MLC or Life Crisis is Real

[FaithnAK]

I question, but not judge...I question AM I READY?

You will be ready when you no longer need to ask yourself that question.

But I don't know.

Then you are not but that's just my opinion.

Heya Eric it has been awhile Bro. Good to hear from you!

All I can say is I don't have to ask anymore. It was moment of reflection that I needed to post and see if someone could hit me hard enough to TEST me.

You guys rock and I wouldn't be where I'm at if it wasn't for each and everyone of you.

All I can say is that I have the tools to be the best me possible and I'm not going to look back. I'm not passing up opportunity anymore; and since I will be facing my "Nice Guy" tendencies for the rest of my life, I'm going to step to that edge of fear and face it everyday. Starting 6 days ago

[ericmsant2]

Faith

You guys rock and I wouldn't be where I'm at if it wasn't for each and everyone of you.

Right back at ya!

I'm going to step to that edge of fear and face it everyday.

Good for YOU.

Party at casa d' Santos...let me know if your interested.

[canadianMrs.]

Thanks Faith. I'm 7 months into the MLC, and 6 weeks since our separation. For the most part I keep moving forward, even though part of me wants to hold on to H and my family. I'm not even sure I want H for myself, maybe more for my kids. I'm trying really hard to shake that feeling, because the rational part of me knows H can't give us what we need....and to let him go.
Your words just helped to clarify that moving forward without H is the right direction.

[FaithnAK]

Hello candaianMrs.

What's the phrase...
"Fake it til ya make it"

I had trouble faking it, so I took the thoughts head on.

You're thoughts and feelings just will not go away until you face them and control them. If you are still feeling conflicted, then just keep examining each and everyone of them until you come to a conclusion. All I can say is you will know when you are done.

When you live for you and YOUR future and let go of the past and of the one whom you CANNOT control; Life just gets better.

My 50% of my failed marriage has been owned. Lots of mistakes made and I found the reasons behind everyone of them; Then came the grieving and wallowing in my own personal failures (woe woe woe is me); Then came the point of how can I make this better? Oh, I'll change, one day at a time, but DAMN it I will change; Then came the brutal reality my Marriage is over; wallow and reflect more(lots of this); Then came the reality: She may never find herself ever, and even if she did, she might just come to the same conclusion as I did...The Relationship overall was TOXIC.

Now, I've been divorced for 5 months(legally; but much much longer in reality) and I can sit and wait; or I can move on and begin a new life. I choose without regret, new life. If she pops back in, Maybe, I'll address her as a new relationship, maybe I won't, but it's my choice.

All I can say is this past Friday, my bar as to what I want out of my life and who I shall share it with just got set pretty high (No J3B, I don't expect perfection). This was just one experience, I know there's more out there.

The most important thing I can say...Is I had to go thru Hell to get where I am now. In hindsight, I'm thankful she did what she did, because if she hadn't I'd still probably be F'd up.

Thank you Ex. Sincerely.

P.s. TO ANYONE who is just flat stuck. Get up and get to the Gym, I procrastinated this off and on for a long time. If you can do it, you will really feel good about yourself. Cool part is...EVERYONE will notice. Most importanly YOU will.

[canadianMrs.]

My 50% of my failed marriage has been owned. Lots of mistakes made and I found the reasons behind everyone of them; Then came the grieving and wallowing in my own personal failures (woe woe woe is me); Then came the point of how can I make this better?

I think that is the part that I am stuck on. When I got "the bomb" back in the fall I was shocked. H hade never once made a complaint about our marriage or me. I had even asked him directly time to time (knowing I wasn't perfect). After the bomb I got busy DBing. I got a DB coach, got a life and read a pile of books. I got informed. I knew our marriage wasn't perfect and I worked hard to fix it at my end. I looked at my part with no blinders on. H said he was tryng but I saw mostly MLC behavior. I asked if there was OW and he denied and denied. He turned it around to me having trust issues. H did suggest MC. He did seem to be trying. Now I know his trying was him trying to divert my attention from his affair.
I'm mad because I know this could have been fixed but we never really got a chance. H never even tried to fight for his family. Something I never would have dreamed about him. H says he realizes it would have been HARDER to fix with OW...he doesn't realize it would be impossible.

I will try your approach. It is just very scary to face those feelings some days.

[FaithnAK]

I think that is the part that I am stuck on. H hade never once made a complaint about our marriage or me. I had even asked him directly time to time (knowing I wasn't perfect).

Possibly passive aggressive. Don't know, but sounds like it. Are you sure he didn't say or show any signs? Dig deeper. Not calling you a liar, but there is usually some signs when you really look into it.

After the bomb I got busy DBing. I got a DB coach, got a life and read a pile of books. I got informed. I knew our marriage wasn't perfect and I worked hard to fix it at my end.

Good for you! Shows that through all of this you KNEW you had to take the high road. My question is did you see what you did wrong? Can you admit it? Even if it's admitted can you accept the fact that you can only control your part and that as bad as it is, he had a choice too? MLC is crazy train. You can endure it, but when you get "aware" of your issues; you somehow find yourself in a mercy standpoint. It's ok, but with MLC, it comes down to fixing everything you can, taking an opportunity to really evaluate YOU and use your gift of time to heal and become a better person than you ever were. When you like what you see...it's really ez to "Set em free".

H said he was tryng but I saw mostly MLC behavior. I asked if there was OW and he denied and denied. He turned it around to me having trust issues. H did suggest MC. He did seem to be trying. Now I know his trying was him trying to divert my attention from his affair.

Literally a mirror image of my Wife. I mean EXACTLY word for word. In their world it's "Ok". From your sitch, mine, and countless others its the same old story. I will say this, It's their journey...you can't fix, control, or manipulate their process. My question to you is are you angry about this or do you feel bad for him? I personally have experienced both, but now I just feel bad for her. I accept that I can't do anything about it and my life at this point is more important. That's why fixing US(the LBS's)is so important. If they never come out of this, we have to accept that and be able to move on. What's cool is you can move on. I had to feel loss and pain to look within, maybe they do too. In fact not maybe, they HAVE too.

I'm mad because I know this could have been fixed but we never really got a chance. H never even tried to fight for his family. Something I never would have dreamed about him.

WOW. There's a familiar sound in that one for me. I completely understand your feelings on this one. In fact, this is one of two things that took me the longest to get over. This is LBS script. I still am in awe at my Wifes choices. I mean, I had alot of issues, but not enough to sacrifice the things I held dear, but that's me. ALL me...in fact probably you too. The way I look at it, you are here and I am here...why? Because they don't think like us. They can't and they won't until the 'fog' clears. Could be tomorrow could be 10 years from now. The important thing is, you let them go. Don't spitefully be mean to them(but if yours behaves as bad as mine and attacks - Defend yourself) put a wall up and let go. Let them feel your loss. I believe if you truly look at yourself in the most un-selfish way, know what YOU would do differently, and live the way you should have...then they will notice. Key thing here is YOU, not to get them to notice.

IMHO, they have to go through with this. My relationship in hindsight was Toxic. Yours might not have been...but we still have the same identical choice...If we have done the work and are able to look in the mirror and move on, should we?

I did, but no one can/could tell me too. Same with you. I can guarantee you I have more regrets from the whole relationship than I will ever have by letting go and moving on. Might not be the same for you, but you will know when you're ready. I hope this helps you.