Harrier

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Harrier,

My advice is that this now is the plodding forward time. Force yourself to be opptimistic, put yourself on a short leash.

Piecing is harder than any other aspect of DBing to me, it was like walking a tighrope across the Grand Canyon with 40 mph cross winds and snipers.

The best advice I can give you is to realize your goal and roll with the punches as best you can.

You saw the texts and it crushed you.
You relayed the texts and it had the opposite effect on me.
Here is why:

Her friend noticed a change in you; a good one.

Recall most friends and family members are going to be the first ones to push a person OUT of a relationship they think is bad.

Your wife said, "I hope..."

Not: "No."

But that she hopes.

I see that as a postive. We hope for things we want.

It is hard hard work man. Your wife might think this is all fluffy bunnies and unicorns and self help money making the universe wants you to be happy and you'll get what you imagine stuff...

It's not.

Change the pattern and cycle a bit.

We as people tend NOT to want to 'award' those we feel are not meeting our expectations. Withholding 'good' from them for bad behaviour. I don't know if you are, I'm only going by myself and trends. We withdraw when we feel hurt or unappreciated. Change that. Stop withdrawing. Shrug it off, look at the long term not the short term. Let the little hurts slide off of you, as hard as it is. Return indifference with a smile and a cup of coffee.

That 'spark' it is not a switch, not after the first couple of years. Complacentcy is the death of a marriage, because it kills that spark.

It takes a long while of small things and consistent effort and attitude on your part...on my part to have brought it back to my marriage. My wife looks at me the way she used to, not all the time, our lips aren't chapped from suckking face for 2 hours.

But it is there.

As an aside. For me this trip started...about 5 1/2 - 6 years ago.
My wife told me she stopped kissing and hugging me because I made it seem like I expected sex when she did.
(I did what most people do and I got defensive, instead of actually listening to her concerns)
I told her that I wouldn't if we had more sex.

Can you see how f-ed up that is?
2 complaints but no solution offered. Well not in a good way.
Her solution was no more kissing and hugging and mine was more sex. Counter productive. Impasse.

I started hugging, kissing and touching her without any expectations. I kept my hands above the waist.

My wife has a low sex drive.
I have a higher one.
Nothing wrong with her and nothing wrong with me, just different.

The other night very recently in fact. After going to bed early but staying up late, I asked her what I was doing? Why was she so accomodating? Why was she saying yes so often lately?

Her reply.

"Because your asking."

That blew me away. Still does. Cause that was a: I could of have a V8 moment.

It took a long time to get there, but I got so accustomed to doing things a certain way, a way that worked for me and her, I forgot I could change things up as well and see how it went.

We are so burned out on the subject. Of course, if we are burned out, she wants to retreat and not be intimate and not have sex. That is no way to get any spark back.

I was so depressed about it this morning, I don't know what to do. I guess we will talk tonight too

Do you need to talk about it?
If you're both burned out about it is it a good idea?

You're not going to talk her into having sex, at least it is unlikely that she is going to be the excited woman you want in bed if you do.

I recommend listening to her concerns, touch her without expectation.

Yes you want what you want, and I have been there. There is hope. For me I got what I wanted by giving her what she wanted. Maybe not as quickly as I wanted it...but I got an eager and excited partner from being patient.


Harrier I'm gone for the next 5 days so my silence is just me going clam digging with my family.