Mission 25. I Really Mean it this time>

[25yearsmlc]

9,

I am sorry for the 2 x 4's. But right after you post some insightful post, you actually backslide in the same post or thread! That's like backsliding in seconds...

So this has been going on for a LONG TIME, but you still reel from the smallest disclosures. Why, 9, why?

You almost lost it when your son said that OM drove the family car, which she has. Why would your son know that this is some big issue to you? (B/C you told him or said it all in front of him...why?)

I honestly don't even see how this is such a biggie. You want HER to drive? You want her to never let him drive a car that, what? You paid for? Is this an important boundary? It's not an enforcable one, btw. But really, Is this important? Why does this crush you, after being sep for years? Is that accurate?

And then, you said something was what your "cross to bear"? You said that and I'm not sure what you're referrring to. BUT, do you See the terminolgy here? See the victimhood? That is not attractive, or strong, or even realistic. Plus, your son will probably end up somehow telling your w that you got SO UPSET and that means she still has all the power. You are giving it all away. I really hope you don't teach your son's to fall apart or nurse their wounds for so long.

And tragically, do you See how your son is bearing the burden of your emotional frailty? How sad is it, that you are leaning on HIM & He is comforting you?

Please don't share anymore negatives about w, with (your sons) or with your mom b/c then she will not support a reconciliation. How could she? You'll have to own up to some of this if you ever want your mom's support. All DBers have to learn who they can share things with and who not to.

So, now you don't have the DB books b/c.??...( read your past posts about this topic b/c it always struck me as emblematic of your whole situation...the learned helplessness. As if it's all her fault and NOT within your control...)

Um, you took awhile to get the books, finally got them. The first thing you said about them that I noticed, was that you lent them to HER, which DB says not to do, and you could not read them then, b/c you wanted to get HER to read them, specifically certain chapters...then you waited for her to give them back, or find them, and you couldn't read them again then, or order new ones b/c.....??? and you were "waiting" for her to read them, or she lost them or blah blah blah ENOUGH...just order another copy and never mention the books to her again. Ever. No need to. Wouldn't She say "You did none of these things, you hypocrite!" I mean, just get another copy 9. I KNOW YOU WANT TO DO THIS RIGHT...start with the simple steps. Re-read the book...

My questions and concerns and frustrations center around the fact that your marriage problems have been on going 1-2 years, but the DBing sounds new. Why is that? In short, How long have you been dealing with this? We can't assess progress if this is new, but if it's going on 2 years then a different yardstick is needed.

Okay, so, do you know what you want? Can you set some goals that are measurable? What are the 180's? And are you doing any GAL that gets you to meet new people? How far is this island community from civilization? You have to start somewhere. And stop wallowing in pity OR self loathing. You're not a bum or a loser. But you are stuck. AND only you can get yourself unstuck.

Set an example for your boys, please....they are obviously watching you.
Be the man you aspire to be. Be a man only a fool would leave. I think you can do this. I really do. I don't know what has to "Snap" in you or what lightning has to strike, b/c that's NOT what happened to me or my friends who DBd well. We all just came to a point where WE CHOSE to do things differently and though we had our backslides, we mostly moved forward.

And we're better for it. You really can do this.