except she is still placating your with words, trying to keep you as plan B
Holy Smokes Michelle you are the third person to tell me this, would it surprise you that the other were also women? Prob not.
25, Cat, and you have been driving this home for a few days now. Such a simple concept really, but it absolutely comes down to actions and not words. While she appears to struggle she continues to move forward.
Very Well..........
My objective is clear.........
Not to me. What is it?
To be honest with you I am not sure why I am still swimming in circles here. The outcome is very clear.
"Outcome"?? You are divorced...that happened already.
Why do I look over my shoulder?
B/C OF FEAR...NEARLY PARALYZING YOU...
Actions speak louder than words.
YEAH, WELL, WORDS WEIGH NOTHING. THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS NOW IS THE ACTIONS & THEY HAVE TRANSPIRED AND YOU ARE DIVORCED...ENO OF THE M....can you hope that someday you guys will get a 2nd chance? I think someday long from now, you can hope that. But it's way too soon for now.
I wonder if I'm in love, not with X, but with the IDEA of being in love.
Many of us are or have been.
I imagine that answer will come with time.
NOT NECESSARILY. AND YOU MAY NEVER GET IT. SO??
The irony of having to let go of someone you love is that it takes a lot of love to be able let go of someone.
IN THEORY I AGREE WITH YOU. BUT IN YOUR SITCH, WHAT'S TO "LET GO" OF? SHE'S GONE...SORRY.
Problems occur when I avoid the grieving process and try to cling to something that has died. At the very least, the inability to let go will keep me stuck in the past and I won't really be living my life. It is natural to grieve for a period and just as natural to eventually let go. When that will happen is anybody's guess. I wish I knew!!!
IN A NUTSHELL, THIS IS THE CHOICE YOU SEEM TO BE MAKING FOR YOURSELF, ON A DAILY BASIS...TO STAY STUCK, NOT TO LIVE YOUR LIFE...HOW SAD. MAKE A NEW CHOICE TODAY.
In order to fully accept my divorce and move on, I need to understand what happened
THIS IS A LIE I USED TO BELIEVE...fact is, I will likely NEVER understand my h's MLC (or whatever it was).AND I DON'T NEED TO EITHER. The past is NOT seen the same way by people so there'll never be agreement on it. What matters is that you learn what YOU would do differently if you had the chance, "from this day forward." Keep your eye on the "now" and the future. My biggest regret is the enormous energy and TIME i wasted trying to understand what h was doing, thinking, feeling, etc. I'd ask "Why, why why?" all the time. But then I remembered a 10 y/o girl I met in cancer camp for kids. She was terminally ill and said she had been asking God "Why" she got cancer. Her words were "I used to ask God why I got cancer. Why, why, WHY? THEN I realized i just did...and I wanted to have a fun life while I can." She did have a great summer, and it was her last. She was wise beyond her years. Enough of the "why?s"...LIVE YOUR LIFE...it's short as it is.
and acknowledging the part I played. It’s important to understand how the choices I made affected the relationship. Learning from my mistakes is the key to not repeating them.
Own them, learn from them, and let them go...period. Work on the concept of forgiveness and what it really means. FORGIVENESS WILL SET YOU FREE.
I believe I have done this and it still carries A LOT of guilt!
I am happy because I am growing daily and I honestly don't know where the limit lies. To be certain, every day there can be a revelation or a new discovery. I treasure the memory of the past misfortunes. It has added more to my bank of fortitude.
Going forward I will cut back the contact quite a bit although right now I don't call at all or reach out to her in anyway.
I believe the only way for me to heal is to move in the opposite direction.
My inability to heal and accept the end lies in my constant contact and allowing myself to pay more attention to her words than I do her actions.
NO WORDS OF HERS SHOULD MATTER IN TERMS OF THE R...AT ALL...LET ME REITERATE...her WORDS are NOT IMPORTANT...and frankly neither are the actions NOW, b/c she already finished the marriage....
But know that where the head goes, the heart will follow. At some level this will start to sink in if you let it, and then real change might occur. It has to for you to move forward...
Good luck.
25 my objective I believe is clear and that is to move on with my life and not look back. It is not looking for any positives signs from her or waiting to see what she decides, in my mind she has already decided. She decided to D me. I will treat her as I do a friend. After many many months of struggline to figure out this concept I am starting to understand it.
This is why I say my outcome is clear. I am D! Does not get any clearer than that.
The answers I have been looking for slowly come into view. At this point I am ok although I still miss her and raising a D without her is painful sometimes but the more I do with my D and the more I face the reality the easier it becomes.
There is no magic switch any of us can turn on or off that will help us do what we need to do it slowly comes. Some of us can detach better than others, others struggle A LOT.
One thing you mentioned awhile ago was how you think back and regret all the time you wasted trying to figure out what H was doing or being depressed. I understand that comment but that comment comes from a person who has healed and was successful. If someone would have told you back when you were depressed that you were spending a lot of energy on useless thoughts of loneliness you would not have believed it. I am sure I will look back and think/say the same thing.
You mentioned several times in your response "what is there to let go off. she is gone" I know this. I am not sleeping with a blowup doll pretending it's her LOL but to let go of someone is more than just their physical presence. It is letting go of the feeling or the desire to want them. That is the letting go I am speaking of.
I do think we need to understand what we have done to contribute to our demise 25 and I believe that is part of understanding what we would do differently.
Forgiveness is a slogan we use around here all the time. It is something we like to tell each other and while it is absolutely true it is much harder to do than we say. It takes a lot of reflection and self analysis and love. I wish it was as easy and waking up and saying I forgive her but I also forgive myself. It is a daily thing for a long time until it just becomes natural.
I agree that her words carry little weight at this point. One of the mistakes we make in the beginning of all this, and it is natural, is that we obsess over every little word or comment and we let it bother us for days. We hang on to them as if we are holding on to a life jacket. That is what I was holding on to for so long yet her actions are the ones I should have paid attention to.
As far as 'where the head goes the heart will follow' I have seen you post this on several threads and I must admit, at the risk of sounding like a dummy, I am not sure I get this.
I do appreciate the story you shared with me about your aunt and uncle. I think that is great. At this point I don't see this happening with me unless I happen to be in Ok for some ODD reason and we end running into each other but hey you never know.........
