This is effectively what Jody (the DB coach) told me. I have written the "letter of release" which does as you say (understand you think you need to do this, here is what I have learned and am learning, hope we can still be friends). I can't decide if I should send it now after she's just gotten set up or after a week has passed and the flush of "HA, I HAVE ESCAPED MY HORRIBLE BONDS!" has faded a bit.
But I still don't have much hope. Meeting with lawyers to be prepped, and my sister is all set to stay with me a month and help me through this rough spot. Meanwhile W just posts on FB about finding people to go to movies with.
(I have at least "hidden" her on FB so she can see my updates but I don't see hers, but if she gets too saucy and I hear it from friends, I'll properly unfriend her. A few of my friends already have).
With my W every time I fought the D, it just emboldened her and drove her further down the path.
This reminds me of one thing I've picked up during this journey I've written down on page of quotes - "What you resists persists."
Originally Posted By: greenblue90
See my theory for WAW's is that the fantasy of running away is way more appealing than the actual truth. Let her push this as far as she wants, show her it is not what you want, but respect her wishes. By doing this she will have to realize that she has to do this, because she wants to do this for herself, not because she wants to run away from a bad version of you. (The bad version of you, that you are supposed to be getting rid of through DB, see how it works!)
gb I think you are spot on with this!
Originally Posted By: greenblue90
This WILL take time, and may even go as far as actually getting the D. She may also never turn back, but in my opinion this is the best you can do if you want at least a "chance" at saving this.
Unfortunately I think you are right with this one, too.
Yup. Sent her my "letter of release", hid her on FB (so she can still see my updates for now), blocked her on GMail chat so won't see if she's online. It's all her now.
You know, after sending that "letter of release", blocking her from gmail, and hiding her FB statuses, I feel like I've said goodbye. I'm sad, but feel better in some ways. I still hope she'll reconsider, but once again this was probably more for me than her. But I feel much better this evening.
'course, the workout and tango lessons may have helped more
Sigh... did pretty well yesterday and then crashed with a wallow in "WHY is this happening to MEEEEEE" self-pity. Ah well. Sister is coming in tonight which should help with my PMA considerably (she'll kick my butt if I wallow too much).
I'm still not really sure what sort of attitude I should have to W; should I initiate contact? Be casual about returning messages? Should I be expediting or resisting the D paperwork? I certainly don't want a D, but if it has to happen I'd like it to be over soon... sorta. I just wish there was some way to UNDERSTAND THIS, but understanding is very far away indeed.
My beautiful sweet lady! Where has she gone? As one of my female friends put it, "honey, she hasn't been a lady about this in a very long time." But it's so hard for me to believe we were laughing and playing and even attempting a kiss again just days before she walked out.
Sigh... she saw that I moved money out of shared accounts and freaked out, wondering why I was acting like I didn't trust her. I wrote a very measured response asking her to look at her actions from my point of view and to please understand that when she ambushed me with a walkout saying "I want to hurt you so badly you WANT me to leave", it did in fact make me want to protect myself, but that I understood she was in a scary transition.
Sigh... she surrounds herself with people who validate her desire for divorce and demonize me, ignores our mutual friends who ask why she is acting this way, and continues to proceed on this path. I'm doing really well all things considered, but this one made me cry again. Glad my sister's here for support.
Few rough emails later, she sounds like her again, but still determined to divorce, saying she feels like the problems between us are not fixable. This is so tough! She still oscillates between what looks like severe midlife crisis and just plain old relationship troubles, but is still totally convinced it's not solvable. It hurts a lot. Thank god for my sister, who is already lightly remodeling the place, packing away W's items, etc. Hurts but makes things more livable.
I wouldn't sweat it, she freaked out not because you don't trust her, but because she sees herself losing her grip on you. Separating accounts must have been a big milestone for her, she's just mad you did it and not her. It's weird but WAW like making all the actions that symbolically destroy their M. Mine got upset when she saw me not wearing my band, despite the fact that she took hers off 2 weeks before.
She's taken you for granted and in her fantasy life running way seems fun. Now she is seeing it happen for real and it scared her. Despite the fight this is a good thing.
Remember this anytime she gets upset at you for moving forward on the D SHE wants:
"I'm sorry things have to be this way, but this is just another part of what you wanted. Things don't have to be this way, but you have decided this is best for you."
Just make sure you rehearse this so it doesn't come out bitter ok .
I'm still not really sure what sort of attitude I should have to W; should I initiate contact? Be casual about returning messages? Should I be expediting or resisting the D paperwork?
I would you should not initiate contact at this point. You should be casual about returning messages: don't ignore them, just don't be too overly eager to respond right away. As far as expediting or resisting the D, I suggest neither. Just don't resist it. Easier said than done. I have flat out told my W I don't want a D, but I've also told her I couldn't / wouldn't stop her. My DB coach gave me the tug-o-war analogy: when you drop the rope, she may just take a step back and stop pulling so hard against you. At that point, she may actually she what she's losing.
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