when will the pain end

[d1adsl5a]

I never thought I would be posting here again. I thought I was past everything. I know my marriage is done, but I keep finding out why things went wrong. My W still has so much anger. She moved out a year ago. She had an affair and still is after she left. We split time with our sons. I have them every saturday, sunday and monday. I guess I am your poster child of what not to do as you will see in writing this story..

I had horrible insomnia in 2008. It was going on a year by the time my w said she wanted a divorce. That was the day I started sleeping regularyly again. Why?? well after a couple years a therapy you learned how things got bad. I learned that I became a different person as well in the marriage. My wife was verbally abusive. I shut down over the years. Ended up in the brother/sister--parent/child type marriage. I get why it ended. Oh, she also said that she never really loved me and had been in love with her current boyfriend the whole time. So bottom line, i would never validate my feelings of a failing marriage, so my body did with isomnia and stress.

So what do i do...i go to eharmony to find the next wife...big mistake. I meet the most wonderful girl in the world, start a new little life. Come to find out after 9 months, that i am not completely in love with her. I break her heart a few times in trying to end things. i finally just did it for good today. The guilt is overwhelming. She was everything my wife wasn't. She was the nicest person I have ever met. i just didn't love her the way she loved me and I couldn't continue this anymore especially that i have been hanging out with her kids as well. She hadn't met mine yet. And of course my crippling insomnia along with horrible anxiety came back over the last month.

What i am realizing is that I got emotionally messed up in my marriage and it will take a long time for me to come out of this. In the process I hurt another girl who just wanted to love me...

Now my W is going after me for sole custody. Why? she wants more money. I never thought she would stoop so low to using our sons as a pawn to get more money. This divorce has been going on 18 months. I have to pay for both attorney's which has cost over $40,000. As you can tell, i am unhappy, depressed, tired, anxious, sad, full of panic, guilt...It has been a long road. I tried the antidepressant(celexa) route the first time. I had such a horrible reaction. They made me crazy. i tried them a couple times for a few days each to help with the insmonia anxiety. Well, guess what, same thing happened. I thought i was going crazy again. Note to self, that is a bad idea. I have been taking ambien every night since this started in 2008. It works for the except when my anxiety is at its peaks. Which is when I am lying to myself about my feelings. It is really about finding the source of stress to combat insomnia. The first time was that i knew my marriage was failing and I was hiding my feelings. This last time was that this girl truly loved me yet i didn't love her as much. And yes, i was almost willing myself to love her because i so wanted it to work...

I am scared because the insomnia came back. I am scared because my w is trying to take to much. i am scared because I realized as well i have been pretending to be something I am not just to get through a bad marriage..I know it is day by day, but life is so hard sometimes.


Tomorrow is another day.