I am the daughter of an alcoholic. My mother was a raging one. I never knew what I was going to wake up to. She said things to me no mother should ever say to a child. It was, to say the least, a horrendous childhood. Whether I was happy depended solely on whether she was having a good day.
I realized through this that I did the same thing in my marriage. If my h was happy, then I was. He, then my son, became everything to me. I spent the first half of my life trying to be the person my mom wanted to be and the next half trying to be who my h wanted me to be.
And in their eyes, I never measured up. I wasnt good enough. I know now that my mother has a disease. I know now that my h has control and self esteem issues.
I have forgiven them both. Nothing they did was with the intent to purposely harm me. They did the best they could with the tools they had.
I am telling you this because I know what it is be so wrapped up in another person. I never, ever thought my h would leave me. I was devasted. I was broken. I thought I would never make it through. It took me a long, long time to get my footing. Through therapy, meds, this forum, two good friends and my sister, I finally realized that I had no choice.
I could continue to sabotage myself and lose years or I could take control of my life.
I knew that if my h ever died, I would have survived it. If he or I got a life threatening illness or were in an accident, I would survive it.
We are so much stronger than we think. And I didnt want to lose more years of my life getting sick over something I have no control over.
So, I gave it over to God. I asked Him to take the pain and heartache and in return I would live as good a life as I could.
IB, I dont want to spend much time on talking about your xh. But, I am so very sorry that he did this. I am sorry that you are hurting.
I can tell you that what he has now is not love and happiness. How could someone be happy when they are so completely different then the person they always were? how can he be happy when he is struggling to have a relationship with his children? How can he be happy when he is broken? And really, I dont care if he is happy or not.
I care if you are. Let him go, sweetie. And begin your life. You become the best IB you can be.
I want to see the survivor, the glass half-full IB. I want to see the creative, problem solving, lemonade making, smile maker.
No one can take those things away from you. They are part of you. They are in there.
Strive to be that person every day. Some days you will make it, some you wont. But always let that be the goal.
IB, you will get through this. Put it in His capable hands. Come on now, one minute at a time, if you must.
