I have had some conversations off line with some of your favorite cartoon characters here and I wanted to put some of that here because I feel it may be helpful for me to have it here too.

I think I have come to a big realization. I had/have all these expectations of her of how it looks when I would take her back.

Contrition. Begging me to come back. Taking responsibility for her actions by telling me she is sorry for what she did.

I have punished her after each transgression during our M and I still bring it up to justify why she needs get on her knees and beg my forgiveness.

Who the f@ck would want to come back to that? Why do I NEED that?

How would I feel if I let that go? How would she feel if she feels like I have done that?

I am not talking about getting back together right now. That has been the outcome I have been focusing on and which has led me here and seeing myself as victim.

I am the victim. And I am the only one who can release myself from that. I don’t need her to do it BUT I have expected her to.

What if I let her go. I mean I let all of it go all the sh!t she did, all of the need for contrition, all of the conditions I might have for a reconciliation OR moving on

…The outcome? Maybe that my very presence doesn’t remind her of how much she f@cked up. I don’t want to be that guy anymore. The neon sign that flashes in her head "YOU SUCKK" I don’t want to be the wellspring of pain for her.

By holding on to that, and any expectation between us
... I am killing her and myself.

Why did I sabotage our meeting? To punish her again.

And again. And again until.... I feel better? I don’t feel better. I am angry. Not with her, with myself.

Angry that I am not getting the apology or the contrition I need? Why should I place that in her hands?

Is this answer really that f@cking simple? Apparently I have to live 20 years of my life with two different women who have betrayed me to understand that I had the answer to my salvation all along.

Now how not to forget that….ever.

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My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am