OK, all of that is important. Whether he understands it or not, whether he approves or not, those are all things you needed to do. Good on you for doing them!
In your place, if I couldn't talk to my wife without offending her and I found her expectations totally unrealistic and one-sided, I'd want to bring in people who could help us communicate better without being emotionally involved. I would consider sitting him down and telling him that you're afraid you're headed for marital trouble, maybe divorce, and you want to see a marriage counselor with him.
If he agrees, follow through--don't wait on him, find someone and get started.
If he refuses (and from your description of his communication with you, I doubt you expect him to agree) then it's probably time for you to see an individual counselor (or a marriage counselor if you prefer) by yourself. Keep the door open for him to join you in marriage counseling at any time, but just as you did with your reading and volunteer work and all the rest, spend some time and energy on what you need. I think you seem like you need someone who won't stonewall you and can be your sounding board.
My wife absolutely refused to go to a marriage counselor, but as we worked through things, decided that she wanted to see an individual therapist. That went really well and she has grown to love going to her IC. I didn't feel we had the time to devote to sending me to an IC while she was going to another one, but kept the idea in my mind, and was getting ready to tell her that I was going to start with an IC of my own this summer when she surprised me with the news that she had asked her IC for recommendations of good marriage counselors in the area. That was a shock to me; I thought she was terrified of marriage counseling! Obviously you and your husband aren't in exactly the same spot, but the point is that you don't want to get too bogged down in what he says today he will or won't do. He's capable of changing his mind just like you are. You're doing good things, so keep doing them, and look for chances to apply the principles behind them in other ways.
