My "being" has always been about balance. Equilibrium. Fairness. Justness.
That statement itself is very telling on how / who "I am".
I come here and I talk about my frustrations. I vent. But mostly, I am here to learn about me. How I can be a better person. What I can do better. If how I am being is better or worse.
I have no doubt that whatever conversation I had with D13, that is what she took away from it. I am appalled that it would have come out that way, as I would not have the conscious intention to do so. Consciously, quite the opposite in fact would my intentions have been. I am not ALL good and I have negative behaviours that over my life, I will fix.
Still... on the other side of that sword, I have been mostly careful about posting negative things about my W. She is a good person and while I know she needs to work through whatever she needs to and live her life as she sees fit, to the best of her ability... she IS controlling and manipulative with EVERYONE in her surroundings. Like she never stopped being that 13 year old. At least on the inside. Like she's stuck... Looking for the do-over... that will never come...
My anger? My anger is from frustration. My frustrations is from fear and concern. I am VERY worried about the environment my kids are currently in. Very worried, indeed.
What I have provided for the kids is time to be with me. To be the dad that I can be. The anchor that I am... that I was... when my W and I first met and most likely what drew her to me and allowed her to say "I do".
So about that score card... I am so very sorry, but my fear for the kids well being and my inability to do anything about it, because my W is very good at negotiating... the only thing that I can use is the score card.
How can I protect my kids from the environment they are in? Bring them here with me as often as possible. Go for walks in the bush, a swim in the lake, boat rides, time around a fire with just a friend, each other, and me...? Things that are very good to soothe the inner fire, calm the soul, be at peace and one with the world... Get AWAY FROM THE DRAMA!
I do not have a developed skill or tool set to use in my arsenal, other than a score card. 14%, 28%, 50 / 50...
Get them away from the drugs, get them away from the booze, get them away from the drama, get them away from the sex... LET THEM BE KIDS... and when I'm there with them...? THAT is when I shine. THAT is when I am the happy dad, the strong dad, the pleasant dad, with the encouraging words, the answers to the scientific and sociological and theological questions of the world... the imagination of the child... the things that aren't the brutal reality of the word we live in...
I want to protect my kids and I can't because my W wants the kids on the weekends, where she ships them off to friend's places, or extra curricular, or leaves them at home to their own design, or drags them out to adult parties, or lets them be soothed to sleep by people other than their parents.
She has done a much better job at spending one on one or actual "family" time with them. I have to say though, what I've been accused of by her, of not being "with them"... We are BOTH so very guilty of that.
Score card time again. The difference? I KNOW that I have fallen into the trap, still do, of setting the kids to task, making them busy, while they are with me, so that I can go do my thing, get work done, etc. But...? I WOULD NEVER have the kid's scheduled time with me be a situation where I sent them off to a friend's or got a baby sitter, because I want to be with them. My W has.
Sorry if that sounds like I'm keeping score. I AM. AND I'm JUDGING her for it. I admit it! I OWN that issue. Now I need to do something about that. But it doesn't solve the core issue. If she wants to go out on a weekend that she has the kids... SEND THEM TO ME! Honestly, mark my word and bet me a large sum of money on this. She is gone for two weekends in a row, after this one. Do you REALLY think that she is going to spend the next two weekends hanging with her kids? She will absolutely, without a doubt, have already arranged for going out and hanging with her bffs, drinking and being with OM, and either shipping the kids out or dragging them along to be in that environment again...
Am I angry at her? NO. Heck, she can do what she wants. I DO NOT CARE!!! But don't drag the kids along. Don't involve the kids in your adult entertainment. And please... please consider (which she truly has not, in the past) that I am here and am their parent and that the kids could... SHOULD... be with me as a FIRST option. May I stress... I AM NOT ANGRY because she's doing what she wants. I AM ANGRY because the kids are exposed to what I (and many others around here) perceive to be negative environments and situations.
I need to be me, I need to be the best dad (better than I am) that can be... and I need to figure out how I can be with the kids, protect the kids, in a way that is not based on a score card... and I do not know how...
BTW: Regarding D13 and "showing her I have not and will not abandon her". Yes, I did text that, this last time. Previously, I have told her. I continue to show her time and again by being there for her. I will be hanging with her for half an hour at the boxing ring today, to watch her spar.
And I cannot forget about D8. I never would, but I know that D8 feels put out when D13 is around. She wants D13 around... wants to be like and do the things that D13 is doing... yet competes with D13 for my attention. I do my best to be sure that when I am with D8 and D13 is around, that I focus on D8.
Never mind being upset that I am sad. D8 is at risk of feeling abandoned by me. I need to be very focused on that.
