Thankx guys. I appreciate the support. Dusting myself off. Yesterday was vb, brought my youngest with me this time.
tonight drum practice or lessons.
tommorrow I coach soccer, and they go to Alice Cooper. First big event my family will go to without me. It might be tough but the good news is , its the same 24 hours as any other day. Just got to keep busy that night.
Everything else seems to be falling into place.
Our birthdays are coming up May 28 ( hers) and May 30 ( mine) I have been invited by my best man to go to his place to my old home town and celebrate there. Im looking forward to it.
I already have a birthday gift for her from the boys. I dont think I should even acknowledge it from me.
Thats about it. I have a certain calm about me today that I havent experienced before. Could it be acceptance?
I dont know. Lets see how long it lasts.
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BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
I have periods of calm that last from a few minutes to a few days, but even during the calm times, the situation is ALWAYS on my mind to some extent. I look forward to a time when I can live a "normal" day without having to work at it. So, I try to enjoy those calm moments as much as I can. Right now, they are like gold. Enjoy this day and every other one when you have the sense of calm. You deserve that too!
I have been seeing the calm when I'm feeling it like the eye of the hurricane. It's perfectly calm where I am but there's a major storm spinning around me.
I don't know if it's acceptance, detachment or what. All I can say is enjoy it for what it is - don't worry about the storm spinning all around you. You need it for your mental health.
It does not matter if you go to Japan in the end you will always face yourself again.
The approach you are taking and your W is taking is very different.
You have ackowledged and recognized your faults and have chosen to work on them, a task that is extremely difficult to accomplish, in reality it never ends.
She has found comfort in OM but that is short lived and superficial. She will face herself sooner or later.
IMO she is running away from her problems
Running away from problems is not only futile, it leads to a false sense of security. The erroneous premise is that your problems can be left behind by utilizing one or more strategies. The reality is, problems follow you until they are resolved.
Continue to work on yourself and continue to improve. Be the rock for your kids and everything else will just happen.
Stop looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, just start walking and you will see it.
Even though your wife is unable to forgive today or tomorrow doesn’t mean that she will not eventually come around and decide that her behavior isn’t getting her anywhere with her you, especially when she sees that you are not letting her moments of unkindness and cruelty get to you.
As hard as it may seem to do, YOU ought to try and forgive your wife for her inability to forgive you. The reason for this is so you can detach from her emotional outbursts properly. If you are holding in negative feelings towards your wife, detaching will be difficult to do. YOu will feel antagonism in your heart, which is not detaching but hanging on to her abusive words.
I know it is difficult to be kind while she is ranting and involved with OM and raving and calling you all kinds of names but this IS what will finally get her to express herself properly. She NEEDS to see that her emotional outbursts against you do not intimidate you, and the name calling does not disturb you. YOU are fine!
Be patient with your wife for a bit longer. Knowing how to detach is the first step in taking care of your self. Let your wife see she can trust the man she married. Your new attitude will reflect on to her and she will finally come out of her feelings and decide to forgive from the completeness of her heart.
I already have a birthday gift for her from the boys
Just a little suggestion, but after this time...don't you think the boys are old enough to get their mom a birthday present on their own? Or....maybe they did and you just didn't say. Old traditions are hard to break, aren't they?
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes, I have been hit alot lately with 2x4s, lots of self reflection. Even more than ever.
My role in this was bigger than I thougt. I havent gone to council for awhile and I tried to take blame but my counciler was having none of that. He did say, Yes you made mistake, but no bigger than anyone in a longterm marriage.
You also did many good things he would tell me. And it is true that there were lots of good times but also lots of pressure from her dysfunctional family. We handled money poorly and dug ourself such a big hole.
Bottom line, I am feeling better about everything.
Washer went down today. Irony maybe. We bought it when we got married and bought our first house together. I immediately got a new one today. I would have procrasonated for a few days and bought the cheaper model. I figuered. No more, take the bull by the horns and it is installed and washing as we speak.
I am feeling good about things like that. Babysteps to the change.
2step: back to your post. I appreciate everything you wrote and it does make sense. I have to get to a point where it doesnt matter what she is doing with OM. I had to go by her house again after dropping off son, his truck was there and it didnt send a jolt this time. Still not the thing I want to see but maybe the next few times, it will be less and less until it just wont matter.
And the foregiveness thing. Its coming, it not there yet but it is coming.
Tommorrow they are going to see Alice COoper, always wanted to see him. I dont think it will be that tough for me. Im trying to pump up Youngest son about it. Called him lucky to be seeing KISS and Alice in the same year. He pointed at me and mocked me a little cause I aint going. We laughed about it. I think hes ok with that.
WE had ribs outside today, made a huge stirfry as they both want to lose weight like dad did. We had a Paleo meal and acted like cavemen. Little one really likes the role play. We have always done things like that and used crazy accents. It came back to me today and I was in full accent form. Felt good.
Didnt think about her too much during that.
As for being patient for my W. I dont know if I need to be patient for any reason. I just have to continue with this path, be great to my KIDS and let the chips fall where they may.
If she ever does come out of this fog and wants her family back, then i think I will have to see where I am at because its not going to be any time soon if ever.
Thanks for checking in 2step.
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BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Be patient with yourself 9 and loving her is a choice you will have to make. That is what I mean by being patient. It will take energy but in the end you will feel better
Im not sure if loving someone is a choice. I think I will always love her in some capacity. We have shared too much together including the birth of our children.
Im just not sure if I can be in love with her forever.
Today is the concert, its funny. I always wake up thinking about her but then immediately try thinking about something else with mixed success. One bit of progress is that I can sleep in our bed and when I wake up in the middle of the night, I can get back to sleep.
Also last night when I was going to my drum lesson, I was on the bike and felt really alive. I was thinking, If she didnt walk, I would have never bought the bike, gotten myself back into university type shape and just started looking after myself better. I did get into a rut for sure. Dont know what that was all about but it was there.
Grew my hair out, put on weight, didnt really want to go out. Just became complacent. Not sure why that happened.
I like 25's suggestion about saying yes to all invitations. That is a great idea however, it could get pricy.
I think I am going to make it and continue to be the change. I cant say that Im at the top of the mountain, but I am getting the right gear on to scale this thing. Im finally understanding from within that I have to work on me. NOt just words. This site has helped so much. The 2x4's were so good.
The wallowing had to stop. Poor me is pointless. Embarrassed I was there for so long.
Another day well on its way.
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BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
I wouldn't be embarrassed about anything 9. This is a process without a timeline. We just roll with it. I too can't believe that there was a long time that I really just wanted to die. I couldn't even imagine a future without my W. Now I don't k ow if I can picture a future with my W. Funny how we come full circle
BITS
M:34 W:28 SD:9 D:6 (pr) M:3 T:6 Separated 1/16/11 ILYBNILWY 10/25/10 PA discovered 11/12/10, began about 10/1/10
I am not who I was, I am being remade, I am new...
