I'm still here all these years later

[25yearsmlc]

Don't know how your "anger is good" right now, unless you think the only alternative is grief and depression. I know anger is not attractive to WASs & doesn't draw them back to us, & usually just validates their justifications for leaving in the first place.

But what I really wanted to tell you is that forgiveness is not about her. It's about setting yourself free.

Some LBSers think that their measure of success in life now, is related to the misery of the WAS, but it's completely unrelated. My sister used to hope her ex h would lose all his money and get gray hair, etc Aside from What kind of role model was she being for her kid's, she forgot to make her own life a good one. She spent way too much time on wondering about HIS misery.

The success of the LBSer is determined not by the misery index of their WAS's but by the happiness the LBSer creates in their new life. (Also it happens to be way more attractive to a WAS IF a recon is still a goal. No one misses a depressed clingly person, like they miss a happy upbeat "good catch")

FORGIVENESS....It Does Not matter if she "Deserves" it (which you may never really believe anyhow). She doesn't have to know about it!

Refusing to forgive is a self inflicted injury (to YOU). Holding onto anger b/c you think it punishes her in some way, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in her eyes.

Forgiving means letting go of pain that will otherwise consume YOU.

I was in that place in 06 and I could not eat right or sleep well. I told everyone I met that my h was a jerk, in MLC and was leaving us for a JOB up north. I repeated myself, spiralled often into depression and fury, and looped around with the same unanswerable questions ("How can h do this? Why- WHY? WHY is h doing this? When will H wake up and see how WRONG he is? And how RIGHT I am???) endlessly for MONTHS...

I wasn't fully present for my kids b/c I was preoccupied with my pain and wallowing in it, and they had already lost one parent emotionally & geographically, and it was hurting my job, I was taking meds to help sleep, etc.

I was so angry and SO NOT forgiving my h. I recall actually thinking he did not deserve forgiveness and that if I forgave him that would be wrong, b/c I was RIGHT to be mad and hurt...SO I recognize the wording you used as my own back then.... I just didn't get it. I somehow thought that letting go of all MY pain, would benefit HIM unfairly...maybe I didnt think that consciously but I sure acted like it...

But that was before I awakened to what forgiveness is really all about. I had not seen it growing up b/c my parents fought, dad would get louder/escalate, and then they'd retreat...til their next bout. Never saw forgiveness or an apology until he lay on his deathbed, filled with regret. Later on after his death, my mother was still angry b/c she wasn't sure his apology was really sincere and she wanted to still be angry...seriously...(and fwiw, his apology WAS sincere & profound). I learned what NOT to do from my mother back then. She has grown wiser now.

Please read up on forgiveness anywhere you can (I found Marianne Williamson's books "Handling Fear and Anger" and "Return to Love" helpful in her forgiveness section)

and Or talk to someone to see what I'm talking about. I cannot stress this enough. For me, a lot of growth occurred in this whole "ordeal" I call the "MLC Years"...but the two things of most importance (other than my faith) were realizing; 1) no matter what, I am in charge of my own happiness; and 2) how to forgive. That was the greatest gift I ever got.

Without that gift, I would still have my "grievance list" of things h had done that were wrong or unfair to me, and I'd still keep score in some form. And I'd still be unhappy. (I also learned that WASs have their own scorecards, and boy do they score things differently.The self serving bias is a two way street).

I learned that score cards are destructive & inaccurate! So I stopped keeping score. Learned to lose much of my anger and baggage b/c it was hindering my recovery & MY future. It sabotages recovery and loving Rs

Anyway, just had a strong reaction to your post and wanted to share this.

Good luck