When life hands you lemons add alcohol and stir!

[Kalni]

What exactly deprives you of your "rights" in relation to Gabe? The fact you are not married anymore? What about the fact that you live together, have a child together, make love, tell each other you love each other (if I am not mistaken, etc etc?

Mish, even with a boyfriend of a month relatioship you would be able to express yourself freely. It's all in your head.
*Smack* (seeing any clearer now?)
xxx
K

[MichelleLT]

Ditto to Kat, OT, and Kalni.

If that wasn't a good time, find a better time and just say it!

The more you sweep things under the rug, the harder it is to raise the issue. The longer you let it sit, the sillier it seems to bring it up.

But it doesn't go away.

It's still an issue.

And it needs to be put out in the open and addressed.

You say you choose not to talk to him about things that will set him off, but you are making a ton of assumptions there.

You are assuming things that used to set him off still will. You are assuming that you haven't learned better ways to communicate that will make the discussion productive.

You are also assuming that setting him off is a bad thing! Even if, in the short-term, it results in a flare up, if in the long-term he addresses the issue you've raised, you've still won!

Look back at the times you've thought things were going south, that he would move out again, that you were going to have a huge fight. That night he stormed out.

It wasn't the end.

Don't assume this will be either.

[whatisis]

Mish, staying out late may indeed seem like his old ways and that's scary for you, understandably. The issue I see is that he, like many who've had affairs, doesn't want to deal with it. He wants it all to be OK because he's back now. It's hard when the unfaithful spouse doesn't want to acknowledge the damage done to you or the R. That said, can you live with that? Can you continue to live as Ms. happy, happy, joy, joy when you're not feeling that way? It's a choice and you can choose to do something different but either way it's gonna be scary, so which way do you want your life to be lived?

[mishka422]

We are spending a whole day together tomorrow. he took a day off work just so that he could be home with me on my day off. We plan to go for a walk around the lake in the morning and then he is taking me to breakfast and a movie (which he suggested and he isn't fond of movies like I am) which shocked the heck out of me because he suggested "Bridesmaids". That is at least part chick flick isn't it? It looks hysterically funny though and very Hangover-like so it should be fun.

I'm thinking that on our walk I'm going to bring up some of the issues I am having and I'll just have to hope he doesn't leave me at the lake. Fingers crossed.

I know I have a choice. I know I'm scared...no...make that petrified. I am NOT good at voicing my feelings especially to Gabe. I'm so non-confrontational that the thought of talking this out with him makes my heart nearly jump out of my chest. It's terrifying.

Wii, you ask if I can continue to live as Ms. happy happy joy joy when I don't feel that way. The short answer is yes. Yes I can. I've done it for about 25 years now. It's become me and it's something I don't believe I can shed.

K, you ask a good question. What deprives me of my 'right' to expect anything from Gabe? Yes, we've told each other "I love you", we live together, and we parent together. We share just about everything and you would think that would make me comfortable enough to speak openly with him. Nope. My brain doesn't work that way.

You said that even after a 1 month R with a boyfriend that I should feel free to speak openly. There has been so much damage that can't be reversed. I learned something from all of this experience and that lesson was "just shut up and suck it up sunshine." Everyone's life is awful, there is no way around that, it is what it is. No one in RL wants or needs to hear about it and when you eventually break and spill they run. That is what comes of being too open and speaking what you feel. Asking for what you need really isn't any better. This is what I've experienced.

All of the above sounds insane. You don't have to tell me or rail at me about it. You think I don't know that? Trust me, I know. I'm so happy for people who are so well adjusted and are able to speak up. Those are the people who succeed and go on to live much more fulfilling lives and have great R's and future M's. I couldn't be happier for all of you who are able to do that. It gives me faith in the ability of the human spirit to heal and thrive. I'm glad that my reality is mine alone. I wouldn't wish living inside my head on ANYONE!!!!!

OK.....enough of this crap!

I did something super fun yesterday. Those of you who are friends on FB should check it out on my wall. I participated in a "Zumba flash mob" at the "Taste of Fayette". I posted a link to the YouTube video from it. There were approximately 120-150 people that participated. The funniest part was seeing the looks on the people's faces that were trapped in the middle of the mob. Too funny!!!!!!!

[whatisis]

Mish, it's not "confrontational" to voice how you're feeling and what you might need. He gets to do it too! Of course, when you make yourself vulnerable there is the possibility that you won't get what you want. That is scary...but I'm so glad you're gonna give it a go. Remember, it's not a confrontation!

[kat727]

Not everyone's life is awful. I think the difference is how it is looked at. Bad things happen all of the time but you can look at all the bad things and be miserable and tell yourself nothing good will happen...and then it probably won't. Or bad things happen, take each thing as it comes. It isn't the end of the world, I can hamdle it. I have saved a bit aside just in case of an emergency, good now I don't need to panic. Just two different ways to look at things.

Going through the divorce it did feel as if everything was going wrong at once. As I got to feeling better and finding a better state of mind, I realize it is just life. Things happen and it is my job(oh joy!) to handle them. It the Grand Scheme of things: my life is better is many ways but I still have some things to deal with...mostly just stuff like everyone else.

You had something awful happen to you. I would give anything to be able to take that away. But if you let those thoughts/fears/memories stop you, they win. The bad guys will have taken away your life because they are controlling how you live it with fear. Don't let them win hon. You are worth so much more than that.

hugs, kat

[whatisis]

So Mish, how did it go? Spill!

[mishka422]

Nothing to spill. I got tongue tied and couldn't spit it out.

Opportunity lost.

We had a lovely day though. Went for a walk around the lake, went to a late breakfast together at a favorite restaurant and went to see "Bridesmaids" which is totally hysterical. He was nothing but fun and kind all day and it felt so good I couldn't ruin it.

[AliSuddenly]

It wasnt an opportunity lost.. it wasnt the right time. I thought when I read your earlier post.. oh no, not that day.. he had taken a day off and planned what sounded like a romantic day out.. so that was thoughtful and the kind of thing that builds good memories, you wouldnt want to sour that with an R talk.

You've got to pick your moment and there will be others. Perhaps one weekend or evening when your son isnt about?

I still dont 'get' why you are so afraid to voice any feelings or thoughts to Gabe.. he came back and he's still there all this time later.. I think that 'phase' of your R is over and wont be repeated. I see it astrologically.. same for my H, he was in a grip of a powerful Venus-Pluto transit when he met Helen at work, left me and became very withdrawn and obsessive.. he went down, mentally, spiritually, morally... but he's back up because Pluto has moved on by (never to return). I can only say that intuitively I see that Gabe went through something similiar and you too (although I dont know what played out to symbolise it, astrologically)... so thats what comforts me.. I dont know if you can view it that way for yourself.. it was a phase, a rite of passage, a coming of age..

You sound like you are expecting it to all happen again at ANY moment, but I really dont view your R that way hun.

Al xxx

[MichelleLT]

I can't put it any better than Kat, so I won't.

As for not speaking up, I am glad you had a wonderful day. Those memories are wonderful to make and have. I can totally understand not wanting to even risk spoiling it.

I find that I just need to force myself to address things quickly. If I don't, I bury them. I need to take just enough time to think over what I want to say and then just do it.

(((Mishka)))