Hi, the comment you made about your h being in all of your adult life really rang true with me, and yet, like you I had a great job, and a busy life.
Nevertheless all the they key memories, and main events were shared, and there is a huge and aching sense of loss for a long time - the past feels unsafe. A good friend of mine who was widowed after a long and happy marriage said that in some ways what is happening to us is worse, which I thought was gracious, insightful and probably true.
Anyway, the big question is how we get through it. Antonia is right about going back to doing things we liked. Trouble is in our present emotional state they can seem unworthwhile, and I found it hard to concentrate for the longest time. I now know that this was shock and trauma, but I thought it would last for ever, and it frightened me.
I did find extremely helpful the exercise of finding 6 good tings that had happened each day, and being grateful for them.
What I am trying to say in a roundabout way is that there really is no magic solution. All of these things help, and you will still have good days and bad days. But each time we bounce back a little better and a little faster. In fact I would say that each of the bad times is a prelude to feeling better, but that is with hindsight.
Personally I found understanding more about MLC helpful, but I know others think this causes us to remain stuck . . . so that is a personal decision, based I think on how we learn and move forward.
I am now OK, really OK not just faking it so my friends and family don't worry. I know I had a good and loving marriage, and I can safely revisit all of those memories, and I also know that my husbands reality is altered probably for ever, but that is not anything I can do anything about. he isn't happy, and may never be, and I am truly sorry about that. There was a time when I hoped he would suffer as I did . . . now I would not wish it on anyone. I even feel sorry for OW - what a horrible way to live.
The crunch is that it took me 5 and a half years to get it totally. Compared with people like Antonia and Mila this is a tremendously long time, but I got there in the end, and it was largely good for much of the intervening time. It gets better gradually, and you will come to love yourself and eventually the hateful journey. Hugs.
