Yesterday was overall a nice day one of those days truly enjoy wheezy Inge go fairly well and we laugh and play. As mentioned before there was one major issue and one minor one. I made lunch for myself using the pancake frying pan. I didn't think much of it, and put it in the sink to soak. A few hours later my W saw and completely freaked out. I mean she went nuclear. She claimed I knew it was the good pan, and called me every expletive she could think of in the book. I told her it was no problem that I could always wash it right away. This didn't calm her down, then she started criticizing me for not having replaced the scrubbing pad. I told her I thought it was fine, but if she thought it needed to be changed I would. So I started washing while she started On dinner and she said she needed the space to make dinner. I said sure, and walked away to go get on the computer.
After she was done she came by and apologized. I think not letting her bait me, and giving her time to see how crazy her actions were worked. If I would have gotten dragged into it she surely would have used my reaction to make herself the victim and would not have apologized.
The minor issue was that she wanted to play video games with me and threw what seemed to be a mini tantrum. I was a little bothered by this but told her that if she really wanted to play that badly all she has to do is ask nicely. We ended up playing, despite her trying to pretend she didn't want to.
Communication why is it so hard........
Other than that though as I had said I had a great day with her we actually had fun together.
Today I need to do more stuff around the house. Did not get to go swimming so I will do Yoga instead. Say what you want that stuff makes you strong.
GB; Sounds like you are not reinforcing her bad behavior and yet reinforcing her good behavior. That is powerful stuff. It is what takes some a long time to figure out through all kinds of 180's.
One caution. You are coming up on a major move. Change is stressful. Expect your wife to react to the stress of the move and setting up a new life in a foreign country.
Someday if you get a chance, borrow the book Future Shock and read the chapter about stress and its negative impact on health. Then look at the stress-point charts and calculate some of the stress you are under. You might be surprised and realize how important physical exercise is to GAL and reducing your stress.
As to your action plans. If I were in your shoes, I would try to set up some things that I was looking forward to when I arrived at my new "home." It would give me something to look forward to.
You might also want to consider that you wife is going to be stressed by the move and see if there are anythings that she might be looking foward to. Just be careful (emotionally) that you not get too attached to some joint activity with your wife or she might use it as a means of trying to control you or inflict pain on you.
However, if there is something she is looking forward to then, that could help her settle into her new location. You have said that you invested a lot in touring bicycles. European clothes sizes freaked my wife out and confused the heck out of me. You also said that your wife seems to have a relationship with her clothes closet.
If your wallet can afford it, maybe going to a bike/sports shop and getting her some padded bick shorts (in US women's sizes) or a new stretch top might be a way for her to start thinking about what she is going to do in her new location. That way she will have things to look forward to as well.
My concern is that if neither of you has plans for what you want to do once you settle in and arrive, your wife may just freak out at the change. If she has something she wants to do then she will focus more on that, then the discomfort and confusion of the move.
Others are providing you with great advice. You seem to be making some progress. You still have a long road in your DB roller-coaster ride.
Enjoy the good days. Focus on visualizing a happy you and know that you are worthy of the love of a good woman.
P.S. I view ML as really building love and bonding two people into a couple. However, I would wager that for some reason your wife is very angry with you for some percieved hurt. Until she has really forgiven you and wants/needs your love, I think that ML is too soon. I found your comparison of SSM women and some of their common views interesting.
Silly Old Bear posted a podcast in the SSM forum about an ex-minister who was in a SSM and one of the things in it was about how for some women the only area of "control" they felt they had in a marriage was access to their body and that at least in this one group discussed in the podcast it seemed to be a universal shutting down their libido.
While I didn't care for the anti-religion tone of the podcast, it provoked some thought about why some women in marriages shut down sexually.
Again, it may not be what is motivating your wife, but I also don't fully know her story and what areas she feels she is in control of in her life.
Good luck and enjoy your packing and guitar. Stay focused on GAL and building a strong you that get's your needs meet along with those of your family.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Yeah I have a huge list of things to do when I get there. She does too. Moves have always been very stressful for her, and a fight or two is to be expected. Good thing I have also learned a lot about how to handle these fights. Also we are both so excited I think it will mitigate a lot.
As for ml I know we have discussed this before, but she does have some control issues. She has stated in the past that she feels controlled. (although lately I've been feeling like she does all the controlling, just indirectly). Her biggest complaint about sex has always been getting pressured into it by me. All i wanted was to have her and ml. Sex on her terms is a big deal to her. somehow I need to change her misconceptions of what sex means to men and what it should mean to us.
However, what really got my wife to better understand my sexual needs was a combination of my talking to her and our sex therapist talking to her.
We have had some interesting discussions since our SSM ended. Once I told her that if I ever could no long have sex with her in any shape or fashion that it was time to consider medical assisted suicide. She recoiled in horror to that comment. I pointed to the books I had shared with her like Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight telling how important physcial touch is between two people and how babies will die if they don't get the touching they need. It is still a taboo topic, but I think she has heard from me, from some books she has read, and from our sex therapist how important sex is to me.
Go forth with your packing and planning. Reinforce her good behavior and don't let your wife suck you into fights. Visualize happiness and work on your GAL.
Good luck.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Yesterday was another good day, got an unexpected hug from her it was nice.
Did Yoga for an hour and a half, relaxing yet painful. She made fun of it, at first I got a little offended, but remembered that she's always made fun of my physical activities no matter how awesome, manly, etc etc. I think she is secretly proud, just cant get herself to say something nice be it her insecurities or her inability to share her emotions. (we can blame her parents here, they too have a hard time being the encouraging type). Whatever Yoga is for me....
Plugged in my guitar and tried tuning it, after 20 Minutes of playing with the tuner I broke a string. W was changing and getting ready to go to a movie with me later (which she suggested). Told her I had busted a string and was going to go buy a replacement. She seemed shocked I was even trying to tune it. Long story short turns out my guitar was busted, the guys at the shop fixed it for free (surely a 50 dll value) and showed me some tuning tricks. They charged me a dollar total! So I decided to be grateful and bought some accessories I needed anyway. I also signed up for lessons I start in an hour and a half btw. When I got home she seemed surprised... Good... Of course she had to make fun of the amp I bought.
In the past I would stop doing things if she made fun of them. I'll discuss why and the terrible repercussions of that later. I told her about the class and she asked what about the bike fitting scheduled on the same day. I told her I called the shop to ask for the time and she said we were scheduled till Friday. She got real upset about this. She said it was unprofessional to make us wait longer, and that she didn't want to wait 2 extra days. She was so furious that she wanted to just cancel the bikes and go to another shop. Which would ironically mean another week of waiting.... I tried validating, until she turned it on mr and said that I should have put them in their place and demand that they deliver on Wednesday. At this point I stopped validating and let her rant without response. We got to Starbucks, and walked quickly. She immediately asked are you mad?
I said "no, but I don't like that you are yelling at me for what the bike shop did". She immediately snapped out of it and said that she wasn't mad at me, but that I should have said something to the bike people. I told her I did , but that they said they were backed up, and one of the bikes had not arrived yet. This calmed her down a little. Then at Starbucks they were out of the drink mix she wanted, she got irritated again, but I could tell she was trying real hard not to take it out on me. This made me feel better. She ended up getting a shake from sonic. The movie went great, and we had a lot of fun the rest of the evening. She made smoothies later that evening.
I like that she is learning to control herself. I like even better that I can stand up for myself. I used to be so afraid of conflict that, I'd get run over it was never good, and it never ended well for me. Ever since I started standing up for myself things are much better. Just like in WWII appeasement only emboldens your adversary. I need to watch Patton btw.....
Comparing where you are today to where you were when you started posting, I have to say that you have made progress.
You still have quite a ways to go, but you should feel like you are having some areas of success. You certainly have learned alot about yourself and about you wife. You also seem to be getting through to your wife in ways that she understands and causes her to change the way she acts.
Keep up the good work!
You wife still has a long way to go. Expect a roller coaster ride and backsliding. As part of your GAL you should set some goals for yourself and your relationship.
An additional point based on my experience was to apologize to my wife for the pain I had caused her and for what I did to cuase her to withdraw from me (I initially felt my W was "wrong" to have treated me so badly) once I learned that my "nice guy" approach had been part of the problem in our marriage. My apology to her was a huge thing from her perspective and almost as important as making her feel loved in her love languages.
You have a MLC wife who is rebelling, so what helped me may not be the same as what is best or you.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
From where I'm sitting, and based on what GB has written, he has little to apologize for at this point.
I don't know your w's age. You've been m a few years so your w is not a teenager. But the insults and irrational anger is, at best, adolescent. Anger about the bike, mocking the yoga, insulting the amp you bought...it sounds mean. Why do you pretend it's not? Does she ever actually apologize?
Man, it's Just SOooo not a way to live. You want to be posting this stuff when you are 40 y/o? Sorry but that's all I have.
On 2nd thought, you might want to get some other men's opinions b/c I think YAH has you covered for the unconditional love approach.
You need her respect so perhaps you could seek out robx, gucci, or stevemcqueen. They're men whose w's mistreated them, and their approaches helped them get the respect and love of their w's back. CountrySong and Denver2010 are great too although they are in their own processes. And it Can't hurt to get input from different sources, right? Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm referring to the parts of your w where you say things like "she just can't say something nice"...and that her family is like that too. And that's your explanation for why she insults your activities, regardless of whether they are "manly"...(as if that factor would justify an insult).
See, to me, people who are nasty have a hard time saying nice things.
I don't think she's evil, ok? But I don't think she is loving or kind to you very often. At least not that you post about.
And I don't want you to think that most women are that way. Most women are not hindered by an inability to praise others. At least the women I know. And most wives don't treat their h's the way your w does.
and I'm reacting to a day you considered a reasonably good one. Which makes me really sad for you. Sorry buddy.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yeah When I say I had a good day I mean it. I do a really bad job mentioning things like the friendly banter we have, or the goofy games we play, or some of the playfighting we'll do (which to me is just a thinly veiled excuse to get that physical contact we both sorely need).
When I say we had a good day it's because except for the few bad moments we have overall we had a lot of fun together. For example lately she has started calling me my pet name again. Its very nice to hear it, but I hadn't mentioned that. Were talking about a 30-45 min incident versus hours of smiles. Like I have said before I have been completely happy in the past, and want that back. It feels like we are making good progress.
I have been completely happy in the past, and want that back. It feels like we are making good progress.
Hi Greenblue,
I've read up on your sitch. There was a lot to take in.
That is great that you are making good progress, its all about baby steps. Baby steps in the right direction.Having small goals that lead to the big goal.
Me: 28 H:30 M:19/03/09 Renewed vows in home country: 19/03/10 Together: 7 1/2 years Married : 2yr 3 months S:26/06/10 reconciliation started: 1/10/10 Separation 2: 4/5/2011
