He has left me AGAIN!

[Tipper]

Ok, listen to this one:

H left me 2 weeks ago today for the 3rd time in 4 yrs.

He text me (again) tonight : "Are you mad at me?".

I finally got the kahunees to say in a respectful way: "No, I believe you have an illness of alcoholism and it is best that I let go so that I dont get dragged, if you ever want any help - I will be here for you".

Immediately he text childishly/cockishly back: "your right about the illness part, I have worked to not let it get the best of me, I cant and will not answer to any person".

I didnt respond. So he text back again:"We DO have to let go, I dont want to lose you" and then again: "Good Night, Tipper".

After my phone was done blowing up - I responded: "I will always be here for you, Good night".

I can tell he was pissed off by the quick response of the texts, and because the truth hurts. He is so in denial, but I know that if we are ever going to have a healthy happy marriage - he needs to face his alcohol problem and try to heal.

I have read in the a.a. book it is good to caringly and respectfully plant the seed in there head that they need to get help.

I really hope I did just that. I know his parents said the same thing to him last week. He refuses to listen, but I know it is going to make him think.

Did I do the right thing??? I didnt mean to piss him off, but I probably did!
TIPPER

[25yearsmlc]

I'm not clear on what you are 2nd guessing and what your goal is.

You told him he's an alcoholic and that you'd be there for him...so you don't want to do an intervention b/c you don't want to give an ultimatum? And surely he's been told before that he has a drinking problem, but has done nothing about it? And he's left you before, repeatedly, then returned home and nothing else changed? So he leaves again?

So, what's different now? I mean the AA books say the "definition of insanity is repeating the same behaviors but expecting a different result"...

So what's different this time? And what are YOU doing for YOU?

There's a good book called "Co-dependent No More" you might like.
Good luck

[beatrice]

Tipper, you asked about boundaries. Now my h has never really wanted to come back, so I am perhaps not the best person to be talking to you. He has occasionally talked the talk but never walked the walk.

I decided that the most important thing was that I recover, and live my life, and to do that I could not have him in my life, so I went totally dark. I learned to live without him. It was and is hard, but it is better for me. I am not destablised by contact from someone who is essentially crazy, as far as I am concerned. Doesn't matter what others think. I am working hard on forgiveness, and I am certainly not bitter. The thing that concerns me most is the damage my xh has inflicted on his children, and that is immense. But as I have posted elsewhere, I got one of the very very mean MLCers.

Forgiveness is not the same as being available to them. I do not understand why you text back and forth. Where is it getting you? Let him go totally. Go dark, not to punish him, but to heal and protect yourself.

I tried telling my xh when he asked, that I thought he needed help. It is a huge mistake. Until your H realises he has a problem stay away from him. I could be wrong but I think you may have co-dependency issues - most partners of alcoholics do - that you need to resolve, and you won't even begin to address these fully while you are still dipping a toe in the water of contact with your h. Sorry if this is tough, but you did ask. And like I said, my boundaries did not bring my h back, but I can now see that restoration of the marriage is not the main point with MLC. It is surviving ourselves. We cannot help them.

[Tipper]

Beatrice and Canadianmrs:
Thanks for responding to me. I just picked up the "co-dependent no more book from the library last week.However, I have not got into it yet, due to reading the a.a. book and alanon literature. But I will get to it soon.

I agree with so much you have said, and I dont take offense to it. I have been hearing so much crap about the things H has been doing, and I just dont even want any part of him right now.

I am finally opening my eyes to how poorly my H has treated me, and I just dont want to live like that again.

The things I am doing different this time are:
-going to alanon
-after h threatened to leave - I said "here let me help ya" (unlike last time when I begged him to stay/return)
-I am understanding that H has a real alcohol problem instead of denying it like I did for so long (I thought before that H was just MLC, but I think the drink has brought him to a MLC now).
-I am letting him go, and HE KNOWS IT - (last time I said I was, but deep down I was always checking on him, being nice, taking him back with no real boundaries), now I know for a fact I dont want him back unless if he made some real changes that were proven to me.
-I am only responding to his texts that he sends to me: I dont text him anymore. I am most likely going to stop responding really soon after I tell him to get his crap out of my Place. He only left two wks ago and we do have some buisness to take care of in terms of seperation, so I cant help but talk to him about that stuff soon.
-Still GALing as I always have done. I only have one week night a week that I dont have activities planned that get me out in the world.
-This time, I am not so weak - I do feel much stronger and that I would be much better off with out him currently. Last time, I was so blind, and I just kept hoping and praying that he would return.
-I am no longer going to let him walk all over me, I am demanding respect.

Tonight, I went out to 80's themed party and had a blast. I did not cry when people asked where my H was, I told them the truth with strength and courage. I got hit on by about 3 guys and they gave me so many compliments, More than I have gotten from my H in the whole past year. It made me feel good, It made me feel like I do have a lot going for me, It built up my self esteem and confidence. It was a great night, and I didnt have a drop to drink, I laughed and had fun and felt a little more like the old tipper.

This is all really scary to me, because for the first time ever, I can really see myself wanting more than what my H could give. I can finally see how Michelle W.D. says in her books that it is usually up to the LBS to decide on whether or not they want the MLCer back. Currently - I DONT!!!!
TIPPER

[Tipper]

Oh NO,
H text me last night. He said He is going to file the papers and to not waist the money on an attourney, our M is dead and that He loves me as a friend.

I didnt respond. I cryed histerically. I went to my parents house to break the news. He kept texting when I got there. I didnt respond to any of the texts. He said He has been crying a lot and does not know what to do. He said he loves me so much. He said we have to let go of the M, and this is final and he is sorry.

Then he text back again, and said : ok, so I will hold off on the paper work crap.

Then he tried calling me and I couldnt pick up becuase I was histerical crying and did not want to.

Then he text on accident (probably becuase he was drunk) to a friend saying "there a police song called king of pain, lols buddy - we will be ok". I didnt understand that text,so I think it was meant for someone else.

Then today he asked if he could come ask me some questions. I said, I am very busy today and I am not ready to talk yet and maybe try again in a few weeks.

I dont know what to do. I dont want a D, but I dont want to live the way I was either. I am so confused.

Why is he jumping the gun so fast this time. He just really must not love me at all. I am a freaking mess. All this after having the best year of our lives together in 2009 piecing our M back together. What should I do. I need advise Please.
TIPPER

[25yearsmlc]

Tipper,

Read your post of saturday the 14th and then today's. Your attitude WAS that you were waking up to how badly he has been treating you. In fact you did not want to live like this again and you did not want him this way...

Fast forward 2 days and he SAYS he's filing and you are in a full blown panic of terror. WHY?
B/C he is leaving you?? Oh...well then, that's just your ego talking. Stop panicking and really read your post of Saturday's. Nothing has changed since then. Except he's trying to turn the tables on you. LET HIM.

Let him go, so he can get healthy or not. But you are not going anywhere good if you continue this crazy unhealthy roller coaster. You must hurry to read Co-Dependent No More b/c you are a symbol of codependence AND enabling in a big way.

Do you have a counselor? Please get one. The change in tone of those two posts when the only "event" that happened was his claim to want to file, is so telling. What a great example of his pulling all the strings and you letting him just 48 hours after you SEEM to be "getting it"...and you let your fears insert so much planning and thought into this claim of his, as if he's sober and thoughtful. He's not. He's sick and drunk and manipulative.

So, what are you doing DIFFERENTLY THIS TIME???

Don't revert so fast. It's alarming.

[Tipper]

THanks 25.
I needed to hear that. After 2 days of crying histerically in panick and fear, I have reread that post from the 14th and went to another alanon meeting tonight. And I am getting back to the understanding I had at that time. I agree that he is so drunk, manipulative, and confused. I was just heartbroken. I had to cry.

I am going to read the rest of the co-dependent no more book (I am on ch. 3 now). It is me to the 'T'. I know it. I will try to apply what the rest of the book says. I just have to get through reading it. I plan to have it read and my responses ready for him before we end up talking (probably next week).

I know its alarming how different the two posts above were. I understand. I am starting to gain my perspective back, I just need to get the strength to go through with this talk we are going to have in the soon-future.

I am trying to pull myself together and get some responses in my head/on paper ready to be able to give in response to my H's questions he has.

I am sure he is going to ask me to sign papers of some sort(seperation, Divorce, ect...) and I am sure he is going to want to know when he can get his stuff.

I am getting prepared to tell him:
-I am sorry you feel that way.
-I do not want a D, but I do not want to live with you while you are drinking at the bars everynight.
-I am going to alanon to help myself heal. Its an awakening to all the things I had done in the past months to try and control your drinking and I understand Those things did not work out for me. I am learning to let go and follow the path God chooses for me.
-I think we need to take this time apart with out any quick harsh rash decisions being made just yet. Let time heal us one way or another.
-Can you pay me 200$ a month for garage rental or remove your constuction stuff.
-Can you have your stuff out of the house by June.
-I apologize for trying to "fix" you in the past, I now see my part in our break down.

Is there anything you think I should not say from the above list?
Or am I on the right track for now?
Thank you so much 25 for leveling me out. I admit - I panicked. I feel I am already in a better place after getting my tears out.
THANKS, Cant wait to here your advice. I really respect it!!!
TIPPER

[WCW]

tipper, IMO your list is long and wordy. Less is more.

Don't make it about you.

Validate that you understand his feelings and needs. That is not the same as saying you agree with him.

[KEE]

Tipper,
My h sounds very much like yours. He left me and filed for a d the third time. We did not have anything to split up, but I did get a lawyer but never attended any court dates. I always told him it was his divorce and not what I wanted. He came back a year later, begging me to re- marry me. Then he left me again for the fourth time. As much as I wanted him in my life, I have just realized that I wasted a big part of my life waiting for him to wake up. I know a divorce is hard but it really does not make it over sometimes. Just take care of you.Kee

[25yearsmlc]

Tipper,

What's to sign? Nothing til you have a L review it. But do you honestly think he'll file AND have an agreement written up all ready for you to sign, soon? I'd bet not. No way...FYI "filing" does NOT include a prepared settlement agreement so don't assume that being served is some huge decision making process. It's not. It's you getting notified that your spouse wants to dissolve the marriage. That's all. The rest is going to be "pending" or worked out under separate agreement. Without children, it's all about property and asset division. NONE of this is something to worry about NOW.

You are over reacting to (fears of) some "big pending R/Div talk" that will be much less than you fear. Maybe Plan for him getting his stuff, and that's all I'd assume at this point, and that's IF he wants his stuff AND has a place for it.

I have a feeling you've used lots of words in the past, so he'll pay little attention to them. You should Expect little to no reaction from him, to what you SAY.

What you have to DO, is an action. So, less talk, more action.

Keep working on getting well. Life is in session, and you don't want to miss anymore of it.