After what? After After!

[25yearsmlc]

CS,

sorry about that. But the L is not saying marrying OM will happen.

We L's are just trained to be paranoid and think of worst case scenarios...(Denver proves that all the time... ;))

I think you are doing well and this isn't anything more than a reality check for both of you. I am interested in seeing if the death of her father pushes her & which way, or if she freezes up and stalls out.

You being the pillar that you are, will no doubt help you in the short and long run. I really think she's going to regret this within 18 months. But I don't know what she'll do with that regret. That's why you have to keep the road home, paved and smooth...

(not to be confused with doormat stuff, but you know that already).
Remember - be a man only a fool would leave.

Your behavior thru this past week, is exhibit A of what that looks like.
Well done.

[25yearsmlc]

Denver, that lawyer line was supposed to be a joke...


see??

[JustStunned]

CS, the fees seem about in line with what I am paying. At this stage I'm just about through the retainer and will have to find additional funds. I am the one trying to slow the pace, time is money, but it is only money.

My L also brought up W cohabing or marrying an OM. He did this to soften the blow of spousal support until I retire. I think he realized it was just another blow and did not soften anything.

Stay strong I'm getting through this and you will also.

[♪CS♪]

Thanks 25, I need it today.

I am interested in seeing if the death of her father pushes her & which way, or if she freezes up and stalls out.

I know, I keep thinking about the same thing. I contemplated not filing my response at all; just to see of she would even notice and how long it would take her to even remember what was going on. But, it seemed too risky. If/when she does notice, she could file notice of default and put me in a bad spot. Not worth it happening.

As you know, she will get a copy of my response, so she will be reminded of all of this. It is my plan, and the L agreed, to let her drive this whole process. So after this response is filed, I just wait to see when she gets me the schedule of assets and liabilities. I’m not going to even worry about it until I get hers. If/when I get it, I will prepare mine as well.

Then, under the same plan, I will leave it up to her to draft the actual divorce agreement. Again, if/when I receive that, I will have a L review it and go from there.

I guess one of the only positives that came out of my consultation this morning, is L said he has never seen a 6 month D. So even that timeline will most likely be extended.

But yeah, like you said, very interested to see how she moves now.

You being the pillar that you are, will no doubt help you in the short and long run. I really think she's going to regret this within 18 months. But I don't know what she'll do with that regret. That's why you have to keep the road home, paved and smooth...

Thank you for the kind words. I guess I still believe she will regret this someday too, but who knows. Maybe she is truly in love with this guy and they will live happily ever after...

I wish I could actually feel as good as I portray to her. I’ve hit a bit of a rough patch as to how I am actually feeling.

Before her dad’s death, our contact was limited to short TM’s and such about D. I didn’t think much about it, and I had gotten my focus on me, and what I was doing. I had gotten to a pretty good spot.

Then her dad dies. That got me extremely focused. I knew what I had to do. Be there for her, be kind, be supportive. Put everything else on hold. Not a lot of time to think about things one way or another. Just be good. That was my goal.

Now I find myself somewhat uncomfortable. Our contact has increased a lot, and we are as “close” as we have been since all of this has started. Don’t get me wrong, I see the positives in this, it’s just that it adds complications.

I find myself now thinking about everything WAY too much. I feel lapses in patience. When we are talking and friendly and I see and sense something, I get these urges of wanting things to just MOVE!

TELL ME YOU DON’T WANT A D. TELL ME YOU WANT TO WORK ON THE M. TELL ME YOU MADE A BIG MISTAKE. TELL ME!

Doing my best to deal with these feelings. They come in waves. Tonight for example, she is working and I will have D.

Before, if she asked for a pic, I would send it to her. But I would not have initiated it. Since FIL’s passing, I have just sent them, knowing it would be nice for her, and she has always been VERY appreciative of it.

But do I keep doing it? Indefinitely? Or should I start waiting for her to ask again? She has started to initiate casual conversation non D related. Should I start doing the same, or just continue to wait for her to initiate this?

I guess what it comes down to, is I am confused again as to my action plan. Things have changed (or have they?) and I need to get to a spot again that is comfortable for me.

[Denver_2010]

Denver, that lawyer line was supposed to be a joke...


see??

Yes! I got it. But it IS true!

BITS
Denver

[Denver_2010]

It is my plan, and the L agreed, to let her drive this whole process.

Great plan CS. Let her do ALL of the work. But I wouldn't suggest doing anything that makes it difficult for her or that is obviously an attempt to stall. That would be pretty transparent and would likely backfire.

Maybe she is truly in love with this guy and they will live happily ever after...

Not likely CS. The statistics on A's turning into successful R's and M's do not tend to favor that happening.

Now I find myself somewhat uncomfortable. Our contact has increased a lot, and we are as “close” as we have been since all of this has started. Don’t get me wrong, I see the positives in this, it’s just that it adds complications.

I know that you are up on my sitch and how miserable I am with it now. But even with that CS, I know that the past 3 months of being closer to my W, EVEN with the complications that it has created, have been positive to my overall situation.

You need to take advantage of this time of 'closeness' to show her the new you. Be consistent. Don't pressure. And don't make the mistake that I did of being TOO available.

It is a very difficult tight rope to walk indeed.

I find myself now thinking about everything WAY too much. I feel lapses in patience. When we are talking and friendly and I see and sense something, I get these urges of wanting things to just MOVE!

TELL ME YOU DON’T WANT A D. TELL ME YOU WANT TO WORK ON THE M. TELL ME YOU MADE A BIG MISTAKE. TELL ME!

TELL YOU SOMETHING... right?? I know EXACTLY how you feel man. This is, by far, much more difficult than the stage of DB where you have very little contact with the WAS.

It's much easier to have patience when you can settle into a routine of having little to no contact with the WAS. Not easy... just easier. But when you start to see positive signs that things are improving? Much, much more difficult.

I think that if I could do it over, no, I know if I could do it over... I would have continued to play my cards close to the vest. And I would have tried harder to keep my hopes and expectations down.

See, it is very easy to begin to believe that the hard part is over when you become convinced that your W is going to come back, and that it is just a matter of time.

When you being to think that the hard part is over... you begin to lapse on the DB stuff and become much more susceptible to doing things, such as pressuring and over pursuing.

As hard as it is... continue to be patient and give this the time that it needs. That is what is slowly being knocked through to my brain through my thick skull.

But do I keep doing it? Indefinitely? Or should I start waiting for her to ask again? She has started to initiate casual conversation non D related. Should I start doing the same, or just continue to wait for her to initiate this?

My suggestion? Come up with a plan. Send her the pics 50% of the time without being asked... wait for her to ask again the other 50%. Initiate casual conversation that in non D related 66% of the time... wait for her to do it the other 33%.

My percentages are just examples... the point is, come up with a plan on how to do it so that you are no longer lost. So that you have an action plan.

Remember man... IMO, this is WAR... and you have to have a battle plan... a strategy of where your troops are and where & when to move them laid out on the big map of your situation...

Trust me, I have been lost with this over the past several weeks too... but it IS how I approached things when I first started this and when I was where you are now.

I guess what it comes down to, is I am confused again as to my action plan. Things have changed (or have they?)

Trust your gut and instinct on whether or not things have changed. I could tell you within a few days of when I started to sense that things were changing for the better with my situation... and this was later confirmed by my W.

Unfortunately, I can also tell you within a few days of when things started to change for the worse again from what my instinct told me.

Trust it.

BITS
Denver

[ninelives]

Sorry to hear you going through this Country. You are driving yourself nuts trying to read every thought. I know, we all do that but I think its counterproductive and only drains your energy.

Im really trying to just let things happen with NO expectations. Of course your Sitch has changed but I dontl believe she is going to make any decisions right now. She delay the D proceedings or she may carry on.

All Im saying Country is what was working for you was being semi detached and being there for her. And you have to continue that.

I made so many mistakes when my W's mom died in March. I let the anxiety get the better of me and screwed things up. I got upset when she said OM was such a comfort to her.

I dont see that from your thread, Just be there for her and put EVERYTHING else on the back burner. She does need you right now and even if you dont R, you can hold your head high and know you were a great comfort when she needed you most.

Hang in there Buddy.

9

[islander]

Just checking in country. I have still been following what goin on with you, just don't have any advice lately

[♪CS♪]

My suggestion? Come up with a plan. Send her the pics 50% of the time without being asked... wait for her to ask again the other 50%. Initiate casual conversation that in non D related 66% of the time... wait for her to do it the other 33%.

I think this is exactly what I need to do, the tough part is actually coming up with the right plan. I took some time to step back from everything last night. After thinking about it, things may have changed some, but nothing drastic. So, I don’t think I should do anything drastic either.

Part of me thinks it might be time to take a chance, maybe ask her if she would like to do something with D and I together. Just don’t know if it is the right time for it.

I think I decided to just keep things slow for now, and monitor everything for a bit longer.

For example, last night I did end up sending a pic of D. She always responds with such excitement, to a point where it comes off as she is trying to hard. She responded “No Way! How cute!” I just replied with a as to not initiate any follow up conversation. Don’t want to push.

Trust your gut and instinct on whether or not things have changed. I could tell you within a few days of when I started to sense that things were changing for the better with my situation... and this was later confirmed by my W.

I worry my guts are full of sh!t!

Question: How did you respond to it? Did you initiate the first time together or did she?

All Im saying Country is what was working for you was being semi detached and being there for her. And you have to continue that.

That’s pretty much where I ended up after thinking more about it all last night. No rash moves. I feel like at some point, I need to pull back a bit and work in the “mystery” again. Just not sure how much time after FIL’s passing I should wait. Right now, I feel like I just need to be there with no games at all.

Islander, thanks for checking in man.

[Denver_2010]

Question: How did you respond to it? Did you initiate the first time together or did she?

I just took a chance man. That is it. If I remember correctly, I think that I asked W if she wanted to take SS to movie with me. She agreed. A week or so later I invited them to do something else. You can look at my thread from January 15 or so through Feb 10 or so. That's when all of that occurred.

BITS
Denver