I know what you mean about looking you in the face. When my stbx left me back in '03, he was a bit like that. When he did look at me, he was guilt stricken. I changed the locks. It meant he had to see me to get his stuff, but it also meant that we didn't have petty arguments over things disappearing. He got mad, but how could he blame me for changing the locks when he moved out.
It's gut wrenching to even make the decision to separate from someone you love and have built a life with. It's even harder to actually make the break. Having been on both sides, my heart goes out to both of you.
Why would your H take the bus? Maybe one of "his friends" gave him a ride. Don't worry about them either. If they're petty and immature, you don't want to share them. If they're conflicted, they'll come around. Since they're the ones who didn't show up at the party, it reflects much less on you than it does on them.
PMA is at a medium level for the past 2 days. Not a lot of stuff going on with meetup and all my friends are busy this week so I'm struggling a little with finding things to do. Yesterday I caught up on some TV shows and today I applied to jobs.
Anyways, onto the current sitch. I have not spoken to H since Sunday. I had a session with my DB coach yesterday and once again, he really put my focus in the right places. I see what I need to be doing now I just have to figure out how to get there...
I need to get to the point where I can be compassionate again. How do I validate when we do talk? How do I give him his words of affirmation? How do I let him know I understand how he feels and that it's OK to feel that way. I have to get myself in a place where I can do all these things.
The DB coach said something to me that made me tear up in empathy for my H - something like... "He's spent his whole life being told that negative emotions aren't ok to feel. That he needs to remove himself from the family and deal with them on his own. You need to make him understand that it's OK to feel what he is feeling." And in that moment, all the things that my H must be feeling just rushed into me and I started crying when I realized the pain he must be in. (I'm actually crying again now typing this out.) This I need to capture and bottle somehow so that I can be that safe place for him. I can see now how I have shut down his attempts to share difficult feelings and made it harder for him and I'm just so very sorry that I caused him this pain right now.
PMA down again today. Mornings continue to be the hardest part of the day. I have my workout in 10 minutes though so hopefully that will lift things up for a while.
I initiated a short conversation with H last night because I ran over my "anytime" minutes on our plan with all the phone calls to friends and parents. He looked into it and those minutes are just on my phone so he's ok to make calls - he said he would look into making a plan change to get me some more minutes for now. That was nice.
Other than that, haven't really spoken to him. Just waiting at this point... patience, patience, patience. It's so hard.
You should know this from last time and I should have known it for the last 6 years: turn that sentence around and delete a word or three and it's much better. "Go on with my life while he works through whatever is going on in his head".
H stopped by to get the car and do some shopping. We chatted a little bit, he's uncomfortable talking to me still but I just tried to be positive and smiling. I asked some questions about how things were going with him and commiserated over something that happened at work.
He says he's going "stir crazy" downtown without a car or anything. He gets bored and walks around when he's not too busy with work.
He might need the car again tomorrow evening too - we'll see... I was thinking about going somewhere.
I just wanted to also mention that it was really nice talking about something that wasn't our R, the D or any logistics to this whole thing. We talked about working out, the nice day it was, his work and things like that. I miss my H!
It's a beautiful spring day and all I can think of is how much I miss my H right now. I want to call him up so bad right now and plead and beg. This is a day I would normally walk down to his work so I could meet him and walk home... a day we would spend together walking around or out doing something active... a day we would share together.
Doesn't he miss having a companion to share things like this with? How can your best friend of 15 years suddenly decide they don't like you anymore overnight.
