He has left me AGAIN!

[25yearsmlc]

So what I am gathering is that I need to stand up for my rights and have the courage

Yes STOP there...that's all fine...

to tell him to get out of my life (nicely of course).Tell him to get his stuff out and to move on with out me.

I am NOT telling you what to say. Just Trying to get you to say whatever it is, from a place of strength & clarity, and NOT fear & confusion. We cannot make the choices for you. See the difference?

If he says he wants a seperation or Divorce - I will say "I think it is for the best.I have been a fool to tolerate as much as I have. I am working on getting myself healthy. I will miss you and God Bless".

What's with all this worry about what he might say? He might say the sky is purple and that he's from Mars. If it's about divorce, Why not simply accept what he says, like saying, "ok".

There's no need for the anger and blame. Simply accept his intentions as just that; his intentions. Who knows whether he'll really file, or even recall what he said he'd do? As for what your plans are for getting healthy, all I can say is "less talk, more walk". IOW, just do it. Don't talk about it. You have talked and talked but repeatedly taken him back. Your words are not what he's paying attention to, if anything you do is. So don't talk about how you are going to get healthy. Just do it.


I have no idea what his ?'s will be.

Neither do we. Are you even sure he still wants to meet?

If he were to ask me if I wanted to attend MC, what should I say (I know that is probably not one of his ?'s - but who knows with him being so wishy washy about the D text).... Should I accept or refuse it if he does ask that? I would want to Accept (but not sure cuz the alcohol).

You are borrowing trouble from tomorrow when you have enough on your plate now. First, if you two meet at all, just LISTEN TO HIM, and don't feel compelled to have any answers in reply. Plus, is going to MC really a question you expect him to ask?? Really? How many times has he asked YOU to go to c with him before? Ever?

If he does, then what harm could come of it? But no, I do not expect that to come up at all. Sorry. As for other questions, you LISTEN AND LISTEN AND DO NOT TALK MUCH. IF, AND I MEAN IF, he has a lot of plans or questions for you, tell him you need time to think them over. Decide nothing unless you are sure. But Tipper, I think you are imagining scenarios that are unlikely.


About the IC thing,I am absolutely broke, I cant afford a counselor, I tried two in the past when this happened before and neither seemed to really help me.


Then why are you worried that your h would be able to afford a mc for you two? See, you worry about what to say if HE suggests counselling and in the next breath you say theres no money for counselling. See my point? You can't have both those problems...Don't make this more complicted then it is.

Second, It's tough to be helped by c's if you don't do what the c's suggest. If both c's you "tried", didn't help you, then we have to wonder if you took their advice.

I don't think you were ready to change. I think you wanted them to tell you how to make HIM change, and you are not the first person to mistakenly believe that the purpose of counselling is changing your partner. But it's not.

The purpose of counselling is self discovery AND changing oneself. Yes, YOU have to change in c. Not your h. NO one can change him.

My father was a night time only drinker, who functioned well at work and achieved success There, but failure at home.

Only when he was on his death bed did he get sober. (I thank God for those weeks). He was a brilliant man with 3 advanced degrees, and yet...he did not stop drinking until it was literally a matter of life and death. I know that arguing or wording things "just right" does NOT make any difference to them. Choosing not to drink, is 100% ALL up to them. Period. He did get sober a few times as I was growing up, but then he never developed other coping tools for stress (he had a VERY stressful job, which he could not discuss) so when the chips were down, he'd revert to what he knew.
Sometimes I think if my mother had left him, he might well have stopped drinking, and it literally might have saved his life. So much damage...

But I just dont have that option right now, as I am struggeling to pay my bills. I am waiting on hiring my L (the one I used last time and she is cut throat), till I get served- also due to my lack of funds.

What are you doing to earn money? What if he does not serve you or file? Are you simply planning your life around what he MIGHT do?

I see how alanon has helped so many people, and I am going to 3-4 meetings a week. I am seeing that I am happy when I am doing my GAL activities, so I will stick with them. I am reading codependent no more and its helping gain perspective of reality and my self esteem is going to take time to get back. The career thing... I dont know what to say... but there are absolutly no good jobs here in NY especially for teaching... so I have been looking into the postal service and applied two days ago there. Let's not get too fatalistic with the "NO JOBS HERE" and the 'stinkin' thinkin'. Keep applying and see if you can "Create" a job with your skill set. Tutoring? One day seminars for kids taking the SATs? Or move to where there are jobs. What's keeping you in that area anyhow? I mean, other than a man. Texas is hiring.

I know I am a mess, Please dont think I am crazy. I have had a lot of emotions posted on this site.

I do not think you are crazy. I think your R has been. Not the same thing.

Because this is the place I feel safe to do it. I am trying my hardest to work on myself and to get better. THis is all so fresh and new again to me, after working on piecing things in our M for 3 years, I just couldnt believe that it happened again.

Even though I don't know what is "fresh and new" in this, or what you did in "Piecing", I am a big believer in "Better late than never"...

I have also read, Mr. Dobson's "love must be tough". He recommends to stand up for yourself and not to cower to them also. He says, not to cry and beg them to return but rather to agree with them when they say they want to leave or threaten a Divorce - becuase it will be healthier for me.

No one thinks the behavior you just desribed is advisable to anyone in any situation. Agreeing with them b/c it helps you --well yes but it also stops them from defending their choices and cementing their decisions. Usually it is a 180 too.

I am scared, frusterated, and confused... and I feel that is normal for the LBS...I am going though a lot here...We have been together since H.S. and I know I have never wanted any other man. That is what scares me, I guess. I can and will have to get over that.

You'll be faced with 2 options. Move forward or stay stuck. It'll always be your choice. It is NOT easy, but nor is it Complicated. Sometimes simple things are hard. This is one of those times.

But you are over complicating some of this. You don't need to do that. Like worrying about what to say IF your h asks you to go to mc. In the next breath you say you have no money for IC...so, if he has no money and you have no money for any c, then the whole issue is moot, right? See, there is one example of you making it more complicated than it has to be. (OF course, if you guys can get to a c, GO!)

This is just going to take me some time, and lots of effort. Dont give up on me, I will get there. I guess what I have lacked in the past is courage.

IMO, this is absolutely true. Glad you see this. It's not an easy admission to make but it is a brave one, and a smart one. Keep it up. Bravely looking inward, for that is where the real journey is.

I need to find the c[b]ourage to accept that I cant change him,[/b] So I need to let him go completely in order to get to a healthy place. I do know that would be for my best...If I could just find that courage somehow. I am praying for it.
TIPPER

SERENITY PRAYER:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

You don't need the "Courage to accept that you cannot change him", you need wisdom to know you can't and serenity to accept this. The courage you need is for changing you, (which is the only thing you can change).

Courage is not hiding from you & it doesn't land on you suddenly. Usually it's related to faith and self esteem.

Do you have faith/ trust in your higher power to protect your heart?

Do you genuinely believe you deserve happiness?

When the answer to both of those questions is "YES!", you will be on your way to a healthier, happier life.

Learn from this and change yourself. Let him go. (You never really "had" him anyhow. Your "influence and control" over him was always an illusion you allowed yourself. Now, you don't have to carry that around anymore.)
The thing we fear the most in life, if we allow it to go unchecked for long, often leads us to behavior that actually creates the circumstances that bring about our fears. Like people who won't confront a problem b/c they fear it'll rock the boat. So the problem festers and seethes, and explodes and...the boat gets rocked and maybe sunk...all b/c they were too afraid to manage the problem, when it was still smaller and manageable.

I suggest you say the Serenity prayer at least hourly, B/C Where the head goes, the heart, eventually, follows. That means that once you say it often enough, you come to believe it in your head, and then to feel it in your heart, and then to live it. Then it is TRUE.

Good luck