Did you talk to your husband before he left about what YOU expected to work on while he was gone?
I did not talk with my husband about what I expected to work on while he was gone, I felt so broken that I first just needed to work on finding myself under the frustration and depression.
Originally Posted By: SillyOldBear
Are you afraid he's going to come home expecting his wife to have flipped the Sexual/Asexual switch in his absence?
Yes. Basically he says that I had 4 months to deal with it and I should be healed. He came home with the intention of trying to be patient and work with me, but ultimately he seems to have no understanding or compassion for my side of the issue - and certainly he does not believe that he is part of the problem in any way.
Originally Posted By: SillyOldBear
At some point, if your goal is to save this marriage, you're going to be forced to have a serious talk with this man and explain what you want and need from him.
I agree. We do try to talk about it and we have discussions often, but they feel like battles to me. For my part, I have a hard time knowing anymore what I want of him. I know I would like to stop feeling defensive all the time because it seems like he is constantly badgering me to get it figured out; and I know that I would like to feel some sort of sexual desire before I engage in sexual activity with him, but I don't know what to ask of him to help me find that desire. I wish that he could understand me when I try to explain why I have feelings of hurt and anger and fear and that I don't know how to let them go. I wish we could talk in a constructive way instead of arguing and interrupting each other in our own defense. I've been trying to be a better listener and to stay calm, but I am not always successful.
On the positive side, I did have time and space to work on myself while he was gone. I tried to focus on being more relaxed instead of being worried and anxious about life; I practiced finding joy and appreciation of the little things in life; I tried to practice being calm during provacative phone conversations and not engage in the usual arguments in the usual way; I took the initiative to have the deck replaced after acknowledging that it is important to me but not to him and not likely to get done if left to him; and I agreed to chaperone my son's track team trip to the state meet even though it means leaving town for three days right after H just got home, but I am not doing it to get away from him or hurt his feelings, I am doing it because it is something I really wanted to do; I've made time for reading, both for pleasure and self help (particularly the ssm). I would like to live a balanced life, and it is much harder to maintain when he is physically present wanting me to focus on him, but I think it is an important aspect of being a healthy person in a healthy relationship.
