Get the big picture here, not the minutiae. You are using a microscope to measure each % and it's not cool. I understand this is new and you are working things out. Thing is, you didn't address her BIG PICTURE concerns or what I said. She has some good points. As for your d13, first-"implied" is appropriate language and you have to watch your language big time. Also, clearly your d8 is feeling responsible for you in a way she shouldn't. This is why I tell parents "the kids are watching" and to remember that we are modelling for them, the behavior of a gracious strong man of honor, facing hardship. Not an angry man who is measuring tit for tat under the guise of "best for the kids".
BTW I don't think that's the only thing going on here KD.I think you ARE dragging them into some $%^&* and you have to stop that. And you need to reassure your w that you will put their happiness first and that any past hurt your d8 saw is old news...and make that true. I know you want to put them first but like many of us, you can talk yourself into something that isn't quite truthful. We've all been there.
good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You know what? That's Bull! I AM a good dad. I've done some things that were wrong and wish I hadn't. I've made amends to the kids. I am a good dad and I do everything that I can to ensure that my issues that I had with my W did not interfere with how I interact with them.
All this one sided carp is making me... I don't have a word for it right now.
My W is staying out all night, leaving my D13 at home alone, or with a 13 year old friend.
My W is taking my kids to her friends, where OM hangs with her, and I know these parties, I've seen pictures of W and OM completely drunk, laying all over each other on an outdoor rocker. And comments on the pictures laughing about how much they had consumed by this time.
My W is going out to parties and then bringing her drunk friends home because "they are too drunk to drive" (while the kids are at home, no less) and it includes OM, and then staying up till four and five in the morning, continuing to drink.
My D8 tells me how OM and some new guy that could also be a potential A are rubbing her back to put her to sleep while she is at these parties at "the usual place."
And I'M THE ONE THAT'S MESSING MY KIDS UP???!! Peeing the bed at 8 and smoking pot at 12?
I DON'T THINK SO!
I am a good dad. I take care of them. I spend time with them. I have done everything I can to keep my mouth in check when I'm down or having a bad day. And sometimes I make mistakes or am not clear on what I'm trying to say...
I'm working on that. In the mean time. Kids deserve to be with BOTH PARENTS.
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I'm sorry. I had to vent. But I am not the only responsible party here.
A very good friend of mine mentioned bed wetting issues with her kids. She has been to counseling for this stuff as well as stuff from her own, messed up childhood.
She mentioned that with one of her kids, bed wetting only occurred when kid was with her. A sign that the kid had issues with her, which had later been resolved. Another bed wetted at her place AND another AND at a friends, so his issues were on something else. These were psychological issues, not physical issues.
She mentioned how when her mom started openly dating (or being with someone she was having a relation with) my friend would throw MAJOR tantrums. And she revealed that the tantrums were to put focus on HER so that her mother would drop focus on OM.
There are two families that W hangs out most with and both these families, who have kids, have the mothers who are smoking pot. One family (which W does not hang out with much these days) has two daughters who have been sneaking and smoking pot, a third who will probably follow that route. The oldest has recently been put on suicide watch. Her issues began about three years ago when she lost her virginity (at about 13), and she began cutting, using drugs, etc, etc. This is all open, my daughters know about this.
The middle daughter is the one who my D13 smoked pot with. According to D13, middle daughter has also lost her virginity recently at 13.
The other family, the one who my W spends the most time with, their 13 year old son is sneaking pot from his mom. My D13 also knows this.
The fathers in both these families are alcoholics.
Are these bad people? No. They are good people who have addictions. I (mostly) like them. The only one I really have issues with is the enabling gf with the son who sneaks pot, who is supporting W in her WAS syndrome and enabling and encouraging and helping to hide the OM.
I struggled with alcohol as a teenager / young adult. I stopped once I realized I was going down a bad path. I do drink, but I found I am not an alcoholic. I have gone years with only one or two drinks. Very rarely do I get drunk. I thank my hangovers for that. I have used drugs when I was young and have maybe smoked pot 5 times over the past 15 years.
My W smoked a lot of pot when she was a teenager. When with her friends, while at school, etc. It was a bad time in her life. Around the time her dad and mom split for a year. They are now divorced, about three years ago, now. Her mom has since married a childhood sweetheart who she had her first daughter with, at the age of 14.
My W's dad was an booze rep who always had "a garage full of booze" (samples and orders) that she and her brothers and friends would tap into in their teen years, while he was in that business.
These are all "good and normal" people (depending on what one considers good and normal to be).
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I just want fair time with my kids. My W tells me that I need to be flexible and can't have them every weekend and her work and the variables of being a kid will interfere with how often the kids can see me.
I get that... I just want some consistency here. Some regularity... and a little more than 14%... sorry for nit picking...
That's what I'm looking for. If I am hurting the kids rather than helping them by being around them, then...
I do have a lot to think about...
you are NOT hurting them by being around them and I said no such thing. I said you might be exposing them too much or burdening d8 too much with your pain. That's not the same thing. And the wording of d13 about being abandoned byy you or thinking you implied that, is telling. Granted, I have a d13 and they can be overly dramatic BUT that is often actually how they feel-the DRAMA of it all, ya know? But imo, you can't just "text" her your reassurance. Are you waiting to be in person? Don't. Call her up and tell her you WILL BE THERE FOR HER and that you are Not abandoning her, and don't wait til you see her for that...come on. You can be around them and NOT hurt them. I mean, are you suggesting otherwise? Your w didn't.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
lose the scorecard. And the anger...really, THAT is not good for the kids.
Looking at the tone and wording of your w's letter is what I'm going by. It was well reasoned and calmly articulated.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My "being" has always been about balance. Equilibrium. Fairness. Justness.
That statement itself is very telling on how / who "I am".
I come here and I talk about my frustrations. I vent. But mostly, I am here to learn about me. How I can be a better person. What I can do better. If how I am being is better or worse.
I have no doubt that whatever conversation I had with D13, that is what she took away from it. I am appalled that it would have come out that way, as I would not have the conscious intention to do so. Consciously, quite the opposite in fact would my intentions have been. I am not ALL good and I have negative behaviours that over my life, I will fix.
Still... on the other side of that sword, I have been mostly careful about posting negative things about my W. She is a good person and while I know she needs to work through whatever she needs to and live her life as she sees fit, to the best of her ability... she IS controlling and manipulative with EVERYONE in her surroundings. Like she never stopped being that 13 year old. At least on the inside. Like she's stuck... Looking for the do-over... that will never come...
My anger? My anger is from frustration. My frustrations is from fear and concern. I am VERY worried about the environment my kids are currently in. Very worried, indeed.
What I have provided for the kids is time to be with me. To be the dad that I can be. The anchor that I am... that I was... when my W and I first met and most likely what drew her to me and allowed her to say "I do".
So about that score card... I am so very sorry, but my fear for the kids well being and my inability to do anything about it, because my W is very good at negotiating... the only thing that I can use is the score card.
How can I protect my kids from the environment they are in? Bring them here with me as often as possible. Go for walks in the bush, a swim in the lake, boat rides, time around a fire with just a friend, each other, and me...? Things that are very good to soothe the inner fire, calm the soul, be at peace and one with the world... Get AWAY FROM THE DRAMA!
I do not have a developed skill or tool set to use in my arsenal, other than a score card. 14%, 28%, 50 / 50...
Get them away from the drugs, get them away from the booze, get them away from the drama, get them away from the sex... LET THEM BE KIDS... and when I'm there with them...? THAT is when I shine. THAT is when I am the happy dad, the strong dad, the pleasant dad, with the encouraging words, the answers to the scientific and sociological and theological questions of the world... the imagination of the child... the things that aren't the brutal reality of the word we live in...
I want to protect my kids and I can't because my W wants the kids on the weekends, where she ships them off to friend's places, or extra curricular, or leaves them at home to their own design, or drags them out to adult parties, or lets them be soothed to sleep by people other than their parents.
She has done a much better job at spending one on one or actual "family" time with them. I have to say though, what I've been accused of by her, of not being "with them"... We are BOTH so very guilty of that.
Score card time again. The difference? I KNOW that I have fallen into the trap, still do, of setting the kids to task, making them busy, while they are with me, so that I can go do my thing, get work done, etc. But...? I WOULD NEVER have the kid's scheduled time with me be a situation where I sent them off to a friend's or got a baby sitter, because I want to be with them. My W has.
Sorry if that sounds like I'm keeping score. I AM. AND I'm JUDGING her for it. I admit it! I OWN that issue. Now I need to do something about that. But it doesn't solve the core issue. If she wants to go out on a weekend that she has the kids... SEND THEM TO ME! Honestly, mark my word and bet me a large sum of money on this. She is gone for two weekends in a row, after this one. Do you REALLY think that she is going to spend the next two weekends hanging with her kids? She will absolutely, without a doubt, have already arranged for going out and hanging with her bffs, drinking and being with OM, and either shipping the kids out or dragging them along to be in that environment again...
Am I angry at her? NO. Heck, she can do what she wants. I DO NOT CARE!!! But don't drag the kids along. Don't involve the kids in your adult entertainment. And please... please consider (which she truly has not, in the past) that I am here and am their parent and that the kids could... SHOULD... be with me as a FIRST option. May I stress... I AM NOT ANGRY because she's doing what she wants. I AM ANGRY because the kids are exposed to what I (and many others around here) perceive to be negative environments and situations.
I need to be me, I need to be the best dad (better than I am) that can be... and I need to figure out how I can be with the kids, protect the kids, in a way that is not based on a score card... and I do not know how...
BTW: Regarding D13 and "showing her I have not and will not abandon her". Yes, I did text that, this last time. Previously, I have told her. I continue to show her time and again by being there for her. I will be hanging with her for half an hour at the boxing ring today, to watch her spar.
And I cannot forget about D8. I never would, but I know that D8 feels put out when D13 is around. She wants D13 around... wants to be like and do the things that D13 is doing... yet competes with D13 for my attention. I do my best to be sure that when I am with D8 and D13 is around, that I focus on D8.
Never mind being upset that I am sad. D8 is at risk of feeling abandoned by me. I need to be very focused on that.
Re read the little note wherein I said "lose the scorecard...and the anger"..b/c it consumes YOU and does not help anyone, least of all you or your kids...
The very next post of yours is filled with your judgement, (which you admit, a bit too self righteously) and your anger "at the frustration" you feel, as if that's a unique form of anger...And then you put in your denials of anger and how you really don't care...oh, okay...ALL the details of how YOU don't have double standards and blah blah blah DEFENSIVENESS GALORE...btw, you said you have the kids on task during your time with them so you can get other things done but that's somehow WAY different than your w parking them somewhere so SHE can get things done...whatever KD...and please don't outline her character flaws on your grievance list, and then portray yourself as a hapless victim of her outrageous behaviors... I don't know what you were like when m, but you are no picnic for your w now. It must take so much discipline for her to deal with you when you are clearly very angry and at times not capable of objectivity. HER letter was calm. Your post here, even after being told to lose the anger, is plenty long and plenty angry.
geez, dig a little deeper. Be a bit more self aware. I'm sorry KD, but I mean, how's this approach working for you?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm chalking this down to a "bad day". With exceptions...
And this will likely come across as being self righteous or similar, unattractive tripe.
It was a good afternoon and evening. I'd say borderline great.
Went to the boxing ring and hung with D13 while she went through some exercises and sparred. Pleasant time for both of us, from where I sat.
After that, picked up Venus and headed off to city for a wine tasting event.
Stopped at a lounge for a quick bite and some conversation before the event.
Received text from W. "Would like to talk to you. Can I call you in 1/2 hour". No idea what to do with that. Out of character for W. She doesn't text me any more.
Venus convinces me to respond. I do so and mention that I'll try to get a hold of her as soon as possible. W then texts back an hour later and says she'll wait for me to get back to her.
Wine tasting event is fun. Good group of people. Strike up conversation with people next to me. Couple ladies, one married, one not. Had lots of laughs. Single lady caught my eye. hmmmmm...
Event is over, I text W that I am sorry I couldn't get back to her yet. Ask her if she can text it. W responds with "No need to talk. Call when you can. It's about this weekend."
Venus and I go to near by BP and grab some food. W texts again, asking if I will call tonight. I respond saying I will for sure. Ask if she can give me a heads up what this is about. W responds indicating it's about being fair to me about seeing the kids... hmmmmm... Follows that with about what's in D8's best interest. I text back, promising to call as soon as possible.
I call W on the way back.
The call is much longer than I expect. Maybe longer than I should have allowed, but it was a good call. Much revealed.
W indicated that her "pull back" with the kids visits was about her being mad at me for something she thinks I did this past week. Something about me snooping. I really didn't. I haven't been around the house since the video clip incident which was before I moved.
W then said that she purposely changed the kids' visits for that reason and realized that was a knee jerk reaction and not fair. She did say that she was worried about not seeing the kids on the weekends and I validated saying I completely understood. She said the word of the day is "sacrifice". She indicated she understands how difficult it must be for me to not have access to the kids. How things are different now because of the move. And how things might look regarding visits with the kids this summer.
I told my W I really appreciated her sharing that with me and that it is tough not seeing the kids. I mentioned that I was sorry that I was coming across as being a jerk as it was a reaction to missing the kids.
W mentioned that D13 went back to the house after boxing and told W how she was very excited and happy that I had been there. Not sure if that was part of W's reason for changing her mind again.
There was more. Yes, partly about us. How I had been making it clear that I did not want to talk to her. Me saying that I DID want to talk to her but was not contacting her because it was my understanding that she did not want to talk to me and that I have always been here for her to call.
We cleared the air.
At the end of the conversation, W indicated that if I wanted, we could go back to splitting this weekend with D8, to which I whole heartedly agreed and accepted.
We closed the conversation of agreeing that we were both sad that we ended up "here" in regards to our unwillingness to communicate and trust each other. And that this is our new starting point.
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Baby steps. But from where I sit and I'm sure my W as well, the baby steps are simply just a positive towards being able to feel comfortable talking to each other. Nothing more at this time and unlikely ever. But at least we can work on being able to co-parent and be in the same room together.
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Had fun flirting with the waitress at BP and look forward to the next wine tasting event. I think I'll strike up a bigger conversation with my new wino friends... lol...
I can see tweaks here and there but overall, really good.
My 2 family members who div and then remarried their ex's, started out with some minimal basics like this. And from that they built more. I think they must have dated OPs b/c they were div for a couple years. but they both said the 2nd time around was better.
So It happens. And I can't see the harm in Keeping the Road Home, paved and smooth.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
