bolt tightening

[MHL]

Hey Bolt,

Good to see that things are calming down a little for you, there will be other times where the storm clouds will be swirling around you. Use this time to start to work on You for YOU.

Try not to think about your R with your W, rather think about YOU and what you want out of Life. Now is a good time to take a little peek up from looking at your feet and see where you are going.

With regards to your daughters, continue to support them and be their ROCK, in words, deeds and actions.

I had the youngest this weekend and she said she wanted to live with me. She said she still needed time - AND that the only reason she said she would live with her mom is because she didn't want to hurt her feelings because she really wanted to live with me.

Crazy...

Watch out for this.....your youngest will try to take on ownership of your happiness......my son did for a long time. Realize that while she may indeed want to live with you, she said what she said to make you feel better.

A good response to that might be "Daughter, I want to live with you too and I love you very much and your mother loves you very much too. For now lets just worry about the time we do spend together and making it a good time."

I would try to avoid these conversations and you can always fall back on "I just don't know right now". You will validate their feelings, tell them it is okay to feel their feelings but DO NOT Interject how you are feeling about their Mom, the Sitch, or anything else while they are sharing with you.

Your oldest is looking for a "partner" to hate your W with. Hate is a terrible emotion. It is draining, it takes work to maintain.....you have to feed the emotion, when we get tired of hating we tend to look for others that can "hate" for us while we rest. That is what your oldest D is doing. Validate her feelings by saying "I understand why you may feel that way". She may ask you about yours.....show her the ROCK.

You are unwaviered by your W's words and actions and you are doing the best you can for you and your daughters. Show her that Life can be Good again. Oh and BTW your daughter will blame every bad thing going on in her life on her mother. Mine does to this day and I will tell you that there is one word to discribe a 14 year old teenage girl........

DRAMA

Everything is Drama.....even if this crap was not going on with your marriage.....your D would still have DRAMA in her life. This is where good counseling comes in handy.

Word of warning.....and I have said this before....avoid contact with your W......

I finally had it and said, .........

It felt really good. REALLY good to not let her influence me.

Did she really not influence you???

and said, you need to find someone else to blame because you can't blame me anymore. She continued to accuse me of not listening and I returned - only once - that I don't listen because I'm not talking to her. She can't accuse me of it anymore.

Remember, she can and WILL do whatever the h@ll she wants and it will all be your fault......always.

Remove yourself from the equation......it will take time but the more time that goes by where there is no contact the better it will be......Trust me.

Your conversations should be "fact based".......such as....

What time am I meeting you???

Where am I meeting you????

D8 needs XYZ item for school....

That is it, nothing else. You will even be blamed in your silence and absence for a while too.

It takes TIME before you can communicate with her more than that....

Hang in there Bolt,

you're doing good.

Cheers