I just got off the phone from a conversation with a woman who has been best friends with STBX and I for about 15 years. She sees everything I finally see today. STBX had a plan for years (as many as 8-10) and worked it masterfully. There is a reason I was on this site for 6 years without ever achieving true success. STBX wanted it that way.
I feel foolish and very used, but I also know that I was blissfully unaware of many years and enjoyed my life. I also know that it was best for our kids to have their mom and dad together for those years. The good news is that I FINALLY have the understanding I have been missing and now can FINALLY have some form of closure and can get on with the second half of my life.
Today is literally the biggest day of my life. It's a painful one, yet a liberating one at the same time. So much weight has been lifted off my soul. I have no idea why I just got it today, but I am so happy it didn't take even longer.
Right now, all I feel for STBX is pure hate. The good thing is that I know that hate will fade over time, just like the love in all our marriages did.
Today I finally went to the bank and opened a new account in order for me to close the joint account for STBX and I. I have been using that account the whole time we have been separated. Since I expect things to start getting ugly very soon, I now need to make all the required moves to protect myself. In the very near future, I am going to make D19 the beneficiary of my life insurance policy. I know I wouldn't be around to see it, but I would hate to have STBX and OM living the high life on my insurance money.
I am still so angry that I allowed myself to be fooled for almost 10 years, before I became fully aware of STBX's plan for her life and that I almost let her destroy me in the process. I will likely need to be angry for sometime before moving to the next stage. At least being angry is better than missing her.
Be careful with the anger; could lead to "bittersville." You may want to think about a scheduled date to stop feeling angry. This is for you and your peace and happiness.
Like 25 says, don't let someone else dictate your level of happiness and I might add ruin your good moods.
And as MWD says forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. But you define what that means for you.
You'll be in our prayers, Pickle
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I think the anger is good right now. But, I know it's not good to feel for a long time. I will make her b'day June 23 my let go of anger target date. A month of anger seems reasonable for 10 years of deception. I had planned to wish her a happy b'day etc, but now I am going to simply let the day pass with no recognition from me. Since we met 23 years ago on her b'day it seems like a great day to make about letting go my anger and not about wishing her well.
I will forgive her for some things some day, but right now I am not sure I will ever forgive her completely. Maybe some day I will think she deserves forgiveness, but I just don't feel that way right now.
I can however, forgive myself now. There was truly nothing I could do to stop her from reaching her ultimate goal of life with OM. I admire her dedication to that 8-10 year plan, but at the same time finally realize just how dedicated she really was. Nothing was going to stop her.
Don't know how your "anger is good" right now, unless you think the only alternative is grief and depression. I know anger is not attractive to WASs & doesn't draw them back to us, & usually just validates their justifications for leaving in the first place.
But what I really wanted to tell you is that forgiveness is not about her. It's about setting yourself free.
Some LBSers think that their measure of success in life now, is related to the misery of the WAS, but it's completely unrelated. My sister used to hope her ex h would lose all his money and get gray hair, etc Aside from What kind of role model was she being for her kid's, she forgot to make her own life a good one. She spent way too much time on wondering about HIS misery. The success of the LBSer is determined not by the misery index of their WAS's but by the happiness the LBSer creates in their new life. (Also it happens to be way more attractive to a WAS IF a recon is still a goal. No one misses a depressed clingly person, like they miss a happy upbeat "good catch")
FORGIVENESS....It Does Not matter if she "Deserves" it (which you may never really believe anyhow). She doesn't have to know about it!
Refusing to forgive is a self inflicted injury (to YOU). Holding onto anger b/c you think it punishes her in some way, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in her eyes.
Forgiving means letting go of pain that will otherwise consumeYOU.
I was in that place in 06 and I could not eat right or sleep well. I told everyone I met that my h was a jerk, in MLC and was leaving us for a JOB up north. I repeated myself, spiralled often into depression and fury, and looped around with the same unanswerable questions ("How can h do this? Why- WHY? WHY is h doing this? When will H wake up and see how WRONG he is? And how RIGHT I am???) endlessly for MONTHS...
I wasn't fully present for my kids b/c I was preoccupied with my pain and wallowing in it, and they had already lost one parent emotionally & geographically, and it was hurting my job, I was taking meds to help sleep, etc.
I was so angry and SO NOT forgiving my h. I recall actually thinking he did not deserve forgiveness and that if I forgave him that would be wrong, b/c I was RIGHT to be mad and hurt...SO I recognize the wording you used as my own back then.... I just didn't get it. I somehow thought that letting go of all MY pain, would benefit HIM unfairly...maybe I didnt think that consciously but I sure acted like it...
But that was before I awakened to what forgiveness is really all about. I had not seen it growing up b/c my parents fought, dad would get louder/escalate, and then they'd retreat...til their next bout. Never saw forgiveness or an apology until he lay on his deathbed, filled with regret. Later on after his death, my mother was still angry b/c she wasn't sure his apology was really sincere and she wanted to still be angry...seriously...(and fwiw, his apology WAS sincere & profound). I learned what NOT to do from my mother back then. She has grown wiser now. Please read up on forgiveness anywhere you can (I found Marianne Williamson's books "Handling Fear and Anger" and "Return to Love" helpful in her forgiveness section)
and Or talk to someone to see what I'm talking about. I cannot stress this enough. For me, a lot of growth occurred in this whole "ordeal" I call the "MLC Years"...but the two things of most importance (other than my faith) were realizing; 1) no matter what, I am in charge of my own happiness; and 2) how to forgive. That was the greatest gift I ever got.
Without that gift, I would still have my "grievance list" of things h had done that were wrong or unfair to me, and I'd still keep score in some form. And I'd still be unhappy. (I also learned that WASs have their own scorecards, and boy do they score things differently.The self serving bias is a two way street).
I learned that score cards are destructive & inaccurate! So I stopped keeping score. Learned to lose much of my anger and baggage b/c it was hindering my recovery & MY future. It sabotages recovery and loving Rs
Anyway, just had a strong reaction to your post and wanted to share this.
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
We've all been there. Others try to warn us, but we love our wives and we have blinders on. I did see where others tried to warn you -- repeatedly -- on your old threads, but that's water over the dam now.
As an old friend of mine once said, "If you're not ready, you're not ready . . . and then you are." [b] Wayward men are typically less organized in their plans. Usually, by the time a wife walks away -- whether or not there's infidelity involved -- they've been emotionally checked out from the marriage, and actively planning their exit from it, for months or even YEARS. It's why they are typically harder to draw back.[/b]
Starsky
As a L, the complete opposite has been my experience financially speaking. Men are statistically far more financially prepared and usually have money set aside. Few women do that. Emotionally? I don't have empirical research that suggests either way. But then, do you? No. What I really want to say is simply
Don't let your w's behavior color your views of all women, please.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks 25. I am going to read that over a couple times and let it really sink in. I do want to forgive some day, just not right now. As for the scorecards thing, I gotta admit that I have been doing just that. I even think what her life will be like compared to mine in 10 years etc.
I am finally able to do something about my happiness, now that I have closure. I have no intention at all of ever reconciling, so really don't care how STBX sees me. I could walk on water, cure cancer, eradicate world hunger and ensure world peace, and she still wouldn't see me as a good man or the man for her.
That's ok though, because I know I am a much better man today than I have ever been and I feel more free today than I have in many, many years.
I've been thinking lately about all the signs that STBX and her boss were having more than an EA for years. It's almost like I blocked them out in order to be blissfully unaware and somewhat happy. But now, every time I miss STBX, I remember all those things and almost instantly the sadness goes away.
I did well on the GAL thing this week. I went to that b'day party Monday night, had beers with some fellow car guys (I am Sales Manager at a dealership) Thursday night and tomorrow night I am having dinner with the couple who STBX and I have been friends with for years. I have also been working out regularly and finally made some progress on closing the joint bank account I have been using since STBX moved out. I've been dark for 4 days and really feel no need to contact STBX.
For the first time since we separated 1 1/2 years ago, I feel like our lives are separate. I still find myself keeping scorecards and wondering what she's doing now and then, but not nearly as much as even a few days ago. I hope this trend continues.
Talking with friends tonight while at their house for dinner and I was informed that in February STBX told them she and OM/boss were going to buy a house. Apparently he dismissed her comment. Still, it's interesting that she asked be to buy her out of our home at that time. Nothing surprises me anymore, but I still find some things a little odd.
My focus is now on planning for each possible next step in order to protect myself and the kids. Other than that, I continue to feel more detached than ever and that's a very good thing.
It's a long weekend here in Canada. I had to work today, but have 2 days off in a row which is very rare for me. I am going to spend those days working on my lawn, yard and house. That may not be a lot of fun, but things are looking a little rough and I like the sense of accomplishment. Hopefully, the kids and I still have this house for a little over a year. I need to keep it well maintained to keep re-sale value high.
Every now and then I still miss STBX, but as soon as I feel that I remember that she has been in love with another man for years and is now finally living her dream. Then....the missing dies quickly.
I've been thinking a lot about the definite possibility that STBX planned virtually every step to leave our family in order to wind up with OM/her boss. It seems to be the only thing that really makes sense. It makes me feel even more betrayed and disrespected. She literally put a 9 year plan in place that would allow her to leave her family etc and somehow come out smelling like a rose - at least with our kids. I suppose, in some ways that's a good thing. The less they know, the better off they will be in the future. This is a little weird, but I also give her some credit for waiting all those years to achieve her dream, and only left when she felt the kids were at an age where it would ok.
The more I understand about how and why things happened, the more closure I get and the easier it makes to move forward. I still have moments of sadness and "what if"s, since I know we could have had a beautiful life time together, but I also know that would have never been possible with her heart and soul with OM.
It's been one heck of a 6 year ride since I first posted here, but there were lots of good days in those years and there will be lots more in the second half of my life. I would love to find someone to share that life with and would love to have someone treat me like someone very special to them.
