I'm impressed that you've read up on Sjogren's Syndrome. There is more information now than there used to be, though I still meet doctors have never heard of it. So, hey, you know more than some doctors.
You piqued my curiousity...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Weird thing. I feel a little relieved. I keep having these episodes of being elated over everyday normal things like seeing my coworkers or walking in the rain or working late. I also have episodes of being very sad, but only when I think about D and H and all the junk I have to go through. I do miss him sometimes, but it only takes remembering how few times it was actually fun to be around him.
And today's mood is "sad." I decided, I ought to get the ball rolling on property settlement. As much as I would love to delude myself that I could just send him an email with the list of what I want and have him pull up with a truck one day to take his share of the loot, I already know that he'll want to argue about it.
It may also make more sense for him to leave some of the stuff he would have to haul away and just give him the money I would otherwise have to spend on replacing those things. I need to know what he wants before I can offer to do that, though. Last time H and I did the property settlement, our arguments were more along the lines of "no, you take it." It's a good kind of argument to have in a property settlement, though I did end up with some stuff I really didn't want. I don't think he'll make it as easy on me this time.
Anyway, I've got too much going on today to sit waiting for a caustic email response, so I think I'll wait until I get back from sailing class tonight and send him an email. Is it mean for a WA to send the LB a settlement email in the middle of the night or is there just never a good time?
I'm afraid I'll get depressed and not pay attention in my class or that H will say something to discourage me from going to the class if I talk to him before then. I guess that's exactly why I never told him I was taking the class, even though I enrolled over a month ago. I think it's a sure sign that there are trust issues, when one feels the need to keep self-improvement a secret from one's spouse. --z
Z - I don't think there's ever a good time for that type of e-mail. Mine came over two years ago (at the time, W and I were under the same roof but in different bedrooms) while S and I were on a weekend camping trip (rainy and in the 30's most of the time). Best not to check your e-mail until the morning or contact H until you had a good night's sleep...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Ugh. Of course he emailed me photos of his goddaughter's graduation today. He attended. I did not. I've been dying to hear news of the graduation, but don't want to call anyone, and frustratingly she's been silent of FB. I wrote back to say "Thank you," but did not drop in a "BTW, it's time to talk about when you're coming to get your stuff." I'll take Daybreak's advice and send that tomorrow.
Sent H an email yesterday a.m. asking to talk about property settlement. Silence so far. Typical. Guess he'll figure out that I'm serious when he gets his copy of the petition. I wonder if he'll turn nasty like so many abusive men do? Seems likely, though I hope not.
Talked to my cousin today, whose XH is apparently hunting her for a confrontation. He makes my STBX look super-sane. My thoughts are with her, especially since she says she wants to be more like me and make him own his crazy. That scares me a little, because making people "own their crazy" doesn't make them less crazy. It really takes a certain kind of untouchable dignity. What is it about these men who won't accept that they've been given their walking papers? So much better to walk away with a shred of dignity and a life lesson than to show the world how petty one can be.
Anyway, putting things in perspective, found out that my sister is having a biopsy next week. My divorce looks relatively small in comparison to that. Word is getting out among my family about the D. Reactions are pretty much universally sad resignation and relief. Everyone loves STBX <b>and</b> no one thinks he's treated me right. Weird how he can do that -- make everyone love him, while he's treating me like dirt. I'm not going to bad mouth him around the family. It doesn't make things better for him or for me, besides everyone has noticed that he's left me alone out here for five years. Hard to miss that, so I suppose everyone will surmise the reasons. Heck, they'd come to their own conclusions no matter what I say.
Anyway, I've been mourning the loss of the last ten years today. I know that it's been my choice. I also realize I've been lied to consistently by someone who doesn't even realize he's lying and I know I wanted to believe him, even when I knew I shouldn't. I've been feeling bad for him that we have to go through this now, and that I'm the one causing him pain, but I have to remember how painful the marriage has been for me. I knew back in 2003 when he was divorcing me that there were things wrong with the M that weren't just me. Back then I think I was more focused on not failing at M then at getting to the root of the problem. I wanted to be stronger than the problem, but he just keeps escalating. LB's you may be focused on yourself right now, but if you ever get to reconciliation, please remember that your S has work to do to... don't let them off the hook the way I did. So I've wasted more of my life than I should have, and the dreams that I once had (mainly kids) are probably out of reach, but I don't have to live out the rest of my life resigned to feeling like a failure for not being able to fix something that is out of my control.
Better stay tough, because his silence just goes to show that he's not done fighting the D. God help me be my best self and find a way to love him while I force him out of my life.
Things I want for myself: 1) Peace of mind that I did my best, even if it wasn't always right. 2) The strength to let go with love and without bitterness. 3) To own my crazy, just mine.
Started making the dreaded "I have sad news" calls to friends. Since I don't confide much in other people about what is going on and maintain a facade to the rest of the world, it's a little disenchanting that so far only one person has been surprised.
The hardest part is feeling like I need to explain to the people who haven't been around us very much. One of my friends just assumed we'd grown apart during our separation. I thought, "How facile! Like I'd give up on my marriage over anything short of dire circumstances." Alas, I'd rather go with that version in public than the truth that our R is just one huge tangled mess of distrust, anger and resentment.
Why does everyone feel the need to say something? The notary and the court clerk were both wishing me well. I know they mean to be nice, but everyone’s looking at me like I’ve just been told I’ve got three weeks to live.
Filing was a trip. They have the clerk’s window in the main foyer where the security check point is located, so people were going through magnetometers and banging plastic tubs about five feet from the window and the sound was echoing all around the foyer. Plus the window is at eye level, but the grate that one talks through is at the level of the clerk’s seat, about four feet from the ground, which means I had to bend over (and I’m short) to speak or even hear what she said. So I was crouching in this noisy hallway, hollering through a grate about how I wanted to file a petition for dissolution of marriage within earshot of every person who could possibly have a reason to enter the courthouse. It was pretty comical. I would have been mortified if I cared what those total strangers thought.
Before I went to file, I did sent H an email to let him know that I was moving forward with it. That I was sorry for my part in things not working out, and that I hoped we could be friends again some day. As much as I don't want to give him a blow by blow of what I'm doing, I did want to be specific that it is still my intention to D. No matter how silent or hurt or whatever he is, I still do care about him... just can't be married to him anymore.
