My sons prayer.....

[25yearsmlc]

I met with MIL and H on the weekend. MIL started by asking H and I to state one issue regarding parenting of S3.

Just parenting...okay...


In turn I stated that I felt it was unfair that H was not consistent with the days that he was coming over to see S3. He got to pick and choose


This is NOT really about parenting...but more like a chance to blame him for "other" issues...and pretend it's about s3. Hmmm, food for thought.

which days he would come over and he was always late or cancelled. I could see that he was a little annoyed by this and he tried to reason that he had a busy work schedule. Of course we didnt resolve this issue. But at least I got to say how I felt.

He was annoyed. Guilting a spouse usually backfires. Guilt is easily converted into anger at the source of the guilt. Particularly men get angry, so the guilt is actually counter productive. I mean, if you want a recon, he needs to be able to be comfortable with you, at least to discuss s3. Instead, he's annoyed--AND he's not annoyed b/c he thinks you are right...


Then MIL asked H and I to state one thing that bothered us about the situation we are in. H took a long time before he answered. At least 5 minutes of silence. My patience kicked in at this point

way to go with the patience...but why that question? isn't the issue for you, the OW? Isn't that obvious?

- normally I would have interrupted and said look dont worry about it. But I stayed calm. H then stated that he felt uncomfortable seeing me dressed in my "new clothes". ......... He said that one of the tops I was wearing was inapproapriate as he could see my "pink" bra. H stated that I never dressed like this before and he stated that he didnt like it. I became a bit defensive. I did backslide as I went into justification mode. He noticed this and got agitated. .....So I did not get to say what bothered me about the situation. It was a good thing really because I think enough had been said.

What? Excuse me? Your h is w OW, correct? Um, then, he's in no position to judge you or what you wear, outside the presence of your s3...it's not as if you wore this to a parent teacher conference.

OTOH, this was a chance to do a 180 and CALMLY point out that you find it ironic that he'd feel as if he was in a position to comment on ANY of your extracurriculars, etc. So, why did you get defensive? I think I'd have laughed if my h was w/OW, & thought he had ANYTHING to say about what I was wearing.

Seriously, I think I'd have absolutely NOT shown any anger. Try to be amused at his childish double standards ( any dolt with half a brain would see it, if they weren't so self absorbed)...Sounds like a jealous h, with an unjustified sense of entitlement to comment upon your clothing and attire...wth? Does he have amnesia? Am I missing something in your sitch?

I might have told MIL, "i appreciate your genuine concern but for goodness's sake, under the circumstances, I hardly think what I wear is any of his business & I am not inviting feedback on my acitivities. Now Can we get back to our son??"

Then steer the conversation back. That way you aren't whining or critisizing, you are setting a boundary and you aren't even naming OW as a problem, it's just implicitly obvious. And for the record, He is NOT entitled to comment on a thing you do at this point...


I didnt feel good about the meeting. MIL said that she thought it went well because H opened up and stated how he felt which he never does. I get what she is saying but it felt like it didnt achieve much. What do you think?


At some level, You had expectations and hopes, and that's a mistake. I don't think I'd have another MIL meeting. I give her credit for sounding concerned and trying, but she's just not the person for YOU to go to for help. Besides, she'll still talk to her son. What would YOU get out of meeting with her?

Hey, someday if there's a real chance for recon, and she knows, she will tell you. Or she'll send out a probe. But for now a little mystery is in order. Mystery with tact. So avoid her when it comes to you GAL. Nothing thrown in h's face or he'll assume you are trying to manipulate him.

Also I got a little dissapointed when I found out that H wasnt coming to S3 soccer game.

Expectations again...Lower them please. You'll set yourself AND s3 up for disappointment. Just remember that when he DOES show up, you applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does do. I know that's hard...like Mother Teresa hard. But fact is, if he feels guilt or shame or thinks YOU want him to, he'll avoid your company like the plague AND feel vindicated for leaving b/c you will be fueling his negative images of you by complaining or criticizing. You know, the negative justifications he used to leave you. Don't add to them. Make sense?

Instead he was going to some dance class with OW. He could tell that I was upset. Which he told MIL about. H said that he felt he didnt have much free time so he should get to do what he wants when he gets it.

How'd you know where he was going? How'd he know you were upset? Oh, you showed him...Lose the anger in front of him at least...

DB says do NOT show the anger to them. No one wants to come home to an angry LBSer...you must lose the anger ( preferably for real) at least in front of him. But, btw,
He comments on what you wear, but wants HIS TIME WITH OW to be his own business...No hypocritical double standards? Really? That's laughable...

Over the weekend Ive been thinking alot. I finally got a copy of the DR book. It made a lot of sense. And after reading it I came to the conclusion that I need to do the LRT. That means no more going out with H & S. No more family time. The truth is we are not a family anymore. H has chosen to be with OW and not me. This hit me quite hard on the weekend and I was quite upset by some of the realisations of the situation.

You are not an intact family, that's true. But your son has 2 parents who love him.
I'm so Glad you have the book. Read it twice before you make any choices. I say this b/c SOMETIMES people make choices based on anger, or a desire to "teach spouse a lesson" or "show them the consequences of their choices", etc. and it's really just anger dictating under the guise of some "lesson taught" whereas my My DB coach said it's NOT OUR JOB TO DO TEACH LESSONS OR CONSEQUENCES, LIFE WILL DO THAT...

You might want to reconsider the LRT only b/c "No family time" sounds punitive, AND couldn't you argue that time together as a family, if it were fun, warm, loving, kind and forgiving, would demonstrate to him that you CAN forgive and that the Road Home is Paved and Smooth...?? If you are not together, will he take s3 out with OW? How will you feel about that?

I mean if you cannot forgive him, or if he thinks you'll hold the A over his head like the sword of Damacles, then there's no hope really. It's a big reason that some couples who might want to reconcile, don't . The WAS thinks the LBSer won't/can't forgive and sometimes the LBSer gives them cause for believing that. Understand?

Ive become so much more independent. I have come to understand that no matter what happens I will be ok. H use to tell me that he use to worry that if we ever broke up that I would not be ok. The truth is the person I was in the marriage wouldnt have been ok. But the person I am becoming now is going to be ok. I still have alot of work to do on myself. I have many more goals to achieve and thats what I need to work on.

THIS IS GREAT STUFF RED, really love seeing this type of insight and confidence.

At this present time I still think way too much about my situation and about H. I really hope that time will heal my wounds and make me stronger
. I know that I also need to work on them. I am standing for my marriage but I am also moving on for myself. I am letting go for both H and myself.

Absolutely good attitude to have. You'll have some backward steps, but if your overall progress is forward, you'll be a better woman for all this. And your son will have such a great role model for a woman of dignity and grace. Good for you. Keep it up. READ and RE-Read the DB/DR books...Keep on keeping on.