Affair (continued)

[25yearsmlc]

the main point of my posts is that you have to give her time to grieve.

There has been a death in her family, the death of the m she had to you. I really think that is what it feels like.

You speak of the 15 years of fidelity but as Jack says (hi Jack--hey, I was just saying IF IT WERE Me....ya know, empathizing?!!)

those "faithful" years are gone now. Besides, it's only your word that says so. For all she knows, you were NOT faithful all those years for you have undermined the whole m to her.

Bottom line, and it's crucial that you get this... She's still in shock, and doesn't know what is best for HER, or her children, or whether she can ever trust you, or what's right. She has pride and ego and she's trying to keep from letting those guide her, but she wants her self respect & she's finding that there is a fine line between the two...so Forget the anger, or the "plan" you think she has or is forming.... She does not know. She's reeling. Back WAY off.

Did she see forgiveness growing up, or bitterness, or just victimhood? I don't know. But I do know you have a much longer road ahead than you expected. And SO DOES SHE.

When the time comes, and it's NOT NOW, you can ask your w what she needs from you, if anything. She may simply need more space. Whatever it is, you give it to her.

This is not about you being a doormat. Plus, lucky for you, she does not sound like a woman filled with hatred or scorn.

However She moves forward, no doubt she will backslide, and you'll have to cut her some slack when that happens. That's if she chooses to stay m. She might. Give her the space to do so.

I don't think you should be looking for an apartment when she has not asked you to. Why would you? You think all your stuff is going to be on the lawn? Really? To me, It seems as if you want to get out of the discomfort zone more than anything else, b/c you want your pain to end, and that's about YOU, not her.

Follow her lead. She has not filed, she has not asked you to leave, she has not left. These are good signs. You are being given the chance to DB however briefly. So do it.

Have you read the DR book yet? If you have not gotten through it yet, make that a priority. Frankly, It looks weird for you to post here without having read the book(s) that forms the basis of the approach here.


Also, when looking for a pro m mc, a question I asked is whether they were "solution based". That's b/c I was not particularly interested in going through h's childhood issues or baggage, or mine. We had already been in workshops & therapy years earlier, and had worked through a great deal.

I felt that what I needed were solutions for NOW, not psychoanalysis. (Not bashing it, just saying it's not what I needed then and there for my m).

Don't pressure her to attend mc, YOU go. The more you pressure her, the more likely you will get an answer you don't want.

I highly HIGHLY recommend a DB coach for you (and only you. If SHE wants a DB coach, she can call herself).

I found the DB coach i had to be a Godsend. Absolutely the single best thing I did to save the m.

Later on, much later, h and I went to Retrovaille, which is a retreat/workshop for couples in trouble.

That was wonderful. The stories you hear will give you and your w some hope and confidence in the future of your m, but if it's not enough to stay m, at least you'll communicate better. (Although It started in the Catholic church, you do not have to be in the Church to attend.

My h is not Catholic and no one shoved it at us). Also it charges on a sliding scale. Down the road, if she's willing, I think you'd get a lot out of it, But I doubt it's something you two could do now.

Good luck