Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[angel61]

That is an awesome journal, my friend. Given the way your H thnks so much about things, I think it is the perfect gift!

Alb, both you and I are entering into a new phase in our lives. We are now looking into once again having our H's back in our lives. Although mine never left, he was gone emotionally and in spirit for a while, and now he has made that conscious decision to stay. Both our H's still have that yearning for "freedom" , have the feeling that they are not in control (and by default we are?).But things have to move on and change, and although we question if its too early, sooner or later we are going to find out.

Already I see you asking what you have to do, how are you going to act. I also have those questions, furthermore, I am already grappling with those feelings of why I am not feeling more excited and happy that my H has made his intentions known. I feel like I have been suppressing my feelings for so long and that maybe I don't know anymore how to love. I am afraid that he has buried his for so long or has romanticizied his feelings for OW too much that he may not recognize love for me.

This weekend we were together by ourselves for 24 hours and I found myself getting tired, wanting to have some alone time! Months ago I kept on imagining different scenarios of how it would be like once we started getting close again, how it would be like not to deal with the level of pain I was experiencing, but it did not turn out to be as I thought. Just like you, I am finding that time changes our perspective so much, and nothing can really prepare you for what you will be feeling at the present time and given a certain situation!

At least I do have more of a feeling of security now, the insecurity of not knowing whether he was going to step out of the door or not anytime has passed, although I am well aware that he still can change his mind anytime.

My take on this is: Just be thankful for having him back, and think of what opportunities for improving the connection you have this situation will bring! I think there are a lot of things going in your favor, most of all the fact that your H is consciously wanting to improve the sitch and also knows that he loves you!

If he can realize that freedom and control are possible even if he is with you, and if you can give him as much of those as possible, then perhaps your coexistence will be smoother.

I am trying to do the same thing, and I struggle with it, although lately, I have realized that for me to be able to go forward I have to take each day as it comes, not think about the past and let resentment and hurt take hold of me again. I can see that what is perceived as control by my H is not that I am controlling him per se, but that I have expectations for the sitch and of his behaviour and he can't help but try to live up to those expectations! he once said that he felt controlled by just the fact that I am around - but I guess that is something we can't really do anything about as long as he chooses to stay within the M, but again, there may be ways of lessening that impact.

ooops, sorry for the hijack.... but we seem to be going through a lot of the same things that I just can't help it....