Let me just say that for me, it's "baby steps." I'm (re)learning to be assertive, but not overbearing. Stating clearly my wants and needs, without denying the wants or needs of others. Because in the end, "for the better good" (of others, or "the whole"), what I want or need is irrelevant.
In this case, what I want or need regarding the kids is irrelevant to the NEEDS of the children. My own personal interpretation of the developmental needs of the kids is my own and others could interpret it other ways. If the kids' needs are best met by seeing me every second weekend only, then that is what I want. I do not WANT to have them 50% of the time if that is not what is best for them.
I understand your view on the wording of my email. It may have appeared overt. That was not my intention. I was trying to be clear and concise and obviously that can appear to be seen as challenging my W's opinion. I really want to get confirmation of what she believes is in the best interest of the children. In the same way that I disagreed with my dad, but respected his opinion and input and was happy to have a fresh insight.
I could have worded my email differently and will continue to work on that. I need to be able to see what I'm saying from a different perspective. In this case, from the perspective of my audience.
As far as telling my W my feelings... Seriously... I did that 10 months ago, 6 months ago, 3 months ago... that didn't get me anywhere. I stopped doing what wasn't working. My feelings are irrelevant to her. My wants are irrelevant to her. Understand, I'm not looking for the sympathy vote here. I am stating fact. In the sense that:
Fact - I told my W I wanted to spend time with the family last year. My W stated in no uncertain terms that if I attempted to spend time with them, they would do something else so that I could not.
Fact - I told my W that I did not want to separate. My W did not ask me to move back in and work things out.
Fact - I indicated that I felt the kids and myself needed counseling. My W stated that the kids are resilient do not need counseling.
Fact - My W set up and attended three MC sessions with me. On the third session, my W admitted that she was not attending to work on the M.
Fact - I indicated that I wanted to spend more time with the children. Assertively / aggressively in some instances. To which my W indicated that if I attempted to have more time with the kids through S and D, she would see me in court.
If I remove all my emotions out of the equations, the above are the facts. My wants are irrelevant. All of the above pressuring me into wanting D. Wanting to just get on with my life and hopefully seeing my kids from time to time. Being grateful that my W lets me see the kids as often as possible, never mind at all. (Yes... there is a bit of emotion in there... but it's not hate... I don't feel hate towards her any more...)
As far as showing insight into my W, that is a double edged sword. If I answer what I believe, then I am told that I am trying to read her mind. Read meaning into something where there might not be. What appears to be truth or fact is, the moment I believe I have some understanding of what my W wants from me, the target moves (intentionally or unintentionally? I do not know. Not for me to guess at.) The proper thing to do is make no assumptions. Assume no evil (from the perspective of my wife) which I am good at and still working to be better at. And at the same time assuming no good will, either.
I cannot afford to be naive. Being naive lead to me potentially walking away from everything that I had given myself wholly to, to the best of my ability at the time. Family, financial security (assumed shared, as I was stay at home parent for the most, while all earning profit went right back into the household), my assumed future... etc...
Having said that, I could understand the question is "why would my W believe that sharing the kids more with me is in their best interest as I have her (my W's) interests at the foreground."
I honestly cannot answer that question. I do not have any clarity of what she wants. I do not understand what she wants. At least, no deeper than what she has said to me and what she has shown me. I could guess... I don't want to, anymore... that has not served me well in the past.
The best answer to that, the best answer period is, I can only be the best dad possible with the kids, during the time that I have them.
I need to go now, but will review your post above and any further posts when I get back.
