I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[ClingingToHope]

Rough night Saturday with girls and it led to what I hope is a permanent breakthrough.

D8's ADHD friend was getting on my nerves. D12 was kind of in a mood too and when she didn't like how I was refereeing their various fights she said "I want to go to mom's."

I stopped the car and said -- loudly -- that that won't work. My time is my time and I won't be blackmailed.

And things just didn't go well for several hours.

Eventually, I calmed down and I felt bad later and things were good on Sunday.

The sermon on Sunday was about anger and not dealing with it. That had me thinking. Then on Monday I looked up some old sermons online and began listening to one about "taking things from your basement (past hurts and disappointments) and putting it out to the curb."

My dad had anger issues. My mom had anger issues. STBXW has anger issues. I have anger issues. I have to stop the cycle and my anger comes from fear.

I am afraid I will end up alone.

I am afraid people will look at me as a failure.

I am afraid the girls will love STBXW more.

I am afraid others won't see me as a good parent.

Then I started wondering what exactly am I afraid of. I have been married. I have two wonderful daughters. They love me. If I lost my job I have friends I could stay with until I get back on my feet. If D8 is having a meltdown in a crowded store I have to focus on her and not what others might be thinking. Only D8 is important.

My goal really is to live a life without fear and anger. If I can do that I am richer than Bill Gates.

That was one epiphany. A second came last night. At my divorce class, they discussed sex and, for the most part, it wasn't all that interesting. There were no visuals.

But one thing was very interesting. This one study talked about five levels of intimacy and it showed wherever sex came into the equation, the intimacy never grew.

So if you hooked up really early when you were still getting to know each other then the relationship then becomes about the sex and the relationship never really grows.

STBXW and I hooked up after our fourth date and then we had a very physical relationship for the next year. When that died down we always struggled a lit bit. I realized after we split that there are lots of things I don't really know about her. There's lots of things she didn't feel like sharing.

I also realized that no one really knows much about STBXW -- unless she's shared it with someone else since. She always felt like she would lose a guy without sex so she'd give in within three months and then the guy would leave her.

That was her experience with guys before me.

I digress.

The sex thing was an eye-opening realization.

I have felt so much better about things the past couple of days.

Last night, STBXW was over with the girls because it's a hectic week with D12's play. And she was in the living room doing homework with D12. She was here 30 minutes and I didn't feel anger or bitterness. I have been afraid for so long that I was the reason for her unhappiness and that she would find someone else and I would fade away.

That's an irrational fear. We shared 15 years together and two daughters and lots of good times. I am the central part of her life and she is the central part of mine. That won't change.

I am sure I will be tested, but I really hope when the anger rises inside of me I will remember to ask "OK, what am I afraid of here."

OK. Time to get back to playing on the Wii with D8 and checking out the playoffs. Go Bulls.