Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 4

[sparks14]

Thanks for checking in, AJ. I have been holding off posting again until after today's couple therapy session. Now I am not sure if I really want to fully journal it. I think I came to another point where I am just emotionally drained.

Today was pretty tough. I wouldn't say it was as knock down, drag out as the last few, but it was not positive.

I won't go until a lot of detail, but it involved a brief discussion of her resentment that I spend more time with a mutual friend. She gives multiple excuses which are all directed at me that have no merit. I want her to spend more time with him, but I cannot control that.

Most of the conversation had to do with finances. We have to buy two new car seats for our son, but they are pretty expensive. I had the idea to sell off some old car seats that were given to us last year and some old iphones on craigslist. My idea was to make enough money to pay for both of the new ones. She then went into a long discussion how she thinks the items I am trying to sell are hers and hers alone, and that she should receive all of the money that is made. It is all pretty frustrating, but the common theme is that I make more money than her and do not need it.

I touched om the reality that she walked out and wanted to live on her own. She snapped back that she intends to keep it that way, and that she is doing just fine and enjoying her freedom. The idea that she wants to stay separated and enjoying it was really tough to hear, but I don't know if I will accept it as truth.

We talked about how we have done well to both consider the needs of our S and each pay for any expenses when each of us have him. We also mentioned that we split all of his other expenses. This is why I figured that splitting this money for the benefit of our S made sense.

I mentioned that I did not want to talk about divorce, but the things we are looking to sell would probably be considered community property anyway and would be split accordingly. Our therapist chimed in and mentioned that I would also be paying child support, since I made more money.


This really upset me and made me get a little emotional. I said that I did not want to bring it up, but I think it is pretty horrible that my W chose to have this affair, she walked out on me and our home, she broke up our family and my time with our baby. The idea that she wants more from me really breaks me down.

Our therapist mentioned that those emotions from me are a big elephant in the room that need to be addressed. I told her that I did not want to talk about them and wanted to put my concentration and bring my W and I closer, not discussing the ideas of permanent separation. My therapist believes that bringing this topic into the open would do more good than bad. Allowing the ideas to come up often would be more damaging and push my W further. It would be best to get it all out and discuss it.

I am guessing that will be the theme for next week. I just don't know how excited I am about the thoughts of digging deep into how these pains are effecting me. I have been doing a pretty good job improving myself and moving forward. Detaching. Digging these emotions back out would be tough, but they are still lingering, so maybe it would benefit. Hard to know.

I had tears in my eyes as this was discussed, and we had to end the conversation with our hour up. I walked W and S back to her car and strapped S up for the ride home. My W gave me a big hug and held on. I know she did this, because she could see the pain she is causing me. I welcomed holding her, but it really did make me feel weak.

I wrote more than I intended. I always do. I am just emotionally spent right now. Questioning my strength and patience. Wondering how I am going to hold up. I know we all have a breaking point, but I hope I am not at mine. I really need to rebound and get it together.