I spent yesterday thinking about how I would proceed. By the evening, I had concluded that I was going to get a court order. Not something I wanted to do, but for the kids (for me) something that obviously needed to happen.
In the mean time, my dad had a visit with me in the evening and I told him my intentions. He went through a list of reasons why he felt that in my position (physical and financial) it would be an impossible road to travel (50% custody). It was a good conversation in all fairness. I did not agree with him, but I listened to another perspective.
Here's the reason why I sent the response to my W:
My M troubles, not withstanding other external influences, boils down to struggle for control. And I've been told numerous times that I cannot control her. I KNOW I cannot control her. Even my response could be seen as a passive / aggressive attempt to control her. Going to the courts is an attempt to control her. Doing NOTHING is an attempt to control her.
At least... that is the case if what I do is tagged with expectations that she will see things "my way". Honestly? I do not care if she sees things my way.
My feelings throughout the past 373 days has been that my W is trying to control ME. I am done with that. I have been done with that for the past five months and have been spent trying to gain control back in MY life. The things that I CAN control.
My W has stated many times how I'm "spying" on her. That how she lives her life, spends her money, people she sees, is none of my business. ie. That I cannot control her. In the mean time, my W has asked me numerous questions over the months and year that are information gathering or commented on externally gathered information. My W's actions have been controlling in many ways, too numerous to mention in this post. And it appears that the last resort for my W is to push my buttons and attempt to "gain" from me is by using access to the kids. To which, in the past, I have always reacted in some way, shape, or form. Something I will no longer do.
So again, my response to my W is to ask one more time, if she feels that is the best for the kids (my reduced time with the kids). Adding that if she felt that was the best for the kids, then "I would do what she wanted", was actually wrong. I should have just left it as asking her if she truly felt that was the best for the kids. Regardless, it was sent and I'm entitled to change my mind.
I woke up this morning with a renewed resolve to do what's best for the kids. This is not about "what I want". This is about what's right for the kids. 15% access is NOT right for the kids.
Kid focus means the entire conversation MUST be made from the perspective of the kids:
"I calculated that this reduces MY KIDS ACCESS to their father by half"
"understand why this isnt' alright for THEM"
"flexible, but our kids NEED more time with their dad"
I need to get going to work soon so don't have time to work through this right now. What I will likely do before I leave is send another email to my W asking again if she feels this is best for the kids.
What I can do over the rest of this week is to investigate and set in motion a court order for more appropriate access for the kids, within reason to our current living arrangements and availability.
