Been over on the MLC forum reading the posts there; now I'm starting to consider my W is falling victim to that. She's 48, so turning 50 is right around the corner; her moods are all over the charts; she started Zumba classes at almost the same time she connected with the OM on Facebook...I don't know, it just seems to me that all the planets are in alignment for this to be a real condition.
So I now look at her differently. The EA with the OM - who is now out of the picture for good, I think - was a small band-aid she was trying to put on a huge wound. I fully admit to behaviors I exhibited during our M that added to her pain. But her tendency to find the cloud in every silver lining, her feeling that everyone she has loved has abandoned her (and therefore makes her the perpetual victim) and the possibility she is facing a MLC makes me realize there is so much going on underneath the surface that has little to do with me. Now I want to, as 25yearsmlc says, "Keep the road back home paved smooth."
I've also been reading posts by Truegritter, Denver_2010, 25yearsmlc...and all I can say to them, as well as everyone else here, is "Thank you". They have been truly inspirational. When this all started on March 7, I never thought I would get even this far without losing it. But I have learned to be patient, to stop obsessing about my W's every word and action, to keep myself healthy and to understand that I am not responsible for her thoughts, her actions or her behaviors.
Only a couple of weeks ago I was close to telling her "Go. Get out of my life." But that is the exact opposite of what I want. So I will work on reinventing myself. If she comes around and sees me for who I have become, and not who I was, then we both win. If she walks and continues to walk, I will know that I gave it everything within me to give.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
