Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

Last week was filled with more of H rethinking and rethinking his decision to move back. We had a couple of comments to each other on his blog. He feels like moving back is a "loss of freedom" and "giving up control". I asked him what freedom he's losing and who's got the control then? He didn't have a good answer. He's to the point where I think he feels like he knows that a lot of his feelings are irrational and he's choosing to ignore them and move forward. And while that's good in a way, that doesn't mean the feelings go away. So only time will tell.

This weekend, I helped H moved his furniture into our house. He really didn't take anything with him when he left so everything was something new that he bought. Needless to say, our house is kind of a mess right now while we figure out where to put stuff. Helping him was weird. I didn't feel right going through his drawers and cupboards to help him out even though we're married and he's moving back in with me. Still felt odd. At one point, H said that he was full of anxiousness about the whole thing and was already regretting his decision. He said he knew it was irrational and that he would need my help. I asked what he needed from me but he said he didn't know. So I just tried to stay supportive and relatively upbeat.

Yesterday, he finished cleaning out the small stuff and cleaned carpets and counters. It's officially done. He has no place to run now. However, we did discuss the fact that if he REALLY feels like he needs a place to run, he can stay in a hotel. We may try and set up a "man cave" type of room but that may not be enough solitude when he's feeling really anxious.

This has been a tough week. It's funny your perspective on things. I remember when he moved out last March, I was sure there was a way we'd work it out and he'd move back. I was sure it would be by summer, even though it seemed like a long time. Summer came and I began to truly understand and appreciate the situation I was in. I realized he may never come back. Then in October, he decides he wants to move back. I'm excited. Then he says he has his apartment until March and will keep it until then. I remember how long that sounded. Having to wait so long. Then March came and he still had concerns and extended his lease a bit longer. Now here we are in May. He's been gone for over a year. And I can't help but wonder if he's come back too soon? I considered saying no, but in the end, I decided against it. This is HIS decision to make. I know I will be OK although it will be difficult. But he knows that this decision was entirely his and his alone. Therefore, any consequences of it are squarely on his shoulders. Any attempts on my part to tell him what he should and shouldn't do could be seen as controlling on my part so I opted not to. Time will tell what happens. For now, I'll focus on his birthday tomorrow. He doesn't seem enthused about it but I'll make a cake and either take him to dinner or make him a dinner. I was stumped about what to get him. Something mushy isn't appropriate. Lingerie is a bit extreme. He's a techy and has all the toys imaginable. So I found a 5 year journal where you answer just a simple question every day. Then next year, you answer the same question on the same page and can look back and see how you may have changed. I figure given the tenuous nature of his psyche, it may help him get some perspective. I hope he likes it.