I think that is the part that I am stuck on. H hade never once made a complaint about our marriage or me. I had even asked him directly time to time (knowing I wasn't perfect).
Possibly passive aggressive. Don't know, but sounds like it. Are you sure he didn't say or show any signs? Dig deeper. Not calling you a liar, but there is usually some signs when you really look into it.
Originally Posted By: canadianMrs.
After the bomb I got busy DBing. I got a DB coach, got a life and read a pile of books. I got informed. I knew our marriage wasn't perfect and I worked hard to fix it at my end.
Good for you! Shows that through all of this you KNEW you had to take the high road. My question is did you see what you did wrong? Can you admit it? Even if it's admitted can you accept the fact that you can only control your part and that as bad as it is, he had a choice too? MLC is crazy train. You can endure it, but when you get "aware" of your issues; you somehow find yourself in a mercy standpoint. It's ok, but with MLC, it comes down to fixing everything you can, taking an opportunity to really evaluate YOU and use your gift of time to heal and become a better person than you ever were. When you like what you see...it's really ez to "Set em free".
Originally Posted By: canadianMrs.
H said he was tryng but I saw mostly MLC behavior. I asked if there was OW and he denied and denied. He turned it around to me having trust issues. H did suggest MC. He did seem to be trying. Now I know his trying was him trying to divert my attention from his affair.
Literally a mirror image of my Wife. I mean EXACTLY word for word. In their world it's "Ok". From your sitch, mine, and countless others its the same old story. I will say this, It's their journey...you can't fix, control, or manipulate their process. My question to you is are you angry about this or do you feel bad for him? I personally have experienced both, but now I just feel bad for her. I accept that I can't do anything about it and my life at this point is more important. That's why fixing US(the LBS's)is so important. If they never come out of this, we have to accept that and be able to move on. What's cool is you can move on. I had to feel loss and pain to look within, maybe they do too. In fact not maybe, they HAVE too.
Originally Posted By: canadianMrs.
I'm mad because I know this could have been fixed but we never really got a chance. H never even tried to fight for his family. Something I never would have dreamed about him.
WOW. There's a familiar sound in that one for me. I completely understand your feelings on this one. In fact, this is one of two things that took me the longest to get over. This is LBS script. I still am in awe at my Wifes choices. I mean, I had alot of issues, but not enough to sacrifice the things I held dear, but that's me. ALL me...in fact probably you too. The way I look at it, you are here and I am here...why? Because they don't think like us. They can't and they won't until the 'fog' clears. Could be tomorrow could be 10 years from now. The important thing is, you let them go. Don't spitefully be mean to them(but if yours behaves as bad as mine and attacks - Defend yourself) put a wall up and let go. Let them feel your loss. I believe if you truly look at yourself in the most un-selfish way, know what YOU would do differently, and live the way you should have...then they will notice. Key thing here is YOU, not to get them to notice.
IMHO, they have to go through with this. My relationship in hindsight was Toxic. Yours might not have been...but we still have the same identical choice...If we have done the work and are able to look in the mirror and move on, should we?
I did, but no one can/could tell me too. Same with you. I can guarantee you I have more regrets from the whole relationship than I will ever have by letting go and moving on. Might not be the same for you, but you will know when you're ready. I hope this helps you.
