally got the book, Karma. As you read it, stop thinking about what could've been, and instead what can be.

[2stepboogie]

MK;

Sounds like you are still gauging her a little and I would suggest you stop. Your contact with W is pretty limited, when you do have contact make it light and short, if you do this I think it will built into more contact. Either way you will never be rid of each other, you have a child together.

I know keeping these convo's light is hard to do but it is necessary.

5LL is an AWESOME book. I suggest you read chapter 12 several times. Once you read it you will understand why it is the book I suggested my XW read. She intends to.

What Alamo said is absolutely true, you BOTH stopped speaking each others love language, when we first start out we like to blame ourselves for everything but in reality both parties have contributed to the demise.

You will learn your lessons, let her learn hers.

This will come with time but as 25 has said let life teach her lessons don't do it for her.

It is funnny how how much in control they seem to be in, in some cases this could very well be the case in most, it is NOT. They project the image they want you to see and since you are weak and devasted you eat up every word, facial expression, gesture and obsess about it for days or weeks.

After awhile you really become tired of doing this and little by little you stop.

You will continue to stand for this thing whether you are M or not until YOU no longer want to. For the mean time just keep learning and practicing.

Small goals and baby steps.

[spellfire]

5LL is good. Just be aware that trying to do it at the stage you are at will come across as pressure, unless you can find a sly way to sneak it in. Some LL are more blatant than others (gifts vs words for example).

[Redo]

Thanks Alamo, 2Step , SF. Yup, i am finding myself being affected by her words and actions. I am getting better at decoupling myself, but need to do more. I guess there are good days and bad days for me still..

Right now i have no intention of telling or suggesting my wife to read anything. She will just say 'no'. As 2Step and 25 said it, i'll just have to let time and life take its course. All i have to do is cultivate patience right now.

[25yearsmlc]

myk,

agree with you about NOT telling her to read a dang thing. Why would she? You are not in a position to tell her to read anything, certainly in her eyes.
It's a form of pursuit anyhow.

Your focus (as far as SHE is concerned) is your daughter. As far as you are concerned, your focus in your daughter and your 180s and GAL...kEep that in mind and for this visit, make it all about re-connecting with your d. Remember, no woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of her child with the child's father. Don't take things your d does that are b/c she isn't used to you, personally. It looks weak and it's silly anyhow, she's a little girl. Give her TIME and she'll come around.

[Redo]

Thanks 25. Oh definitely i dont take anything my 3 year old does seriously. I know that she has no idea what she is doing. .


Journaling....

Yesterday was good, talking to daughter. I told her that i was coming to see her soon. Wife and i also talked about what candies i should try bringing daughter. It was pleasant.

This morning i saw a missed call from wife @4:30am. Called up ASAP to see if it was an emergency. Wife tells me that daughter woke up crying for me. my cell phone was on vibrate so i did not hear the call. Wife suggested that next time i tell daughter the day before i come over. Not sure how thats gonna help, but i said i'd comply. Then we talked for about 5 mins, almost at the edges of the R talk. Wife told me all her plans for daughter when she grows up. How she wanted to make sure that daughter would grow up stable and that is why she wanted sole custody. The last part of the justification sounded lame. I said that i too wanted the same, except that i wanted us to share equal custody. Then wife went to saying how she was not trying to alienate daughter from me. I dunno, but this time the convo did not feel as overbearing. Might be time is slowly working its magic. Wife also went on to tell me how no one in her family is allowed to talk to her about the marriage (because they all oppose the D). She said that she was trying to protect me from her family, saying that she told them that she did not want to talk bad about me. The last part sounded very manipulative. Because if she did tell the truth out to them about why she is ditching the marriage (my depression), they are gonna flip out that she has gone crazy. In indian community, usually no one leaves a marriage for these reasons. So when she said this, i told her that i think she should tell her family her reasons. Not that she would listen.

It was mixed feeling after that convo. After her crazy rant a week back, this was good.

[Redo]

Journaling....

lots of things happened yesterday. I'll be splitting it up across multiple posts to cover all my thoughts.

First off my lawyer called and talked to me about the decree she was reviewing. In a nutshell, she had lot of concerns on the custody. She felt wife was trying to isolate out daughter. Apparently wife was so scared that i'd take daughter and run away to india that she refuses to let daughter travel with me to india. I guess what bothers me more is that wife thinks of me this way. If she knew me, she knows that i am more interested in daughter growing up amongst us. Anyway, the conversation was good. Got good feedback. Lawyer said she will prepare a letter for wife's lawyer. I told her that i too will try to talk to wufe about some of this sole custody issue that she is so intent on hanging on to.

Later i called up my usual time to talk to daughter. Since it falls during my work time, i clear up my schedule for that 1 hour so that no meetings fall during that hour. But as it seems to be happening nowadays, again wife could not be reached. I wait and call in 1/2hr. Then wife picks up. I tell her that if 4-5pm was not good, then to suggest a different time. She tells me that they were running an errand. I said i was willing to work with her on this, but if could let me know by sms about the schedule change. There was no apology, but instead an 'ugh...ok'
I let it go. No pint hanging on these things anymore. But yes, i did let her know that i do make time in my work schedule for the talk. It was her suggestion that i call between 4-5pm anyway. Now she cannot keep up that time.

Then i talk to daughter for a while. Before hanging up, i ask for wife. Then i tell wife that i'd like to talk to her face to face on saturday about some stuff which came out of the convo i had with my lawyer.

W : " What do you want to talk about? Look, i don't want to go jail because i'll hurt you if i get angry(i know she was joking here)"

M : "I dont want to talk them now. Can we talk for about 5 mins on saturday when i see you?"

W : "Can you send me the topics via email so i am prepared for them?"

M : "Sure, thats fair enough"

W : "What did lawyer and you talk about?"

M : "Usual lawyer stuff. I guess one thing she said was that you were scared that i'd take daughter and run away...wife if you know me you know honor and my word is important to me. You know i dont do stuff like that??"

W : "What do you mean honor?. If you cared for honor and your word, you would not go back on your word that you'll work on the marriage"

M : "You are not making any sense here. Thats okay, let it go. we can talk about it later"

W : "You know that i am not trying to restrict you from having a relationship with daughter. I even told my family to not confront you. I am trying to protect you. I told them that i will not talk anything bad about you to them because you are daughter's father"

M : "You keep saying that you will not tell anything bad about me to your family. I think you should go ahead and tell them what is in your mind. (i know that if she does say the reasons for her divorce, her family will not agree with her reasons. She knows that too)

W : "Look, i just want to do whatever to make sure that daughter has a good future. I stay up night thinking what her future will be like"

M : "Thats the same thing that keeps me up at night. But i'd like to work with you so daughter's life is not affected. "

W : "You know i take her to lowes to do those projects. It should have been you. This is not how i thought things end up"

M : "You know when you tell me that you took her to lowes, i felt so heavy in my heart. I wanted to do so many things with her. I wanted to provide her all the best i had to offer as a dad"

wife then starts crying, saying she felt that our families cheated us. That we were not meant for each other. Just then i guess daughter came to my wife.

M : "Dont cry in front of daughter. Take care for now"

[Redo]

When i was driving back home, i call her up to make sure she was okay.

M : "Hey are you okay? Look i did not want us to get on that path of convo to stir you up emotionally"

W : "You know sometimes i look for answers as to why this happened. Sometimes i think of calling you up for answers. But i know that if you knew the answer, we not be here in the first place"

M : "Look the only answer i can give you here was that i was totally immature when we got married you. I had no clue the amount of effort it would take to run a family and be a husband. If you knew then what i know now, i would have done things differently."

W : "You have known me a while. Do you think i am un-reasonable. I did try to get you to work it out with your family. But you chose to remain miserable"

M : "Look, you were not un-reasonable. I am owning up to my mistakes i did for our relationship failure. I did not act like man. Never made you feel secure and safe. Now i know what it takes to be a man and keep a marriage. It is just that i had to go through this mess to realize all this. Sad part is that it would not have worked out in any other way"

wife was quiet.

M : "Take it easy. We'll try to make it work so that our daughter will grow up okay. That is all i want. I'll talk to you later"

I dunno. After this convo, it felt good and bad. Good, because i am again mind reading and think that she is thinking....
Bad because she has formed all this crazy wrong ideas in her head about me. But it seems like a classic waw symptom. She has to justify to herself as why she is leaving this marriage. So she has begun to lie to herself. It is a worrisome development. I guess there might be external influences too. my SIL is one of them. Her new found friends might be others. Again, i just have to cultivate patience. Thats the only gift i can give to myself right now.

[Redo]

So i send her an email with rough topics i wanted to talk with her. No details in the email.

Just got back an email from her saying that she wanted to keep this visit about daughter and did not want any of these topics to affect that visit. She said we could talk about these next week.

I guess thats fair enough.

yesterday i did tell her in the convo that i felt that if a husband and wife just care about each other and in sync with each other, the marriage will survive, she said "Thats is what i kept telling you but you did not listen".

Yup, i did let my feelings that my daughter is away from my parents drive me to be depressed. But at the same time, wife never put her family outside of our pciture. Her entire family was always a part of our marriage. Anytime i said i wanted to spend quiet time with wife and daughter rather than visiting her family, she would get so upset. So i am not sure how she thinks that she was being good in that regard. What i did fail was to set good boundaries. I let cross them and violate them and i let these drive me miserable. Now i know...

[spellfire]

You have come far.

This dialog shows her your new inner strength. Keep letting it shine through.

It is good to keep reminding her that this process has helped you grow and become the man you did not know how to be in the past.

Do not show any cracks in your resolve. Do not have any moments of weakness in front of her. Show her you are emotionally strong and secure enough to carry yourself and your child, and have extra left over to prop her up if she needs it.

Lift weights, or do sets of push ups and lunges. Get a pull up bar and put it in your doorway. Build up your shoulders.

When she sees you, you will radiate a strength she has never seen before, both on the inside and the outside.

Can you take yourself to the next level?