Ok So in an attempt to learn more I tried seeing if other people were in my sitch. I was very shocked to find a couple of threads were women had the same complaint as my W. "my husband is great, I'm just not attracted". All these women sounded exactly like my wife. In fact the way most described their husbands they are great people, gentle, loving, caring, good providers, yet no spark.
All these husbands sounded like they were mr nice guys, great the epidemic is spreading. All these guys sounded great but the women had no spark. Ironically many fantasized about other men, and felt very bad and guilty about it. (my W just happens to have both sexes to fantasize about).
Most of these women sounded very distraught, and stressed out about these feelings. Many mentioned the spark used to be there, but they have no clue what happened. The Oprah forum was the most frustrating one, all the women here seemed extremely distressed, but none of them seemed interested in a solution. All the women there just validated each others feelings, and NO ONE tried to suggest any solutions. (something's I'll just never understand).
The most interesting part was that they all have ssm and it's not because they don't want it. They really do! They just can't bring themselves to telling their husbands the truth. All these husbands think their W's are LD when they are really HD!!!!
These women claim to be LD but only do it for the sake of their marriage. Most are actually annoyed by their H's attempts at ML.
It seems the only difference between these women and my W is that mine is at least honest (and cruel) enough to let me know. Ok so what does that mean?
A. Maybe a sizable portion of hd/LD marriages are actually unattracted hd/hd like mine. Techniques that work for hd/ld are actually treating unattracted hd/hd issues.
B. Maybe hd/LD techniques will work in my sitch because they address the same issues present in my sitch.
As MWD said she fell in love with me for a reason (this applies to ml too). Just need to help her rediscover it. Most of these women, who report super wanting their men in the past can't understand what happened, their husbands are unfortunately clueless because they won't be honest. I felt bad for most of these men since you could tell they were WAW's in the making, but could not communicate their needs to their H's .
Finally I cannot stress enough how clearly these women subconciously projected their disgust at their mr nice guy H. All the men were wonderful Husbands, and loving fathers, just not sexually attractive. Reminds me of my situation, and my constant struggle with changing this dynamic. All these women (to include mine) want lovers, not best friends. All these guys along with myself need to stop being the "safe" guy.
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