Immaturity or MLC it's the same to me. I call it MLC because she has expressed before that she is halfway to 50 and feels that she has wasted half her life. Like young at heart has said many girls at 25 nowadays feel that their life will run out at 50 so freak out at 25. Like many MLC she has created an unreasonable bucket list, of "young" things she wants to do. Not all of the items are unreasonable, but she definitely is that state of mind where she no longer knows what she wants out of life. Immaturity works too, it's just that she USED to be very mature. That's why I fell in love. Whatever it is, I don't like it.
Ok So in an attempt to learn more I tried seeing if other people were in my sitch. I was very shocked to find a couple of threads were women had the same complaint as my W. "my husband is great, I'm just not attracted". All these women sounded exactly like my wife. In fact the way most described their husbands they are great people, gentle, loving, caring, good providers, yet no spark.
All these husbands sounded like they were mr nice guys, great the epidemic is spreading. All these guys sounded great but the women had no spark. Ironically many fantasized about other men, and felt very bad and guilty about it. (my W just happens to have both sexes to fantasize about).
Most of these women sounded very distraught, and stressed out about these feelings. Many mentioned the spark used to be there, but they have no clue what happened. The Oprah forum was the most frustrating one, all the women here seemed extremely distressed, but none of them seemed interested in a solution. All the women there just validated each others feelings, and NO ONE tried to suggest any solutions. (something's I'll just never understand).
The most interesting part was that they all have ssm and it's not because they don't want it. They really do! They just can't bring themselves to telling their husbands the truth. All these husbands think their W's are LD when they are really HD!!!!
These women claim to be LD but only do it for the sake of their marriage. Most are actually annoyed by their H's attempts at ML.
It seems the only difference between these women and my W is that mine is at least honest (and cruel) enough to let me know. Ok so what does that mean?
A. Maybe a sizable portion of hd/LD marriages are actually unattracted hd/hd like mine. Techniques that work for hd/ld are actually treating unattracted hd/hd issues.
B. Maybe hd/LD techniques will work in my sitch because they address the same issues present in my sitch.
As MWD said she fell in love with me for a reason (this applies to ml too). Just need to help her rediscover it. Most of these women, who report super wanting their men in the past can't understand what happened, their husbands are unfortunately clueless because they won't be honest. I felt bad for most of these men since you could tell they were WAW's in the making, but could not communicate their needs to their H's .
Finally I cannot stress enough how clearly these women subconciously projected their disgust at their mr nice guy H. All the men were wonderful Husbands, and loving fathers, just not sexually attractive. Reminds me of my situation, and my constant struggle with changing this dynamic. All these women (to include mine) want lovers, not best friends. All these guys along with myself need to stop being the "safe" guy.
The "Exact same complaint" as your w? Hmm. Okay GB. If you think the only difference is that your w is "honest", I disagree. I want you to be happy, so I have to think, "in the LONG RUN, what will GB be alright with?"
The sex that other couples with a LD/HD problem have (or as you say, are just are not attracted to their spouses) is sex that does more than a physical release. And I just read up some there and many women DO have drops in their libido. (After our last child, I did. Inexplicable, but it came back).
Did any of them think that NOT having sex with their spouses was fine, indefinitely? Did they also want to have sex with other people, WHILE NOT having sex with their own spouses? Did they say the types of things your w says? Did they also hold their h's responsible for them being bored?
Did they ask their h's to leave the room so they could go back into their bedroom to take care of themselves, threaten to become prostitutes, or leave, every other fight?
Look I am sorry GB. I really am sorry. And I'm not going to say you don't have a point GB, okay? Maybe you do. Seems to me that what you are really saying is you want to find reasons to stay with her. And that's fine.
IF that's what you want, you'll find reasons to stay. Just like she'll find reasons to complain every time she's moody, or angry, or wants to leave.
But I guess, I just don't buy it. I mean sure, maybe there is ONE similarity maybe, but there are a lot of things that are unique to your w. I've been here off and on since '06. Never saw a woman deny her own h, WHILE also wanting OPs, and telling him all this in the ways she does, expecting him to just take this, inside a marriage where the h is the sole breadwinner and she's jobless, living off him, with no kids, with a pending move over seas SO SHE CAN LIVE ON HER OWN???? Sure, of course it might be a bluff GB, but what a bluff!! wth? Who says stuff like this?? Who feels entitled to support from a man to whom shes giving so little? I KNOW SHE CAN BE "nice" to you. If those minutes are enough, then you have your answer.
I'd want to hear a thank you for how you earned an assignment that would bring you to a cool place like wherever you're headed. But Nope, you just get blamed for where you are now and how bored SHE is.
Sorry but I think she's going to have to think she might lose you, to treat you better. If it's important to you, you'll do something about it. If not, you'll be alright with those "nice minutes". But just so I know I'm not missing something, your w was once very sexually attracted to you, or does she now say she was faking? I mean, what does she say changed?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yeah the wives I read about did want to have sex with other people besides their H's but most did not want to come forward with it. IN FACT a lot of them just said they were going to seek D, rather than work it out or tell their H's about these feelings. I'm not trying to say my W is better than them, as you have said she has been atrocious at times. At least I feel I know the real reason I have a SSM, knowing the truth gives me a better chance than the poor guys that are about to become LBS's.
she's never said she's faked it, instead she says that it got boring repetitive, uninteresting.
Instead she complains that she needs "newness". That the Cause of her sex problems is not a lack of an emotional connection, or years of sub-par sex (caused by the migraine medication she was on), but just a lack of new and exciting partners.
I see this as just another part of her crazy mlc/immaturity. Her lack of appreciation for what she truly does have. The sex is just one facet, she appreciates NOTHING she has, and dreams of what she doesn't have thinking it will make things better. MORE CLOTHES, TRIPS, MOVIES, SEX PARTNERS, ETC. all an attempt to fill a hole she has and can't realize she already has what she needs. I guess you could also say she has an open relationship with her closet, and with her entertainment itinerary. NOTHING IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH, she always wants something new.
God I read how you describe the sitch, and it just boils my blood. Only because I know you are right....
I want to give her a chance to snap out of it, I worry that going overseas will make things exponentially harder if I end things, so she can "learn to appreciate me". Instead I am trying to take a more gradual approach. I guess it's not working as I thought.
She's always talking about needing more time....GAH I hate that about WAW's
Now about the few blissful seconds, those second's used to be YEARS. We spent years together being happy loving each other, and appreciating what we had both materially and in each other. I just want my old life back....
I asked her a few days ago, if she ever felt like you don't know what you want in life? Her response was "all the time". As I said before she is confused and majorly WAWing....
As you have said before her behavior is completely outrageous. 30% of that is because as you have said before she has some issues she needs to work on. The other 70% is because I have let it happen.
My main DB goal now is to NOT let it happen anymore. To call her out, when she is rude, and mean, to not get drawn into a fight, to not feel like I am her personal entertainment coordinator. To enjoy MY OWN LIFE, and let her fester in hers if she choose to.
I don't mean to make your blood boil. I just want you to come up with a plan that gets GB to being happy, with or without her.
That's what ALL the lbsers want, to have our happiness in our own hands. In your sitch, you are also thinking about being a WAS, which is sort of harder.
Once overseas, what obligations do you have to her vis a vis the military? If you split up do you have to pay her move back or does the military? I can't recall. I just don't want you to feel "stuck" either way. Can she hurt your career? (I don't know what your rank or specialty is).
sigh...sorry buddy. I just don't know what to tell you.
I think you making a plan FOR YOU, makes the most sense. And if there's a chance of her working on things, I'm guessing it'll be the idea of losing you. I don't see her "awakening" otherwise, and she might not at all anyhow.
I'm not into games but DB says go ahead and be mysterious, and set some dang limits, CALMLY, always calmly. It projects strength. In fact if she raises her voice, you lower yours. I'm telling you it can be very empowering to remain in control, when someone else is losing theirs. (( hugs ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm no guru, but I do not see 'detaching' as a physical thing, it is an emotional thing. Getting out of the house and GALing. Good thing.
Doing your own thing around the house. Good thing.
But this is not detaching. GAL helps you detach, but it's not the same thing.
I think the best way I heard it explained is that you detach from the R, not from your W. It doesn't mean you don't care. It doesn't mean you don't love your W anymore. What it means is tht you realize the current state of the R is not healthy for YOU. That the R creates negatives, not positives. So with that realization, you detach from in. You stop letting the things she does or say get you down. You reduce the hurt that you feel. You also take the positives in stride. You recognize them, but you do not over react to them.
Also, detaching is a process, it does not happen overnight. Expect backslides, but keep pushing yourself forward.
Like I said, GAL is a big part in helping you detach. I know you complain about the small town you live in and that there is nothing to do. Here is a list. I expect many/most of these things are available anywhere.
Biking Running Gym Softball League Basketball league Book club Church Billiards Bowling Online college courses Music classes Art classes Swimming Crafts Volunteering Golf Horseback riding Photography Ceramics Pottery Gardening Cooking
And I am sure so much more.
No excuses.
Action.
And 25 made a great point.
It is not your responsibility to keep W entertained. It's time to take care of yourself. I'm not saying ignore her. Be kind and friendly, yet strong and confident.
But right now your W is not treating you well. If you don't take care of yourself, no one will.
Be good!
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Countrystrong Thanks for the LONG list of activities. As I had said before with less than a month before my move it's a little disheartening to get most of those started. I did on the other hand pick up a cable I needed to re-start learning how to play the guitar my W was very skeptical, but who cares right?!
As for me going WAS well I feel it sometimes, I just try to funnel that negative energy to do positive things like remind myself that I deserve respect.
I'm trying to find that balance between reinforcing her good loving behavior, and discouraging her bad ones. Just today there was a little instance I think I handled well. In the end she came to me and apologized. That's kinda rare around here and it's nice to see that she is increasingly owning up to her own ugly behavior. Hopefully this will lead to reductions too. It definitely is a change from when I used to end up getting blamed for everything.
Overall I really do feel that we are making progress in all areas except when it comes to ml, but as young at heart said that area comes last and can only be approached once everything else is in order.
Countrystrong Thanks for the LONG list of activities. As I had said before with less than a month before my move it's a little disheartening to get most of those started. I did on the other hand pick up a cable I needed to re-start learning how to play the guitar my W was very skeptical, but who cares right?!
As for me going WAS well I feel it sometimes, I just try to funnel that negative energy to do positive things like remind myself that I deserve respect.
I'm trying to find that balance between reinforcing her good loving behavior, and discouraging her bad ones. Just today there was a little instance I think I handled well. In the end she came to me and apologized. That's kinda rare around here and it's nice to see that she is increasingly owning up to her own ugly behavior. Hopefully this will lead to reductions too. It definitely is a change from when I used to end up getting blamed for everything.
Overall I really do feel that we are making progress in all areas except when it comes to ml, but as young at heart said that area comes last and can only be approached once everything else is in order.
Not to quibble, b/c I LOVE this post of yours, but ML can assist many couples in connecting. I KNOW for you guys that is not in the equation yet, but for many couples, ML helps the r and doesn't come AFTER everything else but is like, a "lubricant" for everything else. hmm how else to word this...I mean that you shouldn't have to have all the stars in alignment to be able to show your love physically. That's all. Great post GB, good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I agree whole heartedly with your comment, I used to call our ml window tighter than a space shuttle launch. I agree in that it should not be stringent, but I'm pretty sure everyone can tell we are not there yet.
I agree with 25, this is the most positive post I've read from you. Keep pushing forward!
I don't know who will agree with me on this point, but I don't really see all of this as getting to a spot and then feeling like we are done. We did it.
It's a journey. A process. We need to just continue to move forward.
You WILL do things you regret. You WILL make mistakes.
Learn from them and move forward.
That's what it's all about.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
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