I appologize, there's a lot here. I'm posting the whole response from my W. Most of it I was completely unaware of. But asking "where she's coming from" or "what her position is" might come out in this email. It sounds "reasonable" enough, I suppose:
"What I said, or meant to say, is I don't think it's fair that you get them every weekend and I have them during the week only. Between Brownies, boxing, working, homework, showers, bedtime routines, etc. I don't have any down time with them. I want them this weekend, and you can have them for the following two. It's enabling gf's son's confirmation on Sunday and my Grandpa comes home on Sunday (he is very ill by the way - just had heart surgery) and we are going to go and spend Monday with him. I am in the (far away location) next weekend on business, and the following weekend I have (related business) meetings Friday and Saturday. That would mean I don't have them for any weekend time for 4 weekends in a row. I said if you want to spend time with them during the week, then feel free to come and pick them up for the evening.
D8 asked me yesterday if she gets to spend this weekend with me. I said "I think so" and she was happy about that. D13 has her friend's Birthday party on Friday night. D8 asked if she could make plans with her friend on Friday - have her over for a sleepover or something.
D13 and you have some major issues to work on. I talked to her on Monday, and she told me that three times now you have told her you are going to disown her. (Well, she said two times you used the word 'disown' and this last time you used 'abandon'). Whether this is said (or texted) in anger, hurt or whatever, in my opinion, not a good thing to tell your child who already struggles with abandonment issues. I cannot fix this between you two. All I can do is encourage her to stay involved in your life. She is adamant that she will not stay overnight when she has to go to school the next day. She is clear that she still wants to spend time with you. She is also clear that she cannot have 3 friends there at a time ..... no more than 1. (If that's allowed by you).
The other thing, in keeping focused on the kids, is that when it's your weekend, sometimes things are going to come up in their lives that mean you will have to follow through on. Yesterday, I had a meeting at Brownies about D8 camping trip to (location) (June 17 - 19). There was a special Brownie Leader there talking about the camping trip. Canoeing, crafts, hiking, etc. Everyone was very excited. Then the Leader commented on the fact that it was Fathers Day that Sunday and D8 absolutely melted. She said there was no way she could go, that you would be sad if she went. I reassured her that you could pick up her up at (location) whenever you wanted on that Sunday (camp is over at noon, but they said parents could come earlier if it interfered with Fathers Day plans). She cried and cried until both I and a few other moms and leaders around her convinced her that you would not want her to miss this camping opportunity. Yesterday she came home with an invitation to a birthday party on June 4th in (location). (I think it's at some kind of pool). You would have her that weekend, so I don't know what to respond. Will you take her in for it? Let me know so I can RSVP. I haven't even asked D8 if she wants to go yet.
KD, she peed the bed last week, and came home from your place with a small rash on her face. These are totally signs of a kid who is under way, way too much stress. When she is with me she is grumpy, grouchy, loving, fun, funny, angry, sad, etc. She is showing me all the emotions of a kid who is not afraid to stomp all over my feelings in the moment. She tells me she would never do half of the things she does with me because she doesn't want you to be sad. She is 8 turning 9 and is far too worried about her Dad's well being. I think I should get her some counselling through my ADP plan. I think she's got lots going on in her head, lots of struggles with guilt and loyalty issues ... I don't ever want D8 to feel like she has to choose between us. We need to be sensitive to her and what she needs right now. And we will only know by her actions - she will never bad mouth or be honest with us about how she's feeling.
Unfortunately, I think you're right and that if push comes to shove, D13 is going to choose to be with me, but let's not forget a) who she is as a person (incredibly strong willed) b) where she's come from (abandoned by biodad), c) fiercely loyal to me, and d) a self-absorbed teenager right now. This too shall pass with time, and I think it's critical right now that you give her breathing room and let her be hostile .... it's what 13 year olds do best. Don't think I'm not getting it at home too .... yesterday she was an absolute witch to me. She was about 3 seconds away from losing her phone, all because she wanted to go out with (2 of her friends) for a walk and I told her no. I reminded her that she is still grounded until the end of grade 8, and that she was not going to be hanging out with her friends during the week. She blew a nut, threw at me the fact that FS16 can go out with his friends during the week, at which point I reminded her that FS16 was not smoking pot, and if he was, he wouldn't be going out either. That shut her up fast, and she dropped the attitude and quickly gave into the fact that I was not bending on this. She told me she was sorry and we carried on with our evening. (Of which she stayed home and painted her nails and read a book for school). The point of this is to tell you that it's not all a bed of roses with D13 for me either right now, but that it's critical that we don't give in to her every whim.
Lots to think about, lots to do. We need to stay focused on what's best for the kids right now ....... "
