When life hands you lemons add alcohol and stir!

[mishka422]

We are spending a whole day together tomorrow. he took a day off work just so that he could be home with me on my day off. We plan to go for a walk around the lake in the morning and then he is taking me to breakfast and a movie (which he suggested and he isn't fond of movies like I am) which shocked the heck out of me because he suggested "Bridesmaids". That is at least part chick flick isn't it? It looks hysterically funny though and very Hangover-like so it should be fun.

I'm thinking that on our walk I'm going to bring up some of the issues I am having and I'll just have to hope he doesn't leave me at the lake. Fingers crossed.

I know I have a choice. I know I'm scared...no...make that petrified. I am NOT good at voicing my feelings especially to Gabe. I'm so non-confrontational that the thought of talking this out with him makes my heart nearly jump out of my chest. It's terrifying.

Wii, you ask if I can continue to live as Ms. happy happy joy joy when I don't feel that way. The short answer is yes. Yes I can. I've done it for about 25 years now. It's become me and it's something I don't believe I can shed.

K, you ask a good question. What deprives me of my 'right' to expect anything from Gabe? Yes, we've told each other "I love you", we live together, and we parent together. We share just about everything and you would think that would make me comfortable enough to speak openly with him. Nope. My brain doesn't work that way.

You said that even after a 1 month R with a boyfriend that I should feel free to speak openly. There has been so much damage that can't be reversed. I learned something from all of this experience and that lesson was "just shut up and suck it up sunshine." Everyone's life is awful, there is no way around that, it is what it is. No one in RL wants or needs to hear about it and when you eventually break and spill they run. That is what comes of being too open and speaking what you feel. Asking for what you need really isn't any better. This is what I've experienced.

All of the above sounds insane. You don't have to tell me or rail at me about it. You think I don't know that? Trust me, I know. I'm so happy for people who are so well adjusted and are able to speak up. Those are the people who succeed and go on to live much more fulfilling lives and have great R's and future M's. I couldn't be happier for all of you who are able to do that. It gives me faith in the ability of the human spirit to heal and thrive. I'm glad that my reality is mine alone. I wouldn't wish living inside my head on ANYONE!!!!!

OK.....enough of this crap!

I did something super fun yesterday. Those of you who are friends on FB should check it out on my wall. I participated in a "Zumba flash mob" at the "Taste of Fayette". I posted a link to the YouTube video from it. There were approximately 120-150 people that participated. The funniest part was seeing the looks on the people's faces that were trapped in the middle of the mob. Too funny!!!!!!!