Thanks all, I am now on ch. 6 of "co-dependent no more" and I can tell it is going to help me allready. I need to face reality, and accept the fact that I may end up D'd. I need to not let my Rel. or my H be what makes me happy, I need to make myself happy!
Thanks for all the advice about the Lawyer, paperwork, & D. I dont think he has done anything yet to file, as he said he would wait, but you never know with my H.
He text his sister yesterday to ask her if she would manage a bar for him if he bought one...Total crazy talk, He doesnt have the money or lines of credit to do such a thing, or even a liquor licsence for that fact.
My H and I have no kids. Just 2 cats, 1 dog, and a gold fish. I love pets. Each of our Vehicles are both in just our own names. He pays my cell phone bill as its part of a business plan.
The house is in my name (as it was my grandmothers, and when she passed I bought it from my parents with a home equity loan). The garage is very big and attatched to the house, he is still using it for now due to his construction equiptment.
So I dont really think we have any assets to split. However, last time when we were legally seperated he tried to get half of my teachers retirement fund. Currently, he also has a retirement (fidelity) fund which he did not have during the past seperation.
I have been laid off from teaching since then and currently am on unemployment sending out three applications a week - only to always hear - "Sorry we have no openings". Its a drag.
I am very nervous about our up-and-coming talk. I am scared to say or do the the wrong things when he is here - (I know its my codependent feelings). I agree my list was too long/wordy. I will just try to listen to his thoughts and questions, and say "i am sorry you feel that way".
What is it you meant by doing an Action? I read today that co-dependents such as myself often over-react and under-react, and rarely Act. How am I too act??? Or what am I to act on???
Are you referring to putting my foot down and asking him to leave me be and get his crap out. This would be a different action on my part since in the past, I was always so sweet to him and polyanna like and always tried and be upbeat and peppy when he would come and visit back in '07-'08 during the other times he left.
Or are you suggesting that I just dont cry to his threats of a D and rather Act as if that is what I want too. I dont really want a D, I just want him to want to get sober. I know I cant say that anymore to him though.
I guess that I dont know what kind of action to take yet. Any advise would be great on this matter. Thanks, TIPPER P.S. I got my first 500 series in bowling tonight ever. I bowled a 152, 190, & a 167 making a 509 series total. I was so happy. I have been working on that for ten years now since I started with a 67 average -I am pretty proud. Yeah! And I won the fifty fifty drawing. Kind of weird -since the 1st time My H left - I won $400 on a super bowl board, the 2nd time my H left - I won a trip to florida/bahammas, and now this 3rd time he left I am staring to win stuff again. WEIRD!
Wow, you are all over the place. Here are some actual quotes of you...YOUR words follow.
MAY 14 Tonight, I went out to 80's themed party and had a blast. I did not cry when people asked where my H was, I told them the truth with strength and courage. I got hit on by about 3 guys and they gave me so many compliments, More than I have gotten from my H in the whole past year. It made me feel good, It made me feel like I do have a lot going for me, It built up my self esteem and confidence. It was a great night, and I didnt have a drop to drink, I laughed and had fun and felt a little more like the old tipper.
This is all really scary to me, because for the first time ever, I can really see myself wanting more than what my H could give. I can finally see how Michelle W.D. says in her books that it is usually up to the LBS to decide on whether or not they want the MLCer back. Currently - I DONT!!!! TIPPER
YESTERDAY
Oh NO, H text me last night. He said He is going to file the papers and to not waist the money on an attourney, our M is dead and that He loves me as a friend. I didnt respond. I cryed histerically. …….. Then he text on accident (probably becuase he was drunk) to a friend saying "there a police song called king of pain, lols buddy - we will be ok". I didnt understand that text,so I think it was meant for someone else.
Then today he asked if he could come ask me some questions. I said, I am very busy today and I am not ready to talk yet and maybe try again in a few weeks.
I dont know what to do. I dont want a D, but I dont want to live the way I was either. I am so confused.
Why is he jumping the gun so fast this time. He just really must not love me at all. I am a freaking mess. All this after having the best year of our lives together in 2009 piecing our M back together. What should I do. I need advise Please. TIPPER
Today
Or are you suggesting that I just dont cry to his threats of a D and rather Act as if that is what I want too. I dont really want a D, I just want him to want to get sober. I know I cant say that anymore to him though.
Tipper, you have issues. And so does he. Your m sounds toxic. The second he senses you getting the tiniest scrap of self esteem, he reels you back in and back in, you go. Then if there's a (God forbid) shred of an expectation from you, which you seem prone to having of him regardless of how unrealistic they are, he pulls back AND you fall apart, again. You two dance quite well in the "WTH Crazy" dance of life. What "talk" are you so terrified of? What's to discuss? You own the house, and so are you going to argue about cats? The legal matters will take 2 hours of a consult and that will empower you. In all this time, have you even seen a L? Why not?
I think life is shorter than you realize. And you've been in a sad, strange, needy, unhealthy R for a long long long time.
I can't say that you are ready to be healthy. I just don't know. My dad was a highly functioning alcoholic so I've seen dependent, "OH NO, I"M STUCK!" behavior before...for decades.
You say words that alarm me and "crying hysterically" one day after realizing what bad news he is, is disconcerting to say the least. (SIGH) Tipper, please, get some help and get some strength b/c you are flailing here.
I think you are so used to the drama of it all, or something, seems the SECOND he wants out, or just expresses doubt, you cower. Even when he's a crazy manipulative drunk.
I don't think there are words from me that will make a REAL difference. You need more than a pep talk sweetie. The behavior of both of you, your interactions, are really out of whack.
Sorry.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wow, you are all over the place. Here are some actual quotes of you...YOUR words follow.
MAY 14 Tonight, I went out to 80's themed party and had a blast. I did not cry when people asked where my H was, I told them the truth with strength and courage. I got hit on by about 3 guys and they gave me so many compliments, More than I have gotten from my H in the whole past year. It made me feel good, It made me feel like I do have a lot going for me, It built up my self esteem and confidence. It was a great night, and I didnt have a drop to drink, I laughed and had fun and felt a little more like the old tipper.
This is all really scary to me, because for the first time ever, I can really see myself wanting more than what my H could give. I can finally see how Michelle W.D. says in her books that it is usually up to the LBS to decide on whether or not they want the MLCer back. Currently - I DONT!!!! TIPPER
YESTERDAY
Oh NO, H text me last night. He said He is going to file the papers and to not waist the money on an attourney, our M is dead and that He loves me as a friend. I didnt respond. I cryed histerically. …….. Then he text on accident (probably becuase he was drunk) to a friend saying "there a police song called king of pain, lols buddy - we will be ok". I didnt understand that text,so I think it was meant for someone else.
Then today he asked if he could come ask me some questions. I said, I am very busy today and I am not ready to talk yet and maybe try again in a few weeks.
I dont know what to do. I dont want a D, but I dont want to live the way I was either. I am so confused.
Why is he jumping the gun so fast this time. He just really must not love me at all. I am a freaking mess. All this after having the best year of our lives together in 2009 piecing our M back together. What should I do. I need advise Please. TIPPER
Today
Or are you suggesting that I just dont cry to his threats of a D and rather Act as if that is what I want too. I dont really want a D, I just want him to want to get sober. I know I cant say that anymore to him though.
Tipper, you have issues. And so does he. Your m sounds toxic. The second he senses you getting the tiniest scrap of self esteem, he reels you back in and back in, you go. Then if there's a (God forbid) shred of an expectation from you, which you seem prone to having of him regardless of how unrealistic they are, he pulls back AND you fall apart, again. You two dance quite well in the "WTH Crazy" dance of life. What "talk" are you so terrified of? What's to discuss? You own the house, and so, are you going to argue about cats? The legal matters will take 2 hours of a consult and that will empower you. In all this time, have you even seen a L? Why not? OH wait, I know what stopped you...fear. FEAR...so much fear.
I think life is shorter than you realize. And you've been in a sad, strange, needy, unhealthy R for a long long long time.
I can't say that you are ready to be healthy. I just don't know. My dad was a highly functioning alcoholic, so I've seen dependent, "OH NO, I"M STUCK! LOOK WHAT 'HAPPENED' LAST NIGHT...THAT HE DID TO ME" behavior before...for decades.
You say words that alarm me and "crying hysterically" one day after realizing what bad news he is, AND SAYING YOU DID NOT WANT TO BE M TO HIM, but now you are out of control, well, it is disconcerting to say the least. (SIGH) Tipper, please, get some help and get some strength b/c you are flailing here.
I think you are so used to the drama of it all, or something, seems the SECOND he wants out, or just expresses doubt, you cower. Even when he's a crazy manipulative drunk. It's a lot like high school when I wanted to break up with my bf. On my way to doing so, he stopped me in the hall and broke up with ME! My ego was bruised and I talked myself into thinking I had "Been dumped" and then I cried! My best friend had to remind me of what REALLY happened, and snap me out of my ego induced funk...
I don't think there are words from me that will make a REAL difference. You need more than a pep talk sweetie. Your interactions, are really out of whack. Hope you'll see that soon, and GAL and get healthy and go to Al Anon. YOu do realize that Al Anon work is not about HIM? I mean, wanting him to get sober is NOT YOUR GOAL, right? You getting well is the goal of Al Anon...you know that, right? It's not about fixing him...it's about living your life well.
Sorry- I can't fix him either
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
my second post is the one that somehow got edited. So, if you only read one, read the 2nd one.
And Tipper, pull back some. Read your posts as if someone else wrote them. What do you see? What would YOU tell that woman?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Good Morning Tipper, Hi my name is Cindy. I havent posted much but have followed several stichs on this board. Hi Punkin and no i havent started my own thread...yet
A little background...I'm 55.6 months old ( yes im counting ) Been with the same man for 40 years married 28 Was raised by an alcohlic father, married a workaholic / alcoholic and found alanon in 1996 ( while my hubby was in rehab ) No he is not sober. He is not a bar fly, but he is what i call my weekend warrior. Thats when he does his heaviest drinking. Self employeed...yep, He drives and operates heavy equipment, so he sets his own hours, and oh yeah and he is my boss ( or so HE thinks ) We actually do well working together.
I am so happy to see that you have joined Alanon, it literally was a life saver for me.
I cried for the first 3 months after I joined Alanon, finding it very hard to express myself, but the beauty of it was everyone knew what I had been going thru. Sorta the " been there done that " but LOOK here is a better way to live.. and with their patience the program showed me a different way of life. That I had choices, you always have choices....I learned forgiveness ( that was a big one for me ) and that it was for me, not the alcohlics in my life Forgiveness to my father who committed suicide when he was only 53..God i was sooo mad at him for years. Talk about angry.. Alanon taught me to put the focus on me, and how to take care of me..Do you see alot of ME's in here..lol
Alanon is for U , not to get your husband to change He wont until he wants to...that rock bottom U hear all the time that is for them to find NOT us
I read your post about him filing for the divorce..He had called late at night, of course drunk. Please, please dont fall into this trap...believe nothing that he says and probably wont remember.
After reading the wise posts to U from 25mlc and others, you have alot of help here. Please listen to them, esp about getting yourself some counceling. U are waviering ALL over the place.
Try to stay calm, breath, repeat the serenity prayer , what ever it takes to keep U focused on your goals...speaking of which from one of your earlier posts U had started a list of short term and long term goals...
1) Go to alanon 2) To be happy? 3) To improve your self esteem ? 4) To start a new career ?
Go a little deeper than this..just how do you plan to obtain these goals.
After reading your post to Irish, I can see that you are absorbing some of the information that is being offered to you. And its alot to take in. Now its not all about just words You have to take action, live the slogans, the steps, the advise u get here I know U can do!!
So what I am gathering is that I need to stand up for my rights and have the courage to tell him to get out of my life (nicely of course).Tell him to get his stuff out and to move on with out me.
If he says he wants a seperation or Divorce - I will say "I think it is for the best.I have been a fool to tolerate as much as I have. I am working on getting myself healthy. I will miss you and God Bless".
I have no idea what his ?'s will be. If he were to ask me if I wanted to attend MC, what should I say (I know that is probably not one of his ?'s - but who knows with him being so wishy washy about the D text).... Should I accept or refuse it if he does ask that? I would want to Accept (but not sure cuz the alcohol).
About the IC thing,I am absolutely broke, I cant afford a counselor, I tried two in the past when this happened before and neither seemed to really help me. But I just dont have that option right now, as I am struggeling to pay my bills. I am waiting on hiring my L (the one I used last time and she is cut throat), till I get served- also due to my lack of funds.
I see how alanon has helped so many people, and I am going to 3-4 meetings a week. I am seeing that I am happy when I am doing my GAL activities, so I will stick with them. I am reading codependent no more and its helping gain perspective of reality and my self esteem is going to take time to get back. The career thing... I dont know what to say... but there are absolutly no good jobs here in NY especially for teaching... so I have been looking into the postal service and applied two days ago there.
I know I am a mess, Please dont think I am crazy. I have had a lot of emotions posted on this site. Because this is the place I feel safe to do it. I am trying my hardest to work on myself and to get better. THis is all so fresh and new again to me, after working on piecing things in our M for 3 years, I just couldnt believe that it happened again.
I have also read, Mr. Dobson's "love must be tough". He recommends to stand up for yourself and not to cower to them also. He says, not to cry and beg them to return but rather to agree with them when they say they want to leave or threaten a Divorce - becuase it will be healthier for me.
I am scared, frusterated, and confused... and I feel that is normal for the LBS...I am going though a lot here...We have been together since H.S. and I know I have never wanted any other man. That is what scares me, I guess. I can and will have to get over that.
This is just going to take me some time, and lots of effort. Dont give up on me, I will get there. I guess what I have lacked in the past is courage. I need to find the courage to accept that I cant change him, So I need to let him go completely in order to get to a healthy place. I do know that would be for my best...If I could just find that courage somehow. I am praying for it. TIPPER
So what I am gathering is that I need to stand up for my rights and have the courage Yes STOP there...that's all fine...
to tell him to get out of my life (nicely of course).Tell him to get his stuff out and to move on with out me. I am NOT telling you what to say. Just Trying to get you to say whatever it is, from a place of strength & clarity, and NOT fear & confusion. We cannot make the choices for you. See the difference?
If he says he wants a seperation or Divorce - I will say "I think it is for the best.I have been a fool to tolerate as much as I have. I am working on getting myself healthy. I will miss you and God Bless".
What's with all this worry about what he might say? He might say the sky is purple and that he's from Mars. If it's about divorce, Why not simply accept what he says, like saying, "ok".
There's no need for the anger and blame. Simply accept his intentions as just that; his intentions. Who knows whether he'll really file, or even recall what he said he'd do? As for what your plans are for getting healthy, all I can say is "less talk, more walk". IOW, just do it. Don't talk about it. You have talked and talked but repeatedly taken him back. Your words are not what he's paying attention to, if anything you do is. So don't talk about how you are going to get healthy. Just do it.
I have no idea what his ?'s will be. Neither do we. Are you even sure he still wants to meet?
If he were to ask me if I wanted to attend MC, what should I say (I know that is probably not one of his ?'s - but who knows with him being so wishy washy about the D text).... Should I accept or refuse it if he does ask that? I would want to Accept (but not sure cuz the alcohol). You are borrowing trouble from tomorrow when you have enough on your plate now. First, if you two meet at all, just LISTEN TO HIM, and don't feel compelled to have any answers in reply. Plus, is going to MC really a question you expect him to ask?? Really? How many times has he asked YOU to go to c with him before? Ever?
If he does, then what harm could come of it? But no, I do not expect that to come up at all. Sorry. As for other questions, you LISTEN AND LISTEN AND DO NOT TALK MUCH. IF, AND I MEAN IF, he has a lot of plans or questions for you, tell him you need time to think them over. Decide nothing unless you are sure. But Tipper, I think you are imagining scenarios that are unlikely.
About the IC thing,I am absolutely broke, I cant afford a counselor, I tried two in the past when this happened before and neither seemed to really help me.
Then why are you worried that your h would be able to afford a mc for you two? See, you worry about what to say if HE suggests counselling and in the next breath you say theres no money for counselling. See my point? You can't have both those problems...Don't make this more complicted then it is.
Second, It's tough to be helped by c's if you don't do what the c's suggest. If both c's you "tried", didn't help you, then we have to wonder if you took their advice.
I don't think you were ready to change. I think you wanted them to tell you how to make HIM change, and you are not the first person to mistakenly believe that the purpose of counselling is changing your partner. But it's not.
The purpose of counselling is self discovery AND changing oneself. Yes, YOU have to change in c. Not your h. NO one can change him.
My father was a night time only drinker, who functioned well at work and achieved success There, but failure at home.
Only when he was on his death bed did he get sober. (I thank God for those weeks). He was a brilliant man with 3 advanced degrees, and yet...he did not stop drinking until it was literally a matter of life and death. I know that arguing or wording things "just right" does NOT make any difference to them. Choosing not to drink, is 100% ALL up to them. Period. He did get sober a few times as I was growing up, but then he never developed other coping tools for stress (he had a VERY stressful job, which he could not discuss) so when the chips were down, he'd revert to what he knew. Sometimes I think if my mother had left him, he might well have stopped drinking, and it literally might have saved his life. So much damage...
But I just dont have that option right now, as I am struggeling to pay my bills. I am waiting on hiring my L (the one I used last time and she is cut throat), till I get served- also due to my lack of funds. What are you doing to earn money? What if he does not serve you or file? Are you simply planning your life around what he MIGHT do?
I see how alanon has helped so many people, and I am going to 3-4 meetings a week. I am seeing that I am happy when I am doing my GAL activities, so I will stick with them. I am reading codependent no more and its helping gain perspective of reality and my self esteem is going to take time to get back. The career thing... I dont know what to say... but there are absolutly no good jobs here in NY especially for teaching... so I have been looking into the postal service and applied two days ago there.Let's not get too fatalistic with the "NO JOBS HERE" and the 'stinkin' thinkin'. Keep applying and see if you can "Create" a job with your skill set. Tutoring? One day seminars for kids taking the SATs? Or move to where there are jobs. What's keeping you in that area anyhow? I mean, other than a man. Texas is hiring.
I know I am a mess, Please dont think I am crazy. I have had a lot of emotions posted on this site. I do not think you are crazy. I think your R has been. Not the same thing.
Because this is the place I feel safe to do it. I am trying my hardest to work on myself and to get better. THis is all so fresh and new again to me, after working on piecing things in our M for 3 years, I just couldnt believe that it happened again. Even though I don't know what is "fresh and new" in this, or what you did in "Piecing", I am a big believer in "Better late than never"...
I have also read, Mr. Dobson's "love must be tough". He recommends to stand up for yourself and not to cower to them also. He says, not to cry and beg them to return but rather to agree with them when they say they want to leave or threaten a Divorce - becuase it will be healthier for me. No one thinks the behavior you just desribed is advisable to anyone in any situation. Agreeing with them b/c it helps you --well yes but it also stops them from defending their choices and cementing their decisions. Usually it is a 180 too.
I am scared, frusterated, and confused... and I feel that is normal for the LBS...I am going though a lot here...We have been together since H.S. and I know I have never wanted any other man. That is what scares me, I guess. I can and will have to get over that. You'll be faced with 2 options. Move forward or stay stuck. It'll always be your choice. It is NOT easy, but nor is it Complicated. Sometimes simple things are hard. This is one of those times.
But you are over complicating some of this. You don't need to do that. Like worrying about what to say IF your h asks you to go to mc. In the next breath you say you have no money for IC...so, if he has no money and you have no money for any c, then the whole issue is moot, right? See, there is one example of you making it more complicated than it has to be. (OF course, if you guys can get to a c, GO!)
This is just going to take me some time, and lots of effort. Dont give up on me, I will get there. I guess what I have lacked in the past is courage. IMO, this is absolutely true. Glad you see this. It's not an easy admission to make but it is a brave one, and a smart one. Keep it up. Bravely looking inward, for that is where the real journey is.
I need to find the c[b]ourage to accept that I cant change him,[/b] So I need to let him go completely in order to get to a healthy place. I do know that would be for my best...If I could just find that courage somehow. I am praying for it. TIPPER
SERENITY PRAYER: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
You don't need the "Courage to accept that you cannot change him", you need wisdom to know you can't and serenity to accept this. The courage you need is for changing you, (which is the only thing you can change).
Courage is not hiding from you & it doesn't land on you suddenly. Usually it's related to faith and self esteem.
Do you have faith/ trust in your higher power to protect your heart?
Do you genuinely believe you deserve happiness?
When the answer to both of those questions is "YES!", you will be on your way to a healthier, happier life. Learn from this and change yourself. Let him go. (You never really "had" him anyhow. Your "influence and control" over him was always an illusion you allowed yourself. Now, you don't have to carry that around anymore.) The thing we fear the most in life, if we allow it to go unchecked for long, often leads us to behavior that actually creates the circumstances that bring about our fears. Like people who won't confront a problem b/c they fear it'll rock the boat. So the problem festers and seethes, and explodes and...the boat gets rocked and maybe sunk...all b/c they were too afraid to manage the problem, when it was still smaller and manageable.
I suggest you say the Serenity prayer at least hourly, B/C Where the head goes, the heart, eventually, follows. That means that once you say it often enough, you come to believe it in your head, and then to feel it in your heart, and then to live it. Then it is TRUE.
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I went to alanon tonight and had a good meeting.I bought two more of the alanon books. I called one of the ladies from alanon on the phone before I went also and she helped me see that I actually set up a boundary by telling my H that I was not ready to talk yet on monday.
What I learned tonight: not to fret about the talk H and I will soon have. Fretting about it wont do me any good. Nothing I have done in the past or did not do in the past caused his alcohol problem. I need to trust God to bring me down the path he wants me on... and start following it. Acceptance.
I do have a lot of faith. It was strengthened greatly when I saw God answer past prayers of mine. I do believe. I do know I want to be happier in my future and I believe that God will protect my Heart in the long run.
Thank you so much for all the help I have been getting from you all. I am very appreciative.
My brother and I had a long talk on our way home from my alanon and his A.A. meetings tonight, and his support really helped. Its kind of nice to have a recovering alcoholic as a big brother (considering my present circumstances and the remarkable changes I can see in him and his life - he is a new man... happy now). He helps to remind me to "let go and let God" and to take one day at a time.
I told him that I understand that if I am ever going to have a rel. with my H again that is healthy - he would have to get the help he needs first. Until then...I am going to try and stop the self pitying and just live life to its fullest I can.
Yesterday is the past, tommorow is the future...and today is a gift and that is why they call it the "present". TIPPER
Cant sleep, so I am journaling my thoughts and current revelations:
I have been reading Codependent no more and it has taught me that I have definitely stuffed my feelings down far too long while H was here & drunk. I lost myself... I need to find the old me back.
It suggests to feel your feelings and then to think about what you can do about them. Then Act on them or not: -I feel fear of a D, so I need to start preparing myself for it. -I feel lonely, so I need to fill my life up even more than I have with GAL and finding a new career (must focus on career)!! -I feel rejected, so I need to remind myself that H is a raving alcoholic that cant think straight (& never let him back if he is not sober to aviod the cycle he keeps spinning). -I feel sad, so I need to count my blessings everyday. -I feel angry, so I need to release that in private and learn how to control it by using "I statements" calmly and by reading as much as I can about alcoholism to gain compassion for H. -I feel ignorant to reality, so I need to open up my eyes to his abusive ways, his anger, his lies, his unfaithfullness, his lack of commitment, his manipulation, his controlling, his lack of support, his egotism, his irresponsibility, his unhonorableness, his selfishness, his pervertedness(porn-addiction), and his demeaning ways towards our family & friends. (I need to face these facts cuz they are true - I am not trying to put him down). -I feel confused, so I need to let go and let God...Trust that God will bring me happiness in my future endevors no matter how I respond to my H and no matter what H has to say to me. -I feel guilty for enabling H, so I need to stay sober and let him fall on his own while I get healthy and go to alanon. -I feel unlovable, so I need to find the old tipper back again (full of happiness, peppy, confident & strong). -I feel craziness, so I need to look for the reality in every situation more clearly and keep the focus on me - not him. -I feel heart-broken, I dont know how to change that (not sure if that is possible) but I think time will tell and help.
Not so sure I am much up for DBing any longer. I feel I have often misinterpereted the advice,and have tried everything, only to find myself going through it again and agian. After my H and I have our little Rel. talk, I think I am just going to go black.I'm not one to give up but I cant take it anymore. I am starting to feel like I would be better off without H. TIPPER
Tipper, I am not sure that you can DB with someone who is an alcoholic. Until they decide to break the cycle of their addictive and destructive behaviour they will continue to hurt those around them. Their addiction, which comes from their brokeness continues to drive their behaviour, even when sober they know it isn't a good idea.
As for the rest you are on a journey out of co-dependency, and one of the problems is that we find an equilibrium in the co-dependent state which we can sort of live with. If you think of yourself as in some way needing [I hesitate to say addicted to] this way of life, because it is what you know, it might become clearer.
Divorce isn't that bad. Going through it is emotionally tough. I thought it would be the end of the world, but it really is the start of something that can be better for us. Good friends help, but we have to walk it alone.
Combatting loneliness is hard - acknowledge the feeling, and do what you need to deal with it. Gradually you may come to like being alone.
All the feelings you have described are normal feelings. I think we have all felt them, and gradually it all gets better as we acknowledge fully what we feel.
Feeling rejected and unloveable is a sure sign of abuse by another. You are not unloveable, and you stuck it out with an alcholic for many years which makes you a heroine in my book.
Give yourself a hug. Life will get better, I promise. People said that to me in my darkest times, and I thought 'Oh yeah perhaps for you'. I will not say that every day is sunshine and roses, but many are, and the others I can deal with. Hugs.